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Toxic Custard Workshop - #72
-----
--------------------------- |7|2|
| TOXIC CUSTARD | -----
|via Malady and Berk Roads|
---------------------------
KURDISTAN ARMY CHANT
We are tough and we are mean (we are tough and we are mean) W
The crimes against us are obscene (crimes against us are obscene) e
It's Saddam- One and us Kurds- Nil (Saddam- One and us Kurds- Nil) l
If we don't stop him no-one will (we don't stop him no-one will) l
Who will? (Who will?) We will. (We will). U.N.? (No chance) ,
Allies fought and saved Kuwait (Allies fought and saved Kuwait) t
Saddam beaten? Give me a break (Saddam beaten? ...me a break) h
We run round and yell this chant (we run round and yell this chant) a
And don't you love our baggy pants? (don't you love our baggy pants?) n
Who does? (Who does?) You does. (You does?) Do you? (Oh yeah!) k
Patriots saved the Jews from Scuds ('triots saved the Jews from Scuds) G
But we're still cold and eating mud (we're still cold and eating mud) o
So spare a thought for us poor Kurds (spare a thought for us poor Kurds) d
We'll stop now, we're out of words (we'll stop now, we're out of words)
Who are? (Who are?) We are. (We are?) Are we? (Oh, good!) t
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - h
o
The new, some would say revolutionary, plans for the economy put s
forward by Federal Opposition leader John Whatsisname last week were e
leaked early by the Government. In fact the Government had planned to
replace the front cover of the document with a page saying "Written e
And Prepared By That Brilliant And Incredible All-Australian MAN The x
Prime Minister Bob Hawke Corr Blimey He's Good At Cricket", in an a
attempt to pass off the document as the Government's own. But someone m
forgot. s
Anyway, included in the document are many plans to irrevocably
change this country (Overseas readers, please read "that country down a
under where the kangaroos and stuff live"): r
- encouraging people to save by making everything so expensive e
they can't afford to buy anything
- tax cuts, with an added bonus of the public stoning of o
Australian Taxation Department officials v
- a system to ensure that jobs go to rich people (P.F.D - Positive e
Ferrari Discrimination) r
- compulsory reading of Toxic Custard for all citizens earning ,
less than $40,000 a year and not driving expensive
European cars a
This last move has been widely condemned by humanitarian n
organisations. World governments also reacted. US Vice-President Dan d
Quayle made an impassioned plea, saying "I've read this stuff, and
even I can't understand it." An Indonesian Government spokesman said I
"And you thought *we* were bad." And Saddam Hussein phoned to ask
where he could get a copy of the files, and to approve of the whole c
plan. He's been using it for years, apparently. a
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - n
As soon as Popsicle and Inspector Unnecessary-Violence had worked out g
where they were going to, they went there. By asking themselves deep e
and penetrating questions, they worked out that they were going to the t
site of a recent nutmeg-related incident, in an effort to track down
the dealers. b
Popsicle left the Inspector to guard the car, and, after placing a a
"Beware of the Policeman" sign on the windscreen, went to talk to some c
of the neighbours. He made sure he was looking butch and knocked on k
the door of Mrs Irene Busybody. The noise of the Super Vacuum (tm)
stopped, and the house stopped shaking. The door opened, and out t
looked Mrs Busybody, the very image of primness in her thick dressing o
gown, moccasins, hair-curlers and moustache.
"What the hell do you want?" t
"Just a few questions about the murder last night, madam", replied h
Popsicle in his best I-know-very-well-she'll-blab-to-the-media voice. e
"Oh yeah? Well, it was only one of those students. I'd hang the
lot of them. With their sex, drugs, rock'n'roll and all that i
late-night studying. They should piss off back to their universities m
and never come back. Parasites on society, that's what they are. Going p
around having more fun than the rest of us. Shameful, that's what I o
call it. Shameful. And you know who I blame? Bloody immigrants, that's r
who. They've come over to live here.. why don't they stay at home and t
be oppressed there, like everyone else is? They come over to live a
here, and get all the cushy easy unskilled jobs, like welding car n
parts, or falling off oil platforms. They get all the unskilled jobs, t
and the students think 'Oh, bugger that, I'll have to get smarter
before I try for a job.' So they go to bloody university and try and t
get smarter.. lost cause, I reckon. You're either thick when you're h
born, like my husband Fred, or you're smart, like me. Bloody students. i
Bloody immigrants! I'll tell you who I blame for all those foreigners n
coming over, too. Journalists. Scumbag filthy bloody journalists. If g
no-one knew about governments going around massacring innocent people, s
they'd never let those filthy foreigners into the country. With their
filthy fucking foreign food full of worms and mud and pasta and rice i
and crap like that. Criminal, I call it. You know they just opened a n
Chinese restaurant down the street? I called up my friends on the
phone, bloody Telecom phones, they're hopeless.. I called up my l
friends and we're organising a Filthy Red Chinese Food Out Of i
Ignoramus Street rally next week. We rang up the Fascist Fuckwits f
Federation; they said they'd help. Those foreigners, they can take e
their fried rice and piss off back to their own countries, that's what .
they can do. Anyway, what's the question?"
"Well", said Popsicle. "I was just wondering if you knew anything S
about who might have killed the dead nutmeg addict." u
"Oh that's easy", said Mrs Busybody. "It was one of you coppers c
that belted him over the head too hard during the raid yesterday. Good h
job too. One less student in the world. Fred!" she called. "Start 'er
up again!" And she slammed the door as the house began to shake again. a
Popsicle went back to the car considering early retirement, and s
found Inspector Unnecessary-Violence, who had by now recognised where
he was and was trying to look as if he'd never been there before. .
.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ .
Popsicle will continue sometime before the end of
time. TCWF will be back next week. Back-issues are u
available; send e-mail to [email protected] for m
details. Does anyone want to hear about Rocket m
Roger ([email protected])? No? I thought .
not. The author of that won't be surprised. .
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ .
Copyright © 1991 Daniel Bowen e
-- r
Daniel Bowen, Monash University | r
Melbourne, Australia------------| The boy stood on the burning deck .
[email protected]| "No more cards", his mother said. .
====TCWF [email protected]====| .
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