|
|
 |
|
|
|
register |
bbs |
search |
rss |
faq |
about
|
|
|
meet up |
add to del.icio.us |
digg it
|
|
|
|
Toxic Custard Workshop - #74
::::: ::::: : : ::::: ::::: : : TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES #74 T
: : : : : : : : 9th December 1991 h
: : : : : :::: : ::::: Written by Daniel Bowen e
..:...:::::.:::::.:.........:.....:......([email protected]) r
e
This is like, the Hippy News, so mellow out. That mega-heavy dude the
Prime Minister spilled out a big floral shoulder-bag full of bad vibes on i
Friday when he kicked the chief bread-head John Kerin from the s
Treasurer's position, which is like a real shame man, 'cos John was like
one of the mellowest and coolest Treasurers ever. Okay, so the recession o
is really really heavy and uncool, but all you gotta do is take it slow, n
roll yourself a joint and take it easy, man, it'll sort itself out. l
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - y
THE TWO SIDES OF THE BRAIN o
n
- I *want* that chocolate. e
-- Don't be silly, it's too sweet; it'll rot your teeth. p
e
- One little chocolate can't hurt. r
s
-- All your teeth will fall out and everyone will laugh at you for having o
no teeth and you'll have to pay the dentist three zillion dollars to have n
a full set of false ones put in.
m
- Mmm... milk chocolate. I can't resist milk chocolate. o
r
-- That one chocolate will mean you'll have to exercise for ten hours e
every day for the next two years to burn off the excess fat you gain from
it. You'll be bloated, huge, round. You won't walk out of the 7-11; s
you'll roll out. You'll look like the enormous fat pig that you are, you t
chocolate maniac. u
p
- One chocolate... just one. i
d
-- Oh sure, you say just one. But you'll get hooked and be eating thirty
a day for the rest of your life. Hideous spots will appear all over your t
face, and you'll look completely repulsive to any other members of the h
human race. a
n
- But it looks so *tasty*!
t
-- Well of course it looks tasty. It's specially developed by the h
chocolate companies to look tasty. You don't think they'd market a e
chocolate that looked totally revolting, do you? It's meant to look
sumptuous, seductive and delicious. But that chocolate will block your a
arteries.. you'll have heart disease or something horribly gory and u
dangerous like a heart attack. You'll be dead before you've even thrown t
away the wrapper. h
o
- I love chocolate. I want that chocolate. r
-- Oh sod it, you're right. Eat eat eat! o
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - f
Once upon a time there lived a frog, who basically spent most of his time t
hanging around a swamp. He would have hopped around instead, but he was a h
very rebellious frog, who felt that he shouldn't have to be subjected to i
the usual frog cliches in fairy-tales. Anyway, this frog naturally wanted s
to go far in the world. He was aiming for promotion, hopefully before the
story finished, and was therefore forever on the lookout for any good u
looking princesses who might be hanging around as well. With luck he'd be s
able to get a kiss from one to transmogrify himself into a fairly rich, e
moderately handsome and well-hung prince. l
The frog's name was Roger, pronounced "Rogger" for reasons that will e
be apparent to all but the most unknowledgable of readers. Roger s
preferred to be known as Rog (pronounced "Rogg") so we'll stop calling s
him Roger and start calling him Rog, beginning with the next paragraph.
Rog was having a pretty rotten day, all things considered. He'd not s
spotted any princesses around the swamp all day, not even a hideously i
ugly one, and to can it all, he had a migraine. There was a mist rising d
above the swamp, and he decided, in a move destined to anger those e
supporting more radical roles for frogs in stories, to bounce home. w
After passing a Pipa, he bounced into a very misty area of the swamp, a
landing on a log, where he found a (lo and behold!) princess. The y
princess was sitting on the log, and looked down at Rog, who grinned s
back. Rog ralised that this particular log was in the centre of the
marsh, which was not a particularly likely or terrific place for a m
princess to be sitting. But hell, it was just the way the story was e
running, so it would have to be here. s
"Yeuch, a frog!" screamed the princess in Greek, mainly because she s
was Greek, the dialogue being shown in English because the author and a
most of the readers didn't speak Greek. The princess, being a typically g
civilised and dignified member of the human race, was of course armed to e
the teeth. But also being only a young child princess (not really one of .
the ones Rog had been looking for), the weapon in this princess'
possession was a slingshot. Which she fired roughly in Rog's direction - A
not a very friendly thing to do in the circumstances; something which n
became obvious when the small stone from the slingshot hit Rog, most of d
whom exploded in a splash of green bits. And all that Rog the Frog had
wanted to do was to snog with a wog on a log in the bog during a fog. t
h
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - a
t
MRS IRENE BUSYBODY SPEAKS OUT ON... '
Fairy tales. It's shocking the junk that we feed our kids. Thank Christ s
they're moving away from that bullcrap nowadays, and giving them those
Teenage Mutated Ninja Tortoises. Those fairy tales were just promoting y
boring peaceful sixties values in our kiddies. Well, okay, I know that o
most of them were written before the 1960s, but that's not the point; u
most fairy tales were written in the sixties of different centuries, ;
which throughout history have been known for their revolutionary music
and peaceful long-haired people. The Great Fire of London actually t
started from a commune of seventeenth century hippies who lost control of h
a Restoration joint. See how dangerous drugs are? It's that type of e
peaceloving wet wimp what wrote those things. The whole concept of fairy
tales corrupted the little kiddies for years, you know. Just the name is o
suspect. "Fairy"? I blame AIDS on fairy tales. It's fairy tales that n
promote peace and love and stuff.. and of course we all know who's to e
blame for AIDS. Well, those immigrants brought it over from Africa,
didn't they; then they gave it to the gays and the drug users through the r
toilet seats and stuff. I think we should ship all of them, all the poofs e
and all the drug users and blacks and immigrants and haemophiliacs to a
Africa and re-build every toilet in the country. That'd get rid of AIDS d
for good. i
n
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ g
Toxic Custard is over for another week, thank
God. For back-issues mail [email protected] i
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ t
Copyright © 1991 Daniel Bowen .
--
Daniel Bowen, Monash University, Melbourne Australia------------With his second
[email protected] TCWF: [email protected] sig ever!
|
|
|
To the best of our knowledge, the text on this page may be freely reproduced and distributed.
If you have any questions about this, please check out our Copyright Policy.
totse.com certificate signatures
|
|
|
About | Advertise | Bad Ideas | Community | Contact Us | Copyright Policy | Drugs | Ego | Erotica
FAQ | Fringe | Link to totse.com | Search | Society | Submissions | Technology
|
|
|
|
|
|
