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Toxic Custard Workshop - #77
- - - T O X I C C U S T A R D W O R K S H O P F I L E S - - -
Number seventy-seven 30th December 1991 Written by Daniel Bowen
-------------------------------------------------------------------
S
THE ADVENTURES OF *POPSICLE* o
,
Mr *Popsicle*, secret agent for A.R.S.E, and Inspector Unnecessary-
Violence are nearing the end of an investigation into nutmeg smugglers. t
*Popsicle* prised himself.. I mean prides himself on being one of the h
most commonly appearing characters in TCWF. The author valiantly a
managed to avoid embedding a plug for TCWF back-issues in the middle of t
the story. In any case, you should know what's happening with the plot,
and if you don't, I suggest you take a look at the bac*ARGH* w
a
*Popsicle* and the Inspector drove into the university and spent s
half an hour looking for a parking space, before giving up and parking
in a disabled space, the Inspector reasoning that if anyone argued with 1
them, he'd disable them. They were looking out for one of the 9
lecturers, named Rob, who had been named as the nutmeg supplier. 9
It took them fifteen minutes and five violent threats to find Rob's 1
office, up on the sixth floor of `F' block. Whereas they could have .
just strolled in and arrested him, it was agreed between them that they
should surround the place, because it was potentially more violent. W
After consulting with headquarters, and the author (who agreed on the h
grounds that it would make the end of the story more dramatic), they e
set up their men from the A.R.S.E. Hostage Overview Liberation r
Efforcement squad around the office. e
As soon as the Inspector had figured out how to turn the megaphone '
on, his voice rang out down the corridor and around the corner to the d
room, from where he and *Popsicle* had positioned themselves.
"Mr Robert Redpork! This is the Australian Royal Security i
Establishment, Mr Redpork. You have five seconds to come out and t
surrender with your hands up, your feet down, and your shoulders
somewhere in between. If you do not surrender within five seconds, a
we're coming in for you. Five seconds, Mr Redpork.. and after that, l
we'll waltz straight in there and take you, dead or alive." l
It took the Inspector just under a minute to count to five. Then he
gave the order. "Start the music!" One of the squad turned on the tape g
recorder, and armed men from all directions waltzed their way towards o
the door. As they neared it, the door opened, and a man walked out, ?
wearing a red skivvy(*), brown corduroy trousers, sandals, a haircut
banned by the Geneva Convention, and an identity tag stuck (with some I
pleasure) to his left nipple, proclaiming "Robert Redpork, Computer
Technology Lecturer". h
"What's all this noise?" he shouted above the din of the band. o
"It's just one or two of you up the back, ruining it for all of us, p
isn't it. Keep the noise down, please!" e
So, after searching his office, they arrested him for illegal
possession of ntmeg. Later additional haircut charges were added, and y
*Popsicle* and the Inspector congratulated themselves on a truly o
wonderful investigation by getting completely pissed and trying out u
half-a-dozen of the confiscated nutmegs.
d
(*) American readers read "turtleneck". Jesus, can't you people i
use proper English? d
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
s
CRICKET REPORT o
Australia was victorious over India in the third test at the Melbourne m
Cricket Ground which finished on Sunday. A major part of the Australian e
victory has been attributed to the brand new Great Southern Stand, t
which collapsed just after lunch when the crowd attempted an h
over-enthusiastic Mexican wave. The stand squashed most of the Indian i
team, leaving only captain Mohammad Azharuddin left uninjured to field n
by himself for the entire day. It could be said that that the remaining g
day of play in the game should have been abandoned, but it was felt
(especially among the Australian team) that it would be a hell of a lot m
of fun. They managed to score 20,209 runs during the day, cementing o
their victory. Australia declared when their running shoes wore out. r
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - e
I been drivin' down the road today u
Honking at anything in my way s
Swerving all over the bloody road e
Surprised I haven't dropped all my load f
u
Yes I'm a truck driver, earning cash l
Stopping twice a day to have a slash
d
Speeding down the motorway, burning up tar u
And trying not to hit too many cars r
Early morning, a lot of fog i
What chance had I of seeing the dog? n
g
Yes I'm a truck driver, speeding past your door
If I keep this speed up I'll get paid much more t
h
The tyres are worn out but who really cares e
Next place I see I'll just give 'em more air
Stopped at a cafe next to a wood y
They have the nerve to call this stuff food? e
a
Yes I'm a truck driver, driving all night r
Get in my way and I'll give you a fright
t
My eyelids are lowering - suddenly I wake h
Looks like the cabin's submerged in a lake a
So the load's half wet, who really cares? n
All I'm carrying is crateloads of beer.
r
Yes I'm a truck driver, truckin' truck truck e
I might be an arsehole, but who gives a fuck? a
d
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ i
So that's Toxic Custard over for another year. n
I'm surprised it isn't past its read-by date g
yet. Back-issues are STILL available.. please
folks, take them off our hands! Send mail to t
[email protected] for details. h
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ i
s
New Prime Minister Paul Keating has been criticised by former PM Bob
Hawke. "He doesn't cry enough", said former prime ministerial pin-up c
Bob. Keating struck back, calling Hawke a scumbag, and a silly old r
bugger. But we all knew that anyway, didn't we. I mean, he *IS* a a
politician, after all. p
.
--
Copyright © 1991 Daniel Bowen
--
Daniel Bowen, Monash University | Send Toxic Custard requests/comment to:
Melbourne, Australia | [email protected]
[email protected] | Pretty piers with a ferry on top?
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