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Toxic Custard Workshop - #82
Help! Help! Where's my notepad? I'm lost without my notepad! You see,
during the week I write all my ideas in my notepad. Such brilliant
ideas as "buy a new notepad!" And now it's Sunday, and time to write
this stuff. And some git has nicked it. Maybe it's the Tree Liberation
people. Listen.. that section of tree has had it as far as treedom
goes, right? I know I should have got a recycled one, but I couldn't
find any that day. And I promise I'll recycle it when I'm finished with
it, so please give it back. Oh, it wasn't them - I just found it on the
floor.
: :::::: ::::::: ::::::: TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES
:::::: :::::: : : : : : : :
: : : : : ::::: ::::::: ::::::: Number 82- 3rd February 1992
: : : : : : : : :
::::: :::::: ::::::: : ::::::: ::::::: Written by Daniel Bowen
PARTY HINTS:
- Don't have one. You'll be regretting it for the rest of your life, as W
every day you'll find another piece of rubbish or a stain you hadn't e
seen before. l
l
- Keep control of the music. Don't let the alcoholic headbanger of the ,
party take over or you'll have wall to wall heavy metal all evening as
he gets completely pissed and lies in the garden, still banging his i
hea on the garden path to the Slayer album someone was irresponsible t
enough to bring along. '
s
- Make sure no-one strays from the garden into the house. Grass is
easier to clean than carpet, and is considerably cheaper, even if you b
do have to mow it. e
e
- Don't let any electrical engineering students do the lighting. You n
could end up electrocuting ten people and blacking-out the state.
a
- If you're going to have a barbecue, make sure there's someone sober
around who knows how to try to work it. Try not to let any intoxicated l
persons near the gas supply or the matches. o
n
- Do not let people who can't cook, cook. g
- When using party sparklers, do not wave them at passing aircraft, d
particularly when in the vicinity of an airport. a
y
- Always have a conversation starter ready for the dreaded and ,
inevitable lull during the early stages of the party when everyone sits
around talking quietly. Experts have identified a condition known as a
Sudden Party Global Quietness, whereby everyone suddenly and
unexpectedly stops talking at once, leaving only the loud music and the l
quiet headbanging from the garden as the only sounds in the otherwise o
silent darkness. n
g
- Try to prevent lights exploding.
e
- Do not, under any account, let in people that you don't know. Subject v
all entrants to interrogation, search and "identify the host" e
procedures. n
i
- Try not to let the aforementioned alcoholic headbanger bring along n
his baseball bat. g
- Try not to let the aforementioned alcoholic headbanger and his a
baseball bat get into arguments with other guests, no matter how n
trivial or insignificant these arguments might seem to be at first d
glance.
i
- Do not encourage those possessing baseball bats to go clubbing. t
'
- Have someone ready to turn the electricity off at the fusebox to s
plunge the house into darkness and silence the moment there is any hint
of the constabulary being in the immediate vicinity. And hope they g
don't hear a hundred people screaming "What happened to the lights?", e
"I ca't see a thing!" and "Whoever that is, get your hand off me!" t
t
- Keep your pets safe out of harm's way. They will probably agree with i
this. n
g
- Purchase plenty of provisions in advance so that people don't have to
get lost somewhere in suburbia for hours in search of an open bottle t
shop. o
- To deal with the neigbours, either buy them a family pack of earplugs b
or invite them to get sloshed with everyone else. e
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - a
George Bush has announced that the United States will make no more l
nuclear bombs. Apparently the US has abandoned the idea of wanting to o
destroy the world fifty times over, and will in future be satisfied n
with destroying it just once. g
Meanwhile Russian leader Boris Yeltsin has said that Russian
nuclear missiles will no longer be pointed at US cities. So, it could n
be asked, what will they be pointed at? Our exclusive TCWF sources have i
been investigating this and have obtained information that reveals that g
all Russian nuclear missiles are now pointed at a small outside toilet h
three miles north of the outback town of Yalgoo, in Western Australia. t
The reason for this is that the recently abolished KGB found that ,
someone had written grafitti in the toilet expressing doubts about Mr
Yeltsin's sexual preferences, the dimensions and effectiveness of his s
genitals, and had likened his facial expressions to the side of Ayer's o
Rock.
I
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ '
The tildestic line above signals that this is the l
end of another moronic edition of the Toxic Custard l
Workshop Files. Other, older, moronic editions of
TCWF are available - reply to this, or send mail to j
[email protected] for details. u
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ s
-- t
Copyright © 1992 Daniel Bowen
-- s
Daniel Bowen, Monash University | a
Melbourne Australia | y
[email protected] |
TCWF: [email protected] | z
z
z
z
Will someone please z
put this signature z
quote back where it's z
supposed to be? z
z
z
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