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Toxic Custard Workshop - #85
___ ___ __ __ __
| | | | |_ |__| |__ Monday, 24th February 1992
|oxic |___ustard |_|_|orkshop | iles |__| .__| Written by Daniel Bowen
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
FOR ALL LOVERS OF THE BORING F
Relationships are never easy, but they can be near-impossible for o
those of us who have fallen deeply and passionately in love with r
someone who is dull, tedious and overwhelmingly uninterestng. Our new
manuals explain explicitly, precisely and concisely how to start and a
maintain a relationship with people who are totally and utterly l
terminally boring. l
Titles include:
- How To Woo A Train Spotter t
- How To Seduce A Stamp Collector h
- How To Root A Systems Analyst o
- How To Bonk A Butterfly Collector s
- How To Attract An Accountant e
- How To Screw A Stock Market Yuppie
- How To Entangle With An Evangelist n
- How To Lie With A Lecturer o
- How To Tongue-Kiss A Toxic Custard Subscriber t
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
b
Meanwhile, on the small planet of Spong (population 57 green monsters o
with 8 heads each) the Spong Record Industry Association has come out t
with the inaugural Spong Rock Charts. h
e
S P O N G R O C K M U S I C C H A R T S r
TW LW WI TITLE i
1 - - Splinge On My Mind - Moizodboidisms n
2 - - Chloro Girls With Big Mizzens - Bert Wimplezoidfarnon g
3 - - The Spong Stuff - Non Flinyins On The Brinc
t
The shortness of the list can be explained by the fact that with a o
population of only 57, that was all the records sold on the entire
planet of Spong last week. Non Flinyins On The Brinc are well known on r
Spong as the second worst musicians in the universe, and only made the e
charts because a 937 year-old Spongian granny bought their record a
because she thought it would make a great gift. A copy also got bought d
last week by the Spongian Planetary Hospital, as an experiment to
attempt to cure constipation. With sixteen ears each, the Spongians t
really do have the edge on primitive Earth "stereo". But their audio h
products do cost eight times as much. e
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
a
Popsicle burst through the screen with more exploding bits of glass c
than an exploding glass factory. He was back with a bang, and he knew t
it, as he stood tall, riding high on the crest of popularity he knew he u
was bound to be riding high on now that the author had decided to a
resurrect him for another thrilling adventure in a last-minute effort l
to bump up Toxic Custard 85 Monday 24th February 1992 Written by Daniel
Bowen to a reasonable length. This, surely, would be enough to make T
TCWF a decent size. C
Popsicle looked around him, at his surroundings, which were the W
things that were around him. Things were looking very bright for him F
indeed, so he put his sunglasses on before his eyes sustained any
permanent damage. t
Dim as usual in the distance, he spotted his all-time best-known h
colleague, Inspector Unnecessary-Violence, speeding towards him in a i
relatively flat trajectory in a huge and vast police car, terrifying s
the people in front of it and polluting the air behind it. The
Inspector and the car screeched to a halt on top of Popsicle's left w
foot, but Popsicle was far too cool to be bothered by this. He got into e
the car and waited until the tyre had left the environs of his shoe e
before he pulled his foot inside and closed the door. They were once k
more on their way into yet another terrifically exciting and probably ,
violent adventurous mishap with some criminal type people of the world.
Popsicle, the Inspector and the author held a quick imaginary y
conference outside the confines of the story and agreed at gunpoint not o
to hold the usual introductory bit at the Australian Royal Security u
Establishment headquarters. '
In fact, A.R.S.E headquarters was undergoing a move of location due r
to complaints about the screaming from the neighbours. When interviewed e
by investigative journalist and former lollypop man John Johns, one of
them commented "Well, it's all very well them torturing suspects m
mercilessly in the horrible depths of the dungeons at the bottom of the i
building using ancient and hideous equipment developed by the world's s
most evil sadistic maniac bastard scientists, but do they have to do it s
when I'm trying to get to sleep? I work an early shift, you know." i
So, A.R.S.E headquarters consulted with the music recording n
industry and built, at taxpayers' expense, of course, a brand new g
sound-proofed headquarters in the inner-city, complete with special
tweeter and woofer departments. t
Meanwhile, completely independent of the background information, h
Popsicle and the Inspector, having dumped the author in a small ditch e
next to the road, sped on to wherever the hell they were going. With
the sirens blaring so the Inspector could drive as fast as he liked, r
and like a complete lunatic, they passed more streets than in a street e
directory in less time than it takes to boil an egg. Well, something t
like that, anyway. Shall we just settle for "quite fast"? u
Popsicle got on the radio, which was conveniently disguised as a r
Toblerone. Apart from all the static and stuff which was directly n
related to the low effectiveness of a radio disguised as a Toblerone,
the conversation went like this: o
f
Popsicle: HQ.. This is Popsicle. What the hell are we doing in this
story? P
o
HQ: You're the hero. p
s
Popsicle: No, I mean where are going. What are we doing, and who's the i
villain and all that stuff." c
l
HQ: We don't know yet. The author has vanished. We can't find any trace e
of him. Maybe you shouldn't have left him in that ditch. .
Popsicle: Yeah yeah yeah sure. So what do we do now?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Well, we're out of time, and so is the author,
so that's all of TCWF for this week. Back-issues
are still available, reply to this, or send mail (
to [email protected] for details of how to get W
your little mits on 'em. h
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ o
Copyright © 1992 Daniel Bowen '
-- s
Daniel Bowen, Monash University | As a tribute to band member Harry Wall,
Melbourne Australia | who is in hospital, heavy-metal band h
[email protected] | Megabogue have re-released their early e
TCWF: [email protected] | hit "I've Got A Big Dick, Baby". It's ?
called the "Remixed Big Dick". )
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