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Toxic Custard Workshop - #92
: : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP
: : : : : : : : FILES. Number 92: 13th
: : : : : : : : : : : : : : : April 1992. Written by
: : : : : : : : Daniel Bowen.
: : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : - - - - - - - - - - -
I certainly don't want to make any excuses for not being bothered to
write something new for this week, but I couldn't be bothered to write
something new for this week. So instead, out of the archives, here's
the unedited unexpurgated unbleeped uncensored version of my last
article for the student newspaper, the Naked Wasp. See if you can guess
which bits they chopped out.
MONASH UNIVERISTY - CAULFIELD AND FRANKSTON CAMPUSES
A-Z OF SERVICES AND FACILITIES
------------------------------
ACADEMIC DRESS
Academic dress may be hired or bought from the Lost Property Office,
Student Union, Clayton. The faculty colours are:
Arts: Positively valid and relevant rose
Business: Profitable petunia
Computing & Information Technology: 16-bit standard interface green
Economics, Commerce & Management: Inflationary committee meeting blue
Education: Granny Smith green
Engineering: Lager beige
Law: Mercedes white
Medicine: Blood red
Professional studies: Typewriter violet
Science: Test-tube chemical explosive primrose
BOOKSHOP
Don't even bother during the first three weeks of term- you'll have to
queue for three days just to buy a pencil.
CLUBS AND SOCIETIES
There is an abundance...? There are an abundance...? There is.. are...
erm.. An abundance of clubs and societies exist at Monash, including:
Interest Clubs- I
- Get Completely Pissed Every Night of the Year Society f
- Fascist Fuckwits Federation
- Theatrical Deep and Meaningful Poets Socially Relevant Society y
- Jewish Students Society o
- Palestinian Students Society u
- Arab Terrorists Club
- Arab Moderates Club t
- United Nations Peacekeeping Force Society h
- Clubbers Club i
- Cavemans Club n
- Students for Christ k
- Students for Brian
- Students for the Devil I
- Students for No-one in Particular '
- Students Who Aren't Sure Who They're For v
e
Sporting Clubs-
- Hitting Little Plastic Things Around Rooms With Metal Things Club g
- Vomitski o
- Water Sports Club t
Course Clubs- t
- Garbology Society i
- Lecture Skipping Society m
- Photocopying Notes Society e
- Exam Cheats Society
t
o
FEES
If you haven't paid your fees for this year yet, we advise you to do so w
before we come around and smash your head in. Your fees paid for this a
publication, by the way. s
Other expenditure is- t
- Recreation $305,886 - We sent the entire student union on a five-week e
holiday/mass orgy cruise around the Pacific
- Student Association $97,040 - Oh I forget what this was for. It d
doesn't really matter does it? o
- Services $570,368 - A packet of twelve hotdogs and a loaf of bread i
for Orientation Week n
- Administration $363,896 - Five million sheets of paper, two hundred g
thousand pens, seventy-three gallons of liquid paper and a
staple a
- Union Board $77,000 - A diary for all students, and funds to provide n
facilities for the Board to sit around committee meetings o
making jokes about bananas t
- Running Costs $148,900 - We hired fifteen top class athletes with h
this money! e
- Assets/Projects $517,412 - Three chairs, a table and a garbage bin in r
the student lounge
o
n
FOOD e
There are a number of places on and around campus to eat, but I
wouldn't bother, it's either horrible or exhorbitant. You'll find it o
cheaper to starve. f
Now available - Nestle's Fried Babies In Chocolate!
t
h
I.D. CARDS e
You vill carry your ID card vith you at all times! You vill need it ven s
ze glorious Fourth Reich sturm-troopers enter ze university and kill e
all ze communist pinko socialist homosexual leftist teaching staff
scum! Prove zat you are not vone of zis VERMIN! s
--This message brought to you by the Fascist Fuckwits' Federation-- t
u
p
LECTURES i
What are they? d
s
NAKED WASP i
'The Naked Wasp', the student and community newspaper is scheduled to d
appear in little bins all over campus and occasionally and unexpectedly e
during the year. 'The Naked Wasp' contains such items as dull poetry, w
unlikely short stories, boring reviews, political and socially trivial a
issues, music (Music?! How do they make a newspaper musical?! Print y
sheet music in it?), rotten cartoons, puerile humour and moronic s
editorials.
m
e
PARKING s
There is sod all parking around Caulfield campus, and we personally s
hope that your car is smashed to a tiny pulp and deposited in the a
toilet while you're not looking and it serves you right you g
eco-smashing-bastard/bitch, you should have taken the train. e
s
,
QUEUES
Check out the queues at the photocopiers, the queues during enrolment, y
the queues to borrow books in the library, queues at the cafeteria, o
queues to get into lectures, queues to get into exams, queues for u
computer terminals, queues for this, queues for that, queues, queues, '
queues, queues, queues and more sodding queues. v
e
RECYCLING g
The Student Union became actively involved in recycling after we heard o
the name of the bins we're using - "Envirobins". Pretty snappy, eh? How t
could we resist? The Union also encourages the use of bikes. Oh, that's
cycling, isn't it... sorry. a
n
o
SECURITY BUS t
Well, okay, so it's a Security Shag wagon, but that doesn't have the h
same ring to it, does it. Nor does it inspire confidence in those who e
would be using it. r
t
SEXUAL HARASSMENT h
The editors of the Naked Wasp would like it to be known that they in no i
way mind being sexually harassed. n
g
SMOKING c
There is a total ban on smoking across all Monash campuses. So you o
smokers can sod off outside and destroy your lungs elsewhere. All m
smokers who die on campus have their carcasses recycled and are shipped i
to the Monash Medical Centre for experiments. n
g
.
VIDEO GAMES
Video games can be found on most PC hard drives around the campus. I
Oops, we weren't meant to tell you that, were we. Also available are t
pornographic computer pictures. But we weren't meant to tell you that, '
either. l
l
XENOPHOBIA b
For those interested, the Fascist Fuckwits Federation are having a e
meeting next Monday afternoon at 3pm on the lawns near the Green
building. Racist speeches, running around in silly white costumes, a
cross burning and other intellectual activity will follow. l
o
n
ZERO g
The chance you have of finishing you
back-issues instead. For details on how to get n
them, reply to this mail, or write to u
[email protected] t
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ e
Copyright © 1992 Daniel Bowen. .
--
Daniel Bowen, Monash University | When there's somethin' strange
Melbourne Australia | Growin' on your foot
[email protected] | Who you gonna call?
TCWF: [email protected] | WartBusters!
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