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RD5: Lister's brilliant sketch with holo- dweeb Bin
[Dave Lister's brilliant banter with holo-dweeb Binks from Red Dwarf V]
Binks: Binks to Enlightenment, have arrived on the derelict. Confirm
initial speculation there is absolutely nothing of any value or
interest here. It's one of the old Class 2 ship to surface
vessels, the very model in fact that was withdrawn due to major
flight design flaws. Crew three.
[motions with his walkie talkie to Kryten]
One series 4000 mechanoid, almost burnt out, give it maybe three
years. Nothing of salvageable value.
[moves on to the Cat]
Ah, Felis Sapiens, bred from the domestic house cat and about
half as smart. Uh, no value in future study of this species.
[moves along to Lister]
What have we here? A human being? Or a very close
approximation. Chronological age mid twenties, physical age
fourty seven. Grossly overweight, unnecessarily ugly, otherwise
would recommend it for the museum. Apart from that, of no value
or interest.
[Lister takes a cigarette pack out of his jacket, extends a
cigarette like an antenna, and pretends it's a walkie-talkie.]
Lister: Lister to Red Dwarf. We have in our midst a complete smeg pot.
Brains in the anal region. Chin absent, presumed missing.
Genitalia small and inoffensive. Of no value or interest.
Binks: Binks to Enlightenment. Evidence of primitive humour. The human
has knowledge of irony, satire and imitation, with patient
tuition could, maybe, master simple tasks.
Lister: Lister to Red Dwarf. Displays evidence of spoiling for
rrrumble! Seems unable to grasp simple threats. With careful
pummeling, could possibly be sucking tomorrow's lunch through a
straw!
[If you appreciate Lister's accent, you'll notice a really nice
extended roll on the 'r' in 'rumble' above...]
Binks: Binks to Enlightenment. The human is under the delusion that he
is somehow able to bestow physical violence to a hologram.
Lister: Lister to Red Dwarf. The intruder seems to be blissfully
unaware that we have a rather sturdy holo-whip in the munitions
cabinet, and unless he wants his derriere minced like burger
meat, he'd better be history in two seconds flat!
[Lister takes the cigarette which was acting as a mock antenna into
his mouth, throws the pack to the floor, and starts taking off his
jacket, spoiling for a rumble...]
Binks: Binks to Enlightenment. Recon mission complete. Transmit. With
speed!
[Lister chews up and swallows the cigarette, takes his hat off and
starts on his vest.]
Binks: Enlightenment, quickly please!
[Lister has his vest off, dances and throws a punch at Binks, just as
he vanishes.]
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