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A Fistful of Betas
RIB Productions
Proudly bring to you
"A Fistful Of Betas"
An ST:TNG Parody of "A Fistful Of Datas"
By Robert I. Brayer
-=-
SCENE I
(We can hear very corny music as we spy Worf and Alexander wandering down the
streets of an old west town)
Worf: <Grunt> What is it I do again?
Alexander: You're the Sheriff, and I'm your deputy - so we're going to arrest
the big crook in the town!
Worf: <Grunt> Sounds easy enough.
(They walk up to a man with black clothes. Worf growls at him, picks him up and
punches his head in so hard, the man dies.) Worf: That was easy.
Alexander: AGH!! It's supposed to be DIFFICULT!!! Let's raise the difficulty
level!
Worf: <Grunt> NO! Let's try Worf Program 34343.12B
Computer: OK
(The grid abruptly switches to a College Football game, Worf is on the side
lines, a male Cheerleader, Alexander is behind him watching) Alexander: Dad!
What are you doing?
Worf: <Grunt> Siss<grunt>boom....
Alexander: Dad!?
Worf: <Grunt> I'm cheerleading!
Alexander: But where's the bad guy?
Worf: <Grunt>What bad guy?
Alexander: You're defeating the entire point!
Picard: Mr. Worf - to the BRIDGE!
Worf: <Grunt> I shall be back Alexander. You take my cheering job. Alexander:
<Groan>
-=-
SCENE II
(On the bridge, Picard and Riker are having a conversation) Picard: It's an
Aligator!
Riker: It's a Crocodile!
Picard: ALIGATOR!
Riker: CROCODILE!!
(Suddenly Worf walks in)
Worf: <Grunt> What's wrong?
Picard: He's trying to tell me that the reptile floating in front of our ship
is a Crocodile! It's CLEARLY an Aligator!!
Worf: <Grunt> Sorry, Captain, it is a Crocodile.
Picard: Agh! Foiled again!
Data: <Ahem> Sir.. we still must ascertain why there is a CROCODILE FLOATING
OUTSIDE OUR SHIP!?!?!
Ro: Uh oh..you don't suppose ?
Geordi: Yup. The science section let a croc loose again! Look at the side of
it's head! It's one of those specially mutated ones- the ones that screw up the
holodecks!
Riker: What!?
Geordi: Yeah! Remember! Every once in a while when we're in need of a snappy
episode, we would let it out and it would bite onto the hull, and then the
holodeck would conviently screw up just around the time someone important was
using it!
Picard: Oh yeah!
Worf: <Grunt> Oh No ! Alexander is in there now!
Ro: Don't worry, big guy, nothing's to worry about unless that croc bites the
hull.
Data: It is coming towards the hull!
Picard: Mr. Worf! Lock all phasers on the crocodile!
Worf: <Grunt>
Picard: Fire!
Worf: I missed! <Grunt>!
Data: The croc has landed. Er bitten the hull.
Geordi: Now it should die.
(The croc starts convulsing, he then vanishes!)
Picard: We're in trouble! There's a holodeck scenerio running! Troi: Let's just
ignore it.
Picard: OK. Now.. (taps his combadge) Dr. Crusher, you are free to perform your
tests on Mr. Worf.
Worf: <Grunt>?
Crusher: OK! Great idea! Send him down!
-=-
SCENE III
(In the Doctor's office, Dr. Crusher is helping a patient out) Crusher: Now
hold still- this won't hurt a bit!
Patient: OK!
(Dr. Crusher punches the patient in the eye)
Patient: OW!! You said it wouldn't hurt!
Crusher: I meant it wouldn't hurt ME! It didn't! I feel fine. (The patient
falls over- out cold)
(The doors open and in come Worf)
Crusher: AH! Mr. Worf! Sit down!
Worf: <Grunt>
(Worf sits down)
Crusher: So, I've heard you've been having problems digesting your food again.
Have you been eating the remains of former crew members again!?
Worf: <Whimper> No..
Crusher: Come on now..I won't tell!
Worf: <Grunt> Ok..just an arm or two, but so what? I was hungry! Crusher: Those
can go down bad. Now lie down and I'll hook you up to the computer so it can
monitor your responses to a few tests. (Worf nods and lies down)
Crusher: Ok, this is the ink blot test...
Worf: <Grunt>? That's a psychology test!
Crusher: So what!? Still a doctor thing! Now what do you see in this picture?
(Worf is shown a picture that sort of looks like a lot of dots) Worf: <Grunt> A
large albatross with it's feet cut off and the head of a republican.
Crusher: Interesting. Most people see a flower. Now, howabout this one?
(Worf squints for a few seconds then responds)
Worf: Is that... <Grunt>...a mutilated decomposing corpse?
Crusher: Interesting. Most people see a field. Ok, last one... Worf: I know
what THAT one looks like! Pat Robertson!
Crusher: Pat Robertson!? Who the heck is that?!
Worf: <Grunt> My idol.
Crusher: Uh...the results of the test have said that you have a LOT of excess
stress, you should eat less salty foods and get more fiber. Now, blood
pressure.
(Dr. Crusher takes out one of those blood-pressure thingies and wraps it around
Worf's head, she then begins to apply pressure) Crusher: This won't hurt a
bit...
(She pumps hard until Worf's head is almost the size of the room!) Worf:
<Grunt>!
(She then releases it and Worf's head eases on down to normal size) Crusher:
Nope.
Worf: Nope what?!
Crusher: No blood pressure.
Worf: Isn't that abnormal?
Crusher: Is *ANYTHING* abnormal in you? Other then a breakout of peaceful
activity.
Worf: <Grunt> Good point, is that the last test?
Crusher: One more! We have to see if your reflexes are ok! Dr. Rectal! He's our
designated reflexes tester!
(Dr. Rectal comes running out!)
Rectal: Another reflexes test!? Didn't we just do one on Hugh? Crusher: Doctor,
that was 15 parodies ago! Get with the program! Rectal: Ok, I will hit your
knee so that we can determine your reflexes.
(Rectal closes his eyes and hits the knee, it shoots up and hits him in the
face, his blood is spilt with his body on the floor) Rectal: Ugh those are good
reflexes....nooo...more...air..time.. Crusher: Nurse, get that for me will you?
(Another generic no-lines nurse stumbles in and drags off Dr. Rectal) Worf: Did
I pass?
Crusher: You have REMARKABLY quick reflexes as Dr. Rectal found out pretty
quick.
Worf: So what now?
Crusher: I guess we let you go, I'll tell you the full test results when
they're done..dismissed!
-=-
SCENE IV
(The holodeck, Alexander is jumping up and down cheering for his favorite
college football team)
Alexander: RAH RAH! SISS BOOM SCARF! THIS JOB SHOULD BE WORF'S! (A cheerleader
girl turns to him inquisitivly)
Cheerleader: Doya think? I think you're doing a fine job!
Alexander: Do you really think so? Maybe I can make it my career! The first Pro
Klingon Cheerleader!
Cheerleader: Well...nahh.
Alexander: Why not?
Cheerleader: I have to take you to the cheerleader police, you see, there are
no male cheerleaders! You'd have quite a problem with the locker rooms!!
Alexander: Oh great..let's go!
(Suddenly a large truck pulls up)
Cheerleader: OK, get in the truck!
(Alexander nods, sighs and gets into the truck and closes the door neatly
behind him)
-=-
SCENE V
(It's the Cheerleader Police Station! In the main seat is a girl with the
captains insignia on her jacket, she is talking on the phone, behind her is
several people working at desks)
Captain: No, I told you the first time. We don't deliver! Listen this isn't a
pizza place this is Cheerleader Central! No! NOT A COMEDY CHANNEL! Agh!
(The Captain hangs up the phone)
Lady in back: Boy..those pizza guys will annoy you every time. Lady#2:
Yeah..but I don't care cuz I have a report on the cheers due at 3pm!
(Suddenly Alexander is pushed in in handcuffs, the cheerleader right behind
him)
Captain: Another male trying to be a cheerleader?
Cheerleader: Yep..all men are perverts!
Alexander: I'm not a man! I'm a very mature klingon!
Captain: We at Beta Beta TriBeta Beta Sorority cannot stand for such behavior!
We'll have to settle this in a showdown!
Alexander: A showdown!?
Captain: High-noon! Bring yer guns! AND NO CHEATING!
Alexander: Where is it?
Captain: Outside the five and dime! Be there! But fer now we're gonna lock you
up inside our jail! Follow the guard!
(A guard comes out and leads Alexander into the jail cell, he then greets his
cell mate, Bob)
Alexander: Hi, I'm Alexander, who are you and what did you do? Bob: I'm Bob.
I'm a game show host. I accidentally said that a few cheerleaders weren't the
most intelligent people in the world. Oops. Alexander: I'm Alexander, I tried
to be a male cheerleader. I have to go to a showdown tomorrow. Dang.
-=-
SCENE VI
(In Ten-Forward, Worf is having a drink, and a chat with Geordi Laforge)
Geordi: I don't know, I think it's strange that this gin tastes exactly like
prune juice.
Worf: <Grunt>
Guinan: Well Gentlemen, I know everything you order tastes like prune juice,
but what can I do? I have a hat convention to go to! Murray here will be
running the bar. He can handle anything, Right Murray?
Murray: Right! Now guys! What will it be?
Geordi: Scotch on the rocks!
Worf: <Grunt> Egg Nog!
Murray: Coming right up!
(He pushes a few buttons and grabs the drinks and hands them to them) Guinan: I
think you'll be ok! And I'm off!
(Guinan magically disappears in a puff of smoke!)
(Suddenly Geordi spits out his drink)
Geordi: UGH! This tastes like prune juice!
Murray: Sorry guys, that's all that works these days!
(The phone rings)
Murray: Hold on guys, I got a call!
(He picks up the phone)
Murray: Hello? A Mr. Love?
(A few people turn towards him.)
Murray: Ok.. Gay Love? Can I get a gay love?! Hey wait a second.. (Murray goes
back to the phone)
Murray: No no Mr. Simpson, you want Moe's Tavern, that's 555-0666. Wait hang
on, I have call waiting. (Clicks over) Mom! I'd never think that you'd call me
here!
Geordi: <Groan> Guess we're stuck with the juice.
(Suddenly Picard cuts in)
Picard: Both of you! To the doors of Holodeck 4! You should be ashamed of
yourself!
-=-
SCENE VII
(At Holodeck 4, Troi, Picard, Riker, Ro, Data and Crusher are all assembled
there already, Geordi and Worf stumble in, a little tipsy from the prune juice)
Geordi: What's the matter sir?
Picard: There's going to be a big showdown any minute between Alexander and the
Captain of the Beta Beta TriBeta Beta
Cheerleading squad!
Worf: <Grunt> WHAT?!?!?!?
Troi: Yes, and I sense great hostility from Alexander!
Riker: WHAT!? You mean you sense something besides deception!? Troi: I got a
new contract.
Ro: Look we don't have much time, let's go in and find Alexander! (Crusher
suddenly pulls a gun and some weapons out, she hands them around to the people
assembled)
Crusher: These should be sufficent! Let's go boys! Computer! OPEN THE DOOR!
(The door opens, and we see Alexander walking towards it)
Alexander: Guys you gotta help me!
(Troi pulls out a machine gun)
Troi: This won't be much of a battle! We'll hide on those handy dandy buildings
and stuff ! The Cheerleader will have no chance! (They all go and hide in a few
things, Riker gets into a garbage holder, Troi hide also, Alexander walks
towards the center of the town, and some cheesy western music plays)
Alexander: Alright Cheerleader Captain- I'm calling you out! (The captain walks
out)
Captain: You will DIE Alexander!!
Troi<whispered to Riker>: It's the cheerleader from hell!!
Riker: She's cute though.
Troi<kicks him>: Shut up Will!
Captain: On the count of 5...draw...
Alexander: OK!
Captain: 1...2....3...
(Suddenly 35 cheerleaders jump up with weapons to fire at
Alexander, but so does the Enterprise crew, who shoots them all down) Captain:
..4....hey wait a second! These odds are unfair!
(She starts crying)
The TV Audience: AWWWW!!!
Troi: Why are they sympathetic to her!? She was trying to kill Alexander!
Riker: She's a cheerleader! They'd be even MORE sympathetic if she was naked.
Captain: Would they?
The TV Audience: YEAHH!
Picard: Now now, this is a family parody!
The TV Audience: AWWW!!!
Riker: Computer..terminate program.
Computer: Do I have to?
Riker: Of course you have to!
Computer: Ok, but I don't have to like it.
(The holodeck blanks to a grid)
Worf: Well, Alexander, what have we learned from this?
Alexander: Don't mess with cheerleaders?
Worf: <Grunt> NO! Try again!
Data: Never let the crocodile loose?
Worf: AGH! No!
Ro: Don't spend so much time in the holodeck!?
Worf: AGGHGGHGHH!!!!!
Picard: Calm down Worf! It can be *ALL THESE THINGS AND MORE*! Riker: Yeah! The
moral of a story is really highly interpretive! Tell that to your average high
school English teacher and you'll get shot! But it's true!
Worf: <Gruntsigh> We didn't even get to see the nude cheerleader. Picard: Hope
this thing never screws up again!
Troi: Yeah right.
-=-
Voiceover: And so, everything was healthy and happy, but no one figured out the
moral of the story, which was generally, if you're going to have cheerleaders
willing to strip in your stories, rate the parody "R". Bye for now. Next week:
SOMETHING ABOUT SOMETHING ALIVE
We don't know what it is.
We'll just watch and write something.
G'Bye now!
-=-
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