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Haskells
RIB Productions
Proudly bring to you
"Haskells"
An ST:TNG Parody of "Rascals"
By Robert I. Brayer
-=-
SCENE I
(We can see Picard, Keiko, Guinan and Ro in a shuttle craft) Picard: And I
found the cutest..best dress I'd ever seen!
Guinan: We just went to the most enjoyable planet in the galaxy and you spent
your entire vacation...SHOPPING FOR WOMEN'S CLOTHING!?!? You don't even have a
girlfriend!
Picard: Who said it was for her? Uh..anyhow...
Ro: Say..why are an Ensign, a Bartender, a Transporter Chief's wife and the
Captain of the Enterprise all on shore leave anyhow!? Keiko: Kinky sex? Haha!
Just kidding, who knows- probably because all of us but Picard are
inconsequential to the plot anyhow! That and we all need a week off from doing
our real jobs!
Picard: A weird field has just opened up- Call the Enterprise! Guinan:
Shuttlecraft II calling USS Enterprise- Mayday- respond please.
(We switch to a shot of the bridge, mysteriously- NO ONE IS ON IT!) Bridge:
We're sorry, the bridge crew is not in right now, but if you leave your name
and number...
Picard: WHERE ARE THEY!?!??
Guinan: Probably having a good time! Which is more then I can say for us!
Keiko: AYIEE! We're breaking up! ENTERPRISE! SAVE US! MILESSSS!!! -=-
SCENE II
(Meanwhile on the Enterprise, in the transporter room, O'Brien is having a good
laugh with the generic transporter chief of the week) TGTCOTW: Hahaha..let her
DIE!
O'Brien: I've been meaning to get rid of that annoying Keiko person for months!
(Suddenly an Ensign races in the room-)
Ensign<breathing heavy>: Sir! You've got to beam them here! Whoopi, I mean
Guinan's got to do a movie soon! Her agent will *KILL* US! (O'Brien jumps on
the controls)
O'Brien: OK OK! But remember I've never done this!
Ensign: But you've been the chief for like seasons?
O'Brien: And how many times am I at the controls?
Ensign: Good point.
(Riker comes over the intercom)
Riker: Have you got em, O'Brien?
O'Brien: I'm sorry sir...we do..
Riker: AGH! I wanted to be Captain..SOOO BAD!
O'Brien<excitement in voice>: You still might sir! We've lost some mass in the
transport! One could be dead! Yeah!
Ensign: Could be Guinan!
O'Brien: Uh-oh...ok..they're almost here...GOT EM!
(We see four forms appear on the transporter- they..resemble... members of the
50's TV Show "Leave It To Beaver"!! Picard looks strangely like the Beaver,
Keiko looks like Wally, Guinan looks like June and Ro looks like- Eddie
Haskell!)
Pic/Beaver: Gee whiz, Mr. Riker, this is strange!
Kei/Wally: Don't tell ME about it! I *WAS* a female!
O'Brien: I guess that's the end of our sex life, Eh Keiko?
Kei/Wally: <Growl>
Gui/June: I guess this is a little appropriate. But June Clever... a
BARTENDER!? What ever happened to family values!?
(George Bush appears)
Bush: You voted em out! But if you vote for BUSH FOR Q...
(Bush implodes)
Ro/Haskell: Gee Guinan, you look very stunning today. <slurp> <slurp> Pic/
Beaver: Mr. Riker, come with me to the bridge,...
Crusher: Er..I have to do a few tests..
Pic/Beaver: Well gee whiz Beverly I'm sure these guys will be fine! (They
leave)
-=-
SCENE III
(The bridge)
Riker: Er sir...there may be a problem or two with the crew. Pic/Beaver:
Nonesense! I'm sure they'll see me the same!
Worf: <Grunt>
Geordi: Er..who the heck is that!?
Pic/Beav: I'm your captain!
Riker: Er you see? How can they respect a captain half their size? Smaller then
even Wesley? And one resembling a 1950's TV Actor? Pic/Beav: It could be worse,
I could be Donna Reed!
Worf: <Gasp>
Ro: Why do I keep thinking Ted Turner is going to come up here any minute and
try to buy the program?
Riker: Because he's doing that over there right now.
Ro: Oh.
RIB Exec: NO NO NO NO!! We sold the *LAST* parody! We can't cop out like that
again!
Turner: But my wife's Jane Fonda!
Pic/Beav: He does have a point on that one.
RIB Exec: It doesn't matter if your wife is Jane Fonda! Our selling price would
be too much for even you!
Turner: What would it be?
RIB Exec: Nevermind. I'm sure it'd be too much though! Now get out of here or
I'll call Robert and break his pact!
Turner: AGH! Anything but that!
(Ted Turner runs out screaming)
Riker: We still don't know how to get Picard back to normal! (Crusher breaks in
on the com)
Crusher: I have good news and bad news.
Riker: What's the bad news?
Crusher: There's no good news.
Riker: AGH! Can we cure them?
Crusher: Maybe, but first we should take care of that Ferengi ship that just
uncloaked over there!
Riker: What!?
Geordi: We're getting a hail!
Pic/Beav: On screen!
(We see on the screen..PhoSo Trawlx!)
Riker: Who are you?!
Trawlx: Oh I'm from the Ferengi Gambit. Am I in the wrong story again? Agh! I'm
sorry!
Worf: <Grunt> Kill them.
Riker: We can't! Robert hasn't gotten his turn in that story yet. Trawlx: Can I
implode then? I've always wanted to implode!
Riker: NO! We need a bad guy for this.
Geordi: Sir! Intruder alert on lots of decks!
Trawlx: You asked for it!!
(Suddenly we see several Ferengi beam in with large blasters and surround the
crew)
Ferengiguy: Who's the captain around here?
Riker: I'm the acting Captain!
Pic/Beav: No you're not! I AM!
Ferengiguy: The CHILD?! Jerry Mathers?!
Pic/Beav: Golly, I'll have you know I may LOOK like Jerry Mathers, I may SOUND
like Jerry Mathers, heck I may even TASTE like Jerry Mathers. But I ain't him!
I'm Captain Jean-Luc Picard!
Ferengiguy: Yeah sure, and I'm from the planet of the dead watermelons!
Pic/Beav: I AM! I really am!
Ferengiguy: Come along little boy, you and all the other children and child
actors are going to sit in a large play pen while we beam the adult actors down
to the planet and take over the ship!! Geordi: There's a serious *PROBLEM*
Here!
Ferengiguy: Oh yeah? You have a problem...HUMAN!?
Geordi: Yeah. We're following the script of the real show almost completely!
Don't we need something strange to make this seem like a parody?
Ferengiguy: How should I know!? I'm just the antagonist!
Data: Maybe if we all stare at Troi real hard she'll cough up a hairball or die
or something.
Troi: NO!!! I'm hiding something!
Ro: Perhaps if we kill all the Ferengi before they can do any of this, we'll
just get on with it!
Ferengiguy: Naah that wouldn't work well with us.
Trawlx: Dang it! Wake up! Take over the ship!
Ferengiguy: We have a problem, sir.
Trawlx: What IS IT MAN!?
Ferengiguy: This script is going along like the show! We can't have that
happen!
Trawlx: Oh alright! We'll self-destruct!
(The Ferengi ship self-destructs)
Ferengiguy: Oops.
(Picard leaps at the Ferengiguy and punches him down he grabs his weapon and
holds it to the Ferengiguy's face!)
Pic/Beav: I have you now!!
Ferengiguy: Oh no you don't! You're using...BAD MANNERS!
Pic/Beav: NO..Must..not..be..the...beaver....AGGGH!!!
(Pic/Beav falls over, out cold!)
Ferengiguy: Child actors to their room. Adult actors to the planet. This is
after all our "Nickeloden" episode!
(They all leave the bridge and go to their respective places, suddenly Pic/Beav
realizes something as he is walking to his place of captivity)
Pic/Beav: HEY??!? Who's running the Bridge!??!!??
-=-
SCENE IV
The Bridge: <Says nothing, no one is there>
-=-
SCENE V
(Pic/Beav is tossed into a room with his other child actors, as well as Gary
Coleman and Tina Yothers)
Ro/Eddie: Hey <slurp>! Let's all butter up Gary! He's got money! Gui/June: Now
now Ro, er Eddie, be nice!
Kei/Wally: Hey mom, why are Gary Coleman and Tina Yothers here anyway? Coleman:
We're both former child stars that have no careers now and this is the only
cheesy gig we could get! Got a problem with that!? Pic/Beav: They have no
problem. Now we must find a way to get out of here. Without Crusher we have to
be ourselves, ideas anyone? Wil Wheaton: Well, we could always stun them with
our good looks! Pic/Beav: Wesley Crusher! Where did you come from?
Wheaton: Not Wes! I just play him on TV! And I *AM* a child actor! Pic/Beav:
But not a very good one! But then I guess none of us are.
Come to think of it...are there any good child actors!?
Coleman: That's a question we'd rather not answer.
Ro/Eddie: Maybe if we climb out that air-conditioner vent-
Pic/Beav: Hey- why is that there in a starship?
Kei/Wally: Last year our heat went out remember? Had to get that manual unit at
the starbase..
Ro/Eddie: Anyway, if we climb out and go to the transporter room and knock out
the guard we can beam everyone back and win.
Pic/Beav: But that's too easy!! We have to develop a complex plan to do
something fairly simple!
Kei/Wally: Er..why?
Pic/Beav: It's the law of prolonging parodies!
Ro/Eddie: So what do we do?
Pic/Beav: We play with these children's computers and hope Riker figures
something out!
Ro/Eddie: Great idea!
(Meanwhile on the bridge)
-=-
SCENE VI
The Bridge: <Says nothing, still- no one is there>
-=-
SCENE VII
(In a big prison cell type thingie)
(We see Riker tossed into a room with other Adult actors, such as Samantha Fox)
Riker: Hey- not THAT kind of Adult actor!
Fox: Agh. Who would think HE'D be the one to make me implode? (Samantha Fox
implodes)
Geordi: What can we do to get out of here?
Riker: We can sure hope Picard comes up with a plan.
Worf: <Grunt>
Data: But sir, if we're not there to help him implement it- how can he do it?
Riker: Good point. Now's the time to use our secret weapons! Troi: What secret
weapon?
Riker: The Enterprise is a gigantic magnet that is usually off, if we turn it
on it will suck Data up into the sky where he can turn it off and get into the
ship!
Geordi: What a great idea! But it's too simple! We need something complicated.
Riker: True. I know the law. Maybe if we call the guard over and..TRICK HIM!
Troi: Guard! Guard! Riker's hiding something!
(A Ferengi Guard comes lumbering over)
Ferengi Guard: What *IS* It!? What are you whining about now you putrid female!
All but Worf: <Wild Sustained Applause>
Ferengi Guard: Thank you, thank you. I'll set you free now because you gave me
such warm applause!
Riker: And to think- we were going to bop you over the head with Worf!
FG: It's good you didn't do that! Now run free....<singing>..as free as the
wind!
(The crew runs out joyous and merry and jump around and celebrate for several
hours until they realize they don't have a way to get to the ship!)
Riker: You know this is great and everything but how do we get to the ship!?
Worf: <Grunt> Uh-oh.
-=-
SCENE VIII
(On the bridge, it is finally occupied, this time by a smug-looking Ferengiguy
and some of his honchos!)
Ferengiguy: Ahh...the Enterprise..all to ME! MUAHAHAHAHA!
<whispered to a guy on the side>..how was that?
Guyontheside: Not bad. Gotta work on the evil laugh a little though.
Ferengiguy: Why bother? I won't last any longer then this show. Honcho#1: SIR!
The crew of the Enterprise on the planet has escaped! Ferengiguy: WHAT?!?!?
RECAPTURE THEM IMMEDIATLY!
Honcho#2: Why sir? They can't get back up here anyhow!
Ferengiguy: MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Guyontheside: Not bad!
-=-
SCENE IX
(In the room)
Pic/Beav: NEATO! Guinan- that's the highest score I've ever seen in Ms. Pac-
Man!
Gui/June: The advantages of being a TV MOM! I just hope Riker can save us!
(Suddenly an 18 year old runs up breathing heavy)
A Little Kid: Capt'n Capt'n!
Pic/Beav: Yes..what is it? And first, why are you breathing so heavily?
An 18 year old: Oh sorry, I'm from that Adult Actors thing a few scenes back,
anyhow, they broke out and everything, but now they're on the planet and can't
beam up here!
Pic/Beav: That means we have to take control of the transporters! Ro! Come with
me through the shaft! We're going for broke.
Ro/Eddie: But Captain! We're *ALREADY* Broke!
Pic/Beav: SHUT UP and come with me already...
(They open the shaft and jump in they then go to the transporter
room and make a daring take-over of the transporter room, it's so daring and
action-packed we wouldn't dare depict it in a humorous parody, so while that's
happening, we will bring you a short ballet with Troi)
-=-
(We see Troi come out in tights and a leotard, she bows to the audience and
starts a routine)
Troi: You know, Ballet can really be beautiful, especially for people with no
acting talent.
(Suddenly we see Worf come out..he's dressed in a Tutu and is doing incredible
routines)
Worf: <Grunt>
Troi: Yes Worf has much talent, Musician, Dancer, Poet, and Public Speaker...
Worf: <Grunt>
(Suddenly we see a police car pull up and a cop get out)
Cop: Now this is *REALLY* silly! Am I going to have to arrest you all again!?
Troi: NO! Just give us a warning!
Cop: It is like your third offense! Worf?!? In a TUTU!? Have you no decency!?
Worf: <Grunt>
Troi: At least we're not hiding something!
Cop: Very well. We'll just take you, Troi ! Cuz you never shut up with that
hiding something stuff! What will it *TAKE* to get you to stop it anyway!?
Troi: Are you kidding? It's about my only line these days!
Cop: Very well. We'll have to handcuff you and tie you up!
Troi: Tie me up?
Cop<smiles>: I love this job.
-=-
SCENE X
(We see Pic/Beaver with a phaser in his hand and a smile, we also see Ro/Eddie
sprawled out on the floor)
Ro/Eddie: <Phew> That was quite a chase and quite an incredible battle that we
just had. I hope the parody-readers enjoyed this brief bit of action besides
the usual boring funny stuff.
Pic/Beav: Now let's beam everyone up.
(They do)
Riker: Phew. I knew you'd come through for us!
Pic/Beav: We had to! You weren't any sort of help!
Riker: Now all we do is beam all the Ferengi here and put them in a containment
field!
(Does that)
Ro/Eddie: Neat!<Slurp>
Crusher: There's only one problem, I know of no way to change you guys back!
Pic/Beav: NO! I can't stay looking like Jerry Mathers forever! Crusher: You
could always quit your job and go perform on Vaudville or something!
Pic/Beav: No! There MUST be a way!
Crusher: Well..there is..but it's *VERY* risky!
All but Worf: WHAT IS IT !?
Crusher: I don't think you're going to like it but..ok...
-=-
SCENE XI (The Next day)
(We can see Picard, Guinan, Ro and Keiko hanging upside down over a large
container of Mashed Potatoes)
Crusher: You see, when we dip you in Mashed Potatoes, and feed you healthy
food, all your children's instinct will be gone!
Pic/Beav: This better work!
(Crusher pulls a trigger and they all go head first into the large container)
Pic/Beav: <Glub> <Glub>
Riker: Let's keep them there.
Data: NO! We must make sure they come out alright!
(They are pulled up, and back to their regular selves!)
O'Brien: OH NO! Does this mean I have to stay with Keiko?
Keiko: It most CERTAINLY DOES!!
O'Brien: <Grumble> <Grumble>
(Suddenly we see a break in the hull and Troi comes running through, with a
Police car coming after her very fast)
Troi: AGGGGGGHHHH!!!!
Cop: Come back here! It's only a game!
(They go crashing out through the other side of the hull)
Geordi: Since we're now exposed to space, shouldn't we all die? Picard: Nah.
That would ruin the surprise ending.
-=-
Announcer: And so the ending was grand and supreme. Didn't you like that
suprise stunning ending?
(Suddenly Troi appears)
Troi: What surprise ending!? I'm still being chased by a Cop! (The cop drives
in and chases Troi off)
Announcer: Uh-oh. The surprise ending is gone! We'd better investigate. Oh
nevermind this thing is long enough already. We'll just file it under "those
parodies not released to the public", that will be #250. Bye for now...and next
week..STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION...rips off "Q-Hick". What can we do to
counter that!? Find out..on the next RIB TREK! And VOTE!!! NOW!!
-=-
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