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Insane at Command, part 1
RIB Productions
Proudly bring to you
"Insane At Command, Part One"
An ST:TNG Parody of "Chain Of Command, Part
One"
By Robert I. Brayer
We don't know how to spell the new captain's name
so we'll just go with Jelleco for now. Ok?
-=-
SCENE I
(We see an admiral type enter the Ready Room)
Admiral: Captain Picard, I am here to-
Picard: Are you the pizza girl? I've been waiting over thirty
minutes for you! I want 3 bucks off!
Admiral: No, I am here to-
Picard: Oh no! Don't tell me we're being cancelled!
Admiral: No! I just wanted to-
Picard: Did I win something!?
Admiral: NO!!! We're REASSIGNING YOU!!!!
Picard: Is it my breath?
Admiral: NO!! We could have a war on our hands here Picard! We need
you for a special project!
Picard: Arts & crafts!? I love that stuff!
Admiral: NO! You have to infiltrate a Cardassian base!
Picard: Aww.. not THAT again! Didn't I do that last week?
Admiral: No! That was during the regular show! This is the parody!
Picard: Oh..I get so confused!
Admiral: I know what you mean! Now meet your replacement!
(A man with a twisted look walks out)
Jelleco: Hi! I'm going to be the new captain of this ship. I was
just transfered in from the Cairo!
Picard: Nice to meet you, Captain, you've got a difficult job to do!
Jelleco: Are you trying to say I can't do it?
Picard: Er no..
Jelleco: Good! AGGGH!!
Picard: What's wrong?
Jelleco: Oh nothing. Had to be done.
Picard: Is there anything I should tell my first officer?
Jelleco: Tell him I want to switch...how many shifts are there now?
Picard: Three.
Jelleco: I want 3600 shifts! Each one has one minute of the day!
Picard: That's INSANE!
Jelleco: So!?
Admiral: He has a point you know.
Picard: That that's insane ?
Admiral: No, that "so" thing
Picard: Well you're a big help!
Admiral: I'm an Admiral! What kinda help can I be? Meet this guy so
you can give him your command ..in Ten-Forward in a bit!
Picard: If I must.
-=-
SCENE II
(In the conference room)
Riker: I can't believe you're giving us a new captain! What's wrong
with the old one?
Admiral: He's out of batteries! Hahaha! No! Nothing! We just want
someone who's more experienced with the Cardassians!
Riker: I've met one!
Admiral: I hardly think that qualifies you!
Riker: He was a big one! Maybe you can count him as two!
Admiral: NO! Listen this new guy gets the job.
Geordi: But isn't it going to be hard adjusting to a new captain?
Admiral: No. It's going to be so easy you'll think he's Picard with
hair! What do YOU THINK!?
Geordi: I'd think that Picard looked better without hair.
Admiral: Is he always that stupid?
Worf: <Grunt> Not usually, that's usually Troi's department.
Troi: HEY!
Crusher: I say we give the new captain a long drawn out medical
examination!
Admiral: No chance! No more extended dialogue for you for a while!
Crusher: AWW! This is sexual discrimination!
Admiral: Sexual discrimination!? None of the OTHERS can give him an
examination!
Crusher: Well..that's true..but they could if they wanted to.
Admiral: FINE! I DECREE IT! NO ONE GIVES HIM A MEDICAL EXAMINATION!
Data: What if he has a disease?
Admiral: WHAT!?
Data: What if he has a horrible disease and it turns out that it
spreads all around the ship and we have to have one of those
medical emergency episodes? What THEN!?
Admiral: He doesn't have a disease!
Crusher: How do you know? You won't let me check on him!
Admiral: I just..I JUST KNOW OK!?
(Suddenly Jelleco enters the room)
Jelleco: I do NOT have a disease. Mild hallucinations maybe.
Nothing more! Bye!
(Jelleco runs out screaming)
Admiral: See? I told you! NYAH!
Riker: That's very unadmiral-like behavior!
Admiral: So!? At least I was right!
Troi: Perhaps..I sense..strange emotions from our soon-to be
captain though!
(Riker quickly answers his combadge, turns away and talks to it for
a second then turns back)
Riker: Perhaps that's why he's racing through the ship drooling and
slapping people on the butt.
Troi: Naah..
Admiral: Ahh..he's just a free spirit! You'll get used to it!
Data: May I suggest we adjourn to the Ten-Forward lounge? I hear
Guinan has quite a ceremony planned.
Admiral: That's a fine idea Data! We'll all meet there in one hour.
Adjourned!
-=-
SCENE III
(In Ten-Forward, people are milling around conversing, and
generally in a partying atmosphere, some people are dressed up in
costumes and there is a giant Jack-O-Lantern in the middle of the
room. We can see Guinan, dressed as a witch(it's a natural, with
the hat) talking about something with Riker, who is dressed as a
pirate)
Guinan: Nice patch!
Riker: Thanks. ARR! Now why are we all dressed up like this? Is it
Halloween already?
Guinan: No.. you see.. These were the only decorations they had on
this short notice at the Starfleet Party Shop, the "You're getting
a new Captain" supplies were all out because of that giant
Captain-Killing spree that one guy went on.
Riker: Captain-Killing spree? Who!? Why?
Guinan: Well, there once was this guy named Hank, and his captain
pressured him into doing things he didn't want to do. Like his job.
So when Hank got court martialed, he went wild and killed his
captain. He then shrugged it off and figured all captains were the
same, so he just started killing!
Riker: That's HORRIBLE!
Guinan: That's nothing! I haven't told you about the guy who runs
around killing plots have I?
Riker: I don't want to know!
Guinan: You may meet him someday.
(Suddenly we see Data walk up, he is dressed normally)
Data: Hello Commander, Guinan.
Guinan: Data! You're not dressed up!
Data: I protest, I am in my standard uniform!
Guinan: That's the problem, this is a changing of the guard party,
you have to dress up.
Data: None of my tradition records mention anything of this regard.
Guinan: Well..it's a new one I made up..go get a costume, Worf is a
great tailor!
(We see Worf in the corner, scowling, he has a needle in his mouth
and he is knitting a costume)
Ro: Ok, now get the stiches just right!
Worf: <Grunt> You try it!
Ro: That reminds me, what are you going to go as Worf?
Worf: <Grunt> This is it.
Ro: Not bad!
(Suddenly we see Picard walk up to the big Jack-O-Lantern and
Podium in the front and stare down at everyone)
Picard: What the HECK is this!?
Guinan: It's a NEW CAPTAIN party!
Picard: This isn't Halloween!
Guinan: These were the only supplies we could get on short notice!
Picard: Why not just use THE REPLICATOR!?
Guinan: Hey..what a great idea! No wonder you're captain!
Picard: <Sigh>.. I now present to you, the guy who's stealing my
job, Captain..JELECHO!
(We hear some boos, some cheers, and a few sighs)
Jelleco: Hello happy campers! WELCOME TO HELL!! I'll be your
captain for the next few episodes, enjoy.
Riker(whispered to Data): This guy's going to be fun.
Data: See? He is not dressed up either!
Picard: I resign command of this ship, and hand it over to-
(Suddenly Troi comes running in, panting)
Troi: WAIT!!
(All heads turn towards Troi)
Picard: What is it?
Troi: You can't pass command over yet!
Picard: Of course I can! I'm the Captain I can do what I want!
Troi: You must know something about Jelleco!! He's..he's...
Picard: A fine dresser. I know.
Troi: NO! He's...
Riker: Allergic to fleas?
Troi: NO!
Picard: And hand it over to our new captain Jelleco!
Troi: He's A RAVING LOONEY!!
Picard: Oops.
Troi: Too late now!
Jelleco: Thank you Captain Picard! Why would you say that Troi? And
do you call *THAT* a standard uniform? I want you to dress up as a
gorilla ASAP!
Worf: <Grunt> I'll sew it!
Jelleco: Great! Adjourned! Drive safely everyone.
-=-
SCENE IV
(We see Worf, Picard and Crusher in funny suits in a tunnel racing
around with phasers)
Crusher: Jean-Luc, why are we in funny suits in a tunnel racing
around with phasers?
Picard: How should I know? I didn't write the lead-in!
Worf: <Grunt>
Picard: Nope..nope.. the reaction time wasn't quick enough.
Crusher: The reaction time for *WHAT*!?
Picard: The reaction time for how quick Worf grunted!
Worf: <Grunt>
Crusher: Of what relevence is that!?
Picard: No relevence we just needed something to time! I just got
my new stopwatch and I hadn't used it yet.
Crusher: So how do we make Worf grunt faster?
Picard: We don't really need to do that I just wanted to test my
watch.
Crusher: Oh.
-=-
SCENE V
(A few hours later)
Worf: <Grunt>
Picard: brilliant!
-=-
SCENE VI
(On the bridge, Captain Jelleco steps on)
Jelleco: Plot a course for Cardassian space.
Ensign Loser: Plotted!
Jelleco: Engage. Commander Riker, have you made the shift switches?
Riker: No sir, I talked to the barber and he said the switches
would throw off his whole schedule.
Jelleco: TO HECK with the barber! Make the switches! NOW!
Riker: Yessir!
(Riker goes and does something. Suddenly the whole bridge crew runs
off. And a new one comes in, the same thing happens a minute later.
Riker, however, remains)
Jelleco: Excellent. Mr. Data, I want to reroute our forward phasers
through the back side of our ship.
Data: But why not just shoot those phasers there?
Jelleco: How should I know? Now if we take the auxillary circuitry
of the hair dryer in Troi's room, and we switch it with the iron
density of Mr. Worf's sash, we should be able to accomplish
absolutely nothing! Get to it!
Data: Yes sir!
(Suddenly we see, a Gorilla step on to the bridge)
Jelleco: That's better Troi. You're in uniform now.
Troi: Then why do I feel so silly?
Jelleco: You're the shrink! YOU figure it out! I'm going to
Engineering, Data come with me!
Data: Yes sir!
(Data and Jelleco walk off, the shifts then switch)
-=-
SCENE VII
(We see Jelleco immersed in a conversation with Geordi)
Geordi: Sir! There's NO WAY I can implement such changes in so
quick a time!
Jelleco: What's the matter? Lazy!?
Geordi: Lazy, nothing! But we can't power this ship on a TRS-80!
Jelleco: You'll just have to DO IT!
(Jelleco walks off, Riker enters)
Geordi: Commander! How are we supposed to do all this stuff?
Riker: I don't know! You should see what he ordered for security!
Worf is having a fit!
Geordi: What could he have done? Worf LOVES extra work!
Riker: I don't think you understand..
(The camera switches to a shuttle bay with Worf commanding cadets
in the fine art of paper mache. We see Worf whimpering)
Geordi: You don't mean he's giving them Arts & Crafts!?
Riker: Yes! Picard may like it..but for Worf it's a nightmare!
Geordi: There's only one thing to do!
Riker: Go talk to Captain Picard?
Geordi: Ok. Two things. I figured we could call the Captain Killer!
Riker: Nah I'd better go talk to Picard.
-=-
SCENE VIII
(We see Picard lying back on his couch relaxing after some hard
training, he looks pooped, we hear a noise)
Picard: COME!
(Riker walks in )
Riker: Uh ..sir.. hey what's wrong? You look terrible!
Picard: Hard day of training. Now all I want to do is lay back and
relax..yeah nothing to worry about on my mind!
Riker: <cough, cough>..Uh I wanted to talk to you about the new
captain..
Picard: Ah, Jelleco! I hear he's running you guys around! Good!
That's what you need!
Riker: WHAT!?
Picard: Haha.. just kidding..calm down Will..I'll go talk to the guy.
Riker: Thanks, I thought maybe I was disturbing you here or
something.
Picard: Well, you are, and I really wish you'd shut up, but I'll go
talk to him anyway.
Riker: Thanks.
-=-
SCENE IX
(We see Jelleco in his chair in the ready room relaxing, Picard
walks in)
Jelleco: Picard! How ya doing?
Picard: Besides the fact that my back is in several small pieces,
just fine! You?
Jelleco: Just examining my son's latest masterpiece!
(Jelleco shows Picard a crayon drawing that we can only see the
back of and not really the picture)
Picard: He's quite an artist. But isn't he a little young to be
sketching nudes?
Jelleco: Oops! (Jelleco grabs it away) That's mine! Sorry! The one
over there of the guy being crushed by an elephant is his!
Picard: I see. Now..aren't you being a little hard on my crew?
Jelleco: You mean asking them to do real work? I know it's hard,
but I'm only going to be captain for a few weeks before they kill
me off.
Picard: This is true. Well, send a probe ahead of me for my mission.
Jelleco: Will do. Bye.
-=-
SCENE X
(We see Picard, Crusher and Worf in a shuttlecraft flying in space)
Picard: Since we're now underway, I can explain to you the true
details of our mission.
Crusher: Great.
Picard: The Cardassians have found a way..to make..Oat Bran
unhealthy.
Worf: <Grunt>!?
Crusher: My Dear!
Picard: YES! This has been forbidden by the Cereal Conference of
2310, but the Cardassians have found a way to do it undetected.
Knowing that every planet in the known universe eats Oat bran, the
food of the Gods, the Cardassians have devised a way to make Oat
Bran as healthy as poison, and they plan to send it over subspace
channels so we won't notice it. Just think- the subspace will seek
out and destroy any health food it comes into contact with- not
JUST oat bran!
Crusher: At least the Klingon Empire will live.
Worf: <Grunt>!
Picard: We have discovered a station in which the Cardassisans are
sending out signals, and so we're going to infiltrate it!
Crusher: Isn't it a little suspicious? I mean there's just three of
us, couldn't they set us up then capture us?
Picard: Nah.
Crusher: Yeah, you're right. But how do we get there undetected?
Picard: We could have you seduce a Ferengi who makes cargo runs
there.
Crusher: That's true. But wouldn't it be more fun to have Worf
seduce a Ferengi who makes cargo runs there?
Worf: <Whimper>
Picard: It would, but due to space restrictions, we'll just jump to
the base.
-=-
SCENE XI
(We see Picard, Worf and Crusher in the tunnels- the real ones)
Picard: Let's go!
(They go through a hugely detailed and dramatic series of twists
and turns and save themselves from many problems. We'd show them to
you but they're not very funny..meanwhile..on the enterprise)
-=-
SCENE XII
Jelleco: You call THIS serious negotiating? You don't even have
anything to give us!
Cardassian Guy: What kind of meeting is this!? All he keeps raving
about is us giving him a gift!?
Jelleco: It's COURTESY! We have you as a guest, you give us a gift!
CG: <sigh> I'll have you know we set up your shuttlecraft.
Jelleco: <Gulp>..uh...hehe..what shuttlecraft?
CG: You mean there isn't one!?
-=-
SCENE XIII
(We see Worf and Crusher dive out of a tunnel, and the camera
focuses in on Picard, trapped inside)
Picard: Great.
(Fade to black, when we come back we see Picard being forced to
talk to a big Cardassian guy)
Big Cardassian Guy: If we don't like what you tell us, you die. In
the next episode we'll torture you alot anyways.
Picard: What are you going to do!?
BCG: We're going to..FORCE YOU TO READ THIS PARODY AGAIN!
Picard: NO!!!!!
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