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Red Dwarf II: Better Than Life script
From: [email protected] (Martin Smith)
Red Dwarf Series II Episode 2 - Better Than Life
------------------------------------------------
Opening Narration by Holly
H: Three million miles from Earth the mining ship Red Dwarf. Its crew: Dave
Lister, the last human being alive. Arnold Rimmer, a hologram of his
dead bunkmate and a creature who evolved from the ships cat. Message
ends
H: Additional: Loneliness weighs heavily on us all. Personally the only
thing that keeps me going is the thought that we are over sixty billion
miles away from the nearest Berni Inn.
The Action Commences
A rocket powered metal cylinder approaches Red Dwarf from the depths of space.
Cut to inside where Lister has a medical problem. He is holding a bottle of
liquid to help a bad stomach.
L: For a mild stomach upset take one teaspoonful. For acute indigestion
take two.
Lister considers, takes the spoon out of his mouth and throws it away. Then he
empties most of the bottle into a glass and starts gulping it. Rimmer enters,
dressed as a chef.
R: Well, a highly enjoyable meal all round. Obviously you can't expect
perfection first time but I was quite delighted with the way my
dumplings went down.
L: Rimmer, real dumplings, proper dumplings when they're properly cooked to
perfection, proper dumplings, should not bounce.
R: True, but compared to what I thought they were going to be like they
were quite superb.
L: So how's the Cat ?
R: He's just sleeping off the stomach pump. He'll be alright. The lamb was
a bit of a flop though.
L: The lamb ? Everybody thought the lamb was the cheese and that lemon
meringue pie man, what was in that ?
R: I thought you liked that, you brought some back.
L: Yeah, I wanted to try some on my athlete's foot.
R: It's not easy Lister, cooking. When you're dead, when you don't exist,
when you're made entirely of light.
L: That's your excuse for everything isn't it ? being dead.
R: I'm just trying to rehabilitate myself, trying to do the everyday,
normal, things that most living people take for granted.
L: You've got the skutters to help you.
R: What ? Pinky and smeggy Perky ? What use are they ? It's like giving
Blind Pew contact lenses.
L: They only do what you tell them to.
R: Ah but they don't do they ? You say "Keep an eye on that lamb" and they
do. They sit there for three hours and watch it burn.
L: So. They've got no emotion have they ? It's not built into their
software.
R: Have you seen their broom cupboard ? it's full of pin-ups of John Wayne.
That cannot be right can it ? Piled this high with Film Fun magazines
(indicates shoulder height). It's not the way spanners behave in my
book.
Holly appears on the screen and breaks in.
H: Oi. What's happening dudes ?
L: Hi Hol.
H: Guess what ?
R: What ?
H: Go on, have a guess.
R: What is it vaguely about ?
H: No clues, just have a guess.
Rimmer and Lister look exasperated. Lister covers his face.
H: I knew you wouldn't get it. Post pod's arrived.
R: What, the mail ?
H: It's been tracking us since we left Earth. Now we've turned round it's
caught up.
L: Do you mean it's taken 3 million years.
H: Yeah, that's about average for second class post.
Cut to the skutters, racing around the corridors. One is wearing an Indian
headdress and is being chased by another in a cowboy hat firing a gun. Lister
and Rimmer walk past.
R: See what I mean ? (makes Indian warcry).
The pod has been opened. Piles and piles of mail are lying around. The arm of
a skutter takes one from the John Wayne fan club addressed to 'the skutters,
Red Dwarf, Deep Space, RE1 3DW' and disappears.
R: There's everything here, all the mail, entertainment cassettes, a new
batch of movies.
L: Oh, the new Friday the 13th movie. Friday the 13th part one thousand six
hundred and forty nine.
R: Look, Cassablanca ! They've re-made Cassablanca.
L: Philistines. I mean how can you re-make Cassablanca ? The one starring
Myra Dinglebat and Peter Beardsley was definitive.
H: I saw that one, knockout! 'Of all the space bars on all the worlds you
had to re-materialise in mine.'
R: Look, a cassette of a whole year's of Earth news here.
L: And two seasons of zero gee football. I'll see you in the spring (gets
up to leave).
R: Ah Ah Ah Ah. What are total immersion video games ?
L: Where ? Oh these are brilliant (picks up canister). You can't get hold
of these for love nor money these are like Venus's arms. These are like
Brooke Shield's buttocks.
R: What are they ?
L: Well they're computer games aren't they ? But electrodes are inserted
into your frontal lobes and hypothalamus right ? So you actually feel as
though you're really, really there. Yessssss.
R: (dismissively) Fine. Holly there's something here for you. It's a video
letter.
H: Bung it on.
Lister inserts the cassette and a face, somewhat similar to Holly's, appears
on the monitor. Except that this one wears glasses.
H: Strike a light, it's Gordon.
R: Who's Gordon ?
H: He's the eleventh generation AI computer aboard the Scott Fitzgerald.
He's got an IQ of eight thousand.
G: Alright Hol ? (the voice belies the IQ estimate). It, It's Gordon.
H: Awesome his intellect I'll tell you.
G: I'm just sending on the latest move in our chess game. My move is Pawn,
right. That's the little knobbly ones down the front. Pawn to King four.
Your move. Well, I'd better sign off now. See you Hol. Bye. (waits some
time and the image still remains on screen) How do you turn this off
then ?
L: (turning off Gordon) You were playing postal chess with him were you ?
H: Well. A chance to lock horns with an intellect of that calibre I'd be a
fool not to. Pawn to King four eh ? He's a sly one.
L: So who's winning Hol ?
H: Well, he is really. That was the first move.
We pan past the Red Dwarf exterior then go inside where Lister is sorting out
the newly delivered mail.
L: Me, Me, Me, You, Me.
R: It's all junk mail yours you know.
L: Me, Me, Me.
R: You send off for every bit of rubbish going you do. Just so you'll have
some mail to open.
L: Me, Me.
R: (silly voice) Please rush me my portable walrus polishing kit. Four
super brushes that will clean even the trickiest of seabound mammals.
Yes I am over eighteen though my IQ isn't.
L: Me, Me. Smeg! Outland Revenue.
R: (sucks in breath and becomes very cheerful) Oh oh oh oh, Outland
Revenue.
L: Eight thousand five hundred ?
R: Eight thousand five hundred ? (happy) That's a lot of tax isn't it
Lister ? How on Titan are you going to pay for that eh ?
L: I'm not (pause). It's yours.
R: What ? (jumps up) No. This is wrong, it's wrong. This is well wrong
Lister.
L: Relax. It doesn't matter now. They're not going to catch you now are
they ?
R: What do you mean ? Just because we're three million years into deep
space and the human species is extinct. That means nothing to these
people. They'll find us.
L: (returning to mail sorting) Me.
R: God. I'll be worrying about this all the time now.
L: Me. No another one for you. Rear Admiral, Lieutenant General Rimmer.
R: That's from my mother.
L: Rear Admiral ?
R: Every time I take an exam I tell her I passed. It's getting embarrassing
now. I should be Commander in Chief of the whole universe.
L: Do you want me to open it ? (Rimmer nods, Lister does so and starts to
read). 'Dear Rimmer' Is this from your mum ?
R: That's mumsie ?
L: This handwriting's terrible. 'I hope this epistle finds you adequately
healthy to discharge your duties.' You know maybe I shouldn't be reading
this deeply personal stuff.
R: Just get on with it.
L: 'I write to' I can't read that. Oh I write to inform. 'I write to inform
you that your father is dad.' Well of course he is. Maybe it's your
father stroke dad.
R: It's dead.
L: I can't make it out (holds letter up and examines it).
R: My father is dead.
L: What ?
R: My father is dead.
L: Oh yeah it's an E. (happy to have solved it) That's what it is. Your
father's dead Rimmer (realises what he's said). Oh eh. I'm sorry.
R: Is that all she says ?
L: Just that he passed away peacefully in his Jeep (looks at letter again)
sleep.
The scene is now the observation dome. Rimmer is staring into space. Lister
arrives.
L: Can't sleep ?
R: Hmmm.
L: No, me neither.
R: Hmmm.
L: I remember when my dad died you know. I was only six. I got loads of
presents off everyone like it was Christmas. I remember wishing a couple
more people would die so I could complete my Lego set. My grandma tried
to explain you know. She said he'd gone away and he wasn't coming back.
So I wanted to know where like, you know. She said he was very happy and
he'd gone to the same place as my goldfish. So I thought they'd flushed
him down the bog. I thought he was just round the U bend you know. I
used to stuff food down, you know, and magazines and that for him to
read. They took me to a child psychologist in the end because they found
me with my head down the bowl reading him the football results.
R: I knew he was dead. I mean they're all dead aren't they ? Just getting
that letter makes it seem like it happened yesterday.
L: You never said much about him.
R: No.
L: You must have been pretty close.
R: Close.
L: Was it very close ?
R: Close (pause). I hated him. I detested his fat stupid guts the pop-eyed,
balding, git.
L: What ?
R: He always wanted to join the Space Corps, be an officer. But they
wouldn't take him because he was an inch below regulation height. One
inch. I had three brothers. When we were young he bought a traction
machine so that he could stretch us. By the time my brother Frank was
eleven he was six foot five. Every morning he'd measure us and if we
hadn't grown, back on the rack.
L: Sounds like he had a screw loose.
R: I don't think he had one screw fully tightened to be perfectly honest
with you. He had this fixation that we all had to get into the Space
Corps. At meal times he'd ask us questions on astronavigation. If we got
them wrong - no food.
L: God Rimmer, how did you cope with that ?
R: I didn't. I nearly died of malnutrition.
L: I had no idea. I thought you adored your parents.
R: When I was fourteen I divorced them.
L: What ?
R: I took them to court. I got paid maintenance until employment age and
access every fourth weekend to the family dog.
L: So why are you so completely blown away about him dying then ?
R: Oh, it doesn't mean to say I don't respect him, didn't look up to him.
It was only natural, he was my father.
L: There's nothing natural about your family Rimmer.
R: It's just I always wanted just once, just once, for him to say to me
'well done.'
L: For what ?
R: For something, for anything. I wanted him to be proud of me, just once.
And now ....
The cat enters with a flourish, completely wrecking the serious moment.
C: Wow !!! My stomach has been pumped and now I'm hungry. Hey there you
are. Hey man, I'm so hungry I just have to eat.
L: Shhhhh. Not now man. Rimmer's dad's died.
C: I'd prefer chicken.
Back in the living quarters Rimmer is watching the news tape. A hologrammatic
newsreader is reading the news. Behind her is a backdrop 'Groovy Channel 27'.
NR: Good evening. Here is the news on Friday the 27th of Geldof.
Archeologists near mount Sinai have discovered what is believed to be a
missing page from the Bible. The page is currently being carbon dated in
Bonn. If genuine it belongs at the beginning of the Bible and is
believed to read 'To my darling Candy. All characters portrayed within
this book are fictitous and any resemblance to persons living or dead is
purely coincidental'. The page has been universally condemned by church
leaders. Europe. A terrorist representing the Revolutionary Working
Front, a fanatical left wing group dedicated to eliminating the ...
The cat enters and sits on the end of Rimmers bunk.
R: Pause (the recording stops).
C: About your father. If it's any help he's in the ground now. Sure it's
bad news for him. But on the other hand it's party time for all the
little worms (wiggles fingers, Rimmer and Lister stare at him). There's
just no consoling him (the Cat leaves).
L: Rimmer listen, me and the Cat were going to play a TIV. We wondered if
you wanted to come (Rimmer shakes his head). Oh come on Holly says he
can key you in (Rimmer shakes his head again). No ? (Lister waits a
short while and leaves).
R: Play.
NR: ... middle class was arrested today. The man, Henri le Clerque, was
attempting to poison the mineral spring in france which is the source of
all the world's Perrier water. Had he succeeded experts believe the
middle class would have been wiped out within three weeks. Techno news.
The new sensation sweeping the solar system is the total immersion video
game Better Than Life. Using the new senso lock feedback technology
Better Than Life is able to detect all your desires and fantasies and
then make them come true (Rimmer sits up and begins to take note). So
great is the appeal of Better than life when one store in New Tokyo ran
out of stocks rubber nuclear weapons had to be deployed to disperse the
crowd. Sport. England's underwater hockey team's tour of Titan ...
Rimmer and the Cat are eagerly watching Lister who is searching through the
mail. Rimmer has completely changed his mind about the idea and is as keen as
the rest of them.
L: Better than life, here it is.
R: Brilliant!
C: Let's play. Hee hee hee.
They all put on rather strange looking helmets and press large electrodes into
their heads. A stupefied expression appears on their faces. Their heads roll
alarmingly. Suddenly they are seen through a cloud of steam in a corridor.
They pass through two sets of imposing double doors and appear on a beach.
They have entered Better Than Life.
L: What sort of game is this ?
R: It's incredible. It's just like being here.
L: Yeesss.
Lister has seen Marilyn Monroe walking towards them.
MM: Boop boop bi doo.
She waves and walks past.
R: That's whatshername, the actress from the 20th century. Err, Mary
Magdelene.
L: It's Marilyn Monroe you gimp. (nudges Cat) I think she fancies you.
C: What does that prove ? She's not blind. Hey baby I'm a little busy right
now. I'll catch you later ok ? (waves to her and she waves back.)
R: It's absolutely incredible. Look, Look !
Rimmer has seen a Napoleonic figure standing in the water and runs over to
him.
R: Excuse me. You're probably really busy but could I just say you are my
all time favourite fascist dictator and I've read all your war diaries
and I thought your Italian campaign was simply brilliant. Err could you
just sign this for me. Err make it out to my good pal Arnie from your
dear chum Napolean Bonaparte. It's not for me, it's for my sister
Alison. Errm we call her Arnie.
Rimmer points behind Napoleans head as he signs the autograph and then goes to
rejoin the others.
L: Napolean Bonapartes autograph!
Suddenly a man appears with them. He is the Better Than Life guide. The crew
look rather shocked by his sudden appearance.
BTLG: Gentlemen. Welcome to Better Than Life. Well you must be hungry and
there's a restaurant just a couple of miles down the beach.
L: A couple of miles ? How are we supposed to get there.
BTLG: Anyway you want. After all this is Better Than Life.
L: Any way we want ?
Lister concentrates briefly and a powerful motorbike appears on the beach
before them.
L: Hee hee. Yeah. Yo!
Lister and the cat get on the bike and sunglasses appear in their hands. They
put on the sunglasses, give Rimmer the finger and drive away, covering him in
sand in the process. Rimmer concentrates and a clapped out Reliant Robin
appears before him.
R: I'm thinking too small. Think big!
The Robin becomes a flashy Jaguar.
R: That's more like it. Heh Heh.
He gets into the car and turns on the radio. Martial type music comes forth.
Rimmer salutes. He concentrates again and a woman appears in the seat next to
him.
R: McGruder!
McG: Hi Tiger! (makes growling noise)
R: I bet you're wearing a peep-hole bra under that eh ?
McG: (emphatically) Yes I am!
Rimmer growls and sticks his hand in his mouth. He seems rather pleased with
the way things are going.
R: We're only one thing away from perfection.
Rimmer concentrate again and fluffy dies appear in the car. (yes I know the
plural of dice!)
R: Bliss.
McGruder gives Rimmer a sexy look and he drives off along the beach. We cut to
the interior of a classy restaurant full of colorful, you might say strange if
they were poor, people. The Cat is blowing down straws and Lister is throwing
food about and trying to catch it in his mouth as usual.
C: Where's Rimmer ? I thought he was right behind us.
The Better Than Life guide appears and serves Listers' food.
BTLG: Your caviar vindaloo sir. Half rice, half chips and lots more bread and
butter to follow.
L: I never thought I'd see the day when I could eat something as classy as
this you know.
BTLG: This is Better Than Life sir. (turns to Cat) And yours was the fish sir
?
The cat nods eagerly and starts to lick the mans jacket.
L: (mouth full of food) What are you doing ?
C: I always do this when someone gives me food.
The cat continues and Lister puts down his plate. The guide puts a tank full
of fish in front of the cat.
BTLG: As ordered sir. Small fish. Are you sure you wouldn't like your fish
cooked.
L: No sir. I like my food to move. (produces a fishing rod, dangles the
hook in the tank and starts singing.) I'm going to eat you little fishy
...
Rimmer walks in dressed rather nattily like someone from some years ago who
has just been out for a drive in an expensive car, goggles included.
BTLG: Mr Rimmer (salutes) sir. They're on table K on the second terrace.
R: Excellent. (he moves off to join them)
C: ... I'm going to eat you little fishy. I'm going to eat you little fishy
cos I like little fish (laughs and shakes salt into the tank. Lister
still looks on with a strange expression)
R: Ah, I'm sorry, I don't know what happened. I was driving along and
suddenly there was McGruder. Well one thing led to another and ... Good
God this is a great game. Twice in one lifetime, I'm turning into Hugh
Heffner. (he starts to eat some bread)
L: Rimmer, you can touch things!
R: I know. Why do you think I was so late ? (makes gesture with fist and
elbow - you know the one I mean).
L: Have you checked into your room yet ?
R: What room ?
L: I mean mine is absolutely brilliant. I've got this vibrating, leopard
skin, waterbed in the shape of a guitar.
C: Yeah ? Well you should take a look at my wardrobe. It's so big it
crosses an international time zone. When it's three o' clock where my
shirts are it's seven in the morning for my socks. (nods in a smug
manner and goes back to fishing).
A voice off stage is then heard calling. Rimmer looks round, thinking someone
is showing off.
V: Admiral.
L: But what about my electonic lavvy ? I mean this thing comes when you
call it, take your trousers down, does everything for you. It's just so
stylish.
V: Admiral.
R: Who is that ? Just because some hoity-toity, gonad brain, gimp knows an
Admiral does he have to broadcast it ?
V: Admiral Rimmer sir.
R: (makes yawning noise) Awwwww, yawn-o-rama city. We know an Admiral. Come
on.
The owner of the voice now appears and does a Rimmer style salute. He is in a
Captains uniform and remains at salute through the following speech.
V: Admiral Rimmer sir. Field Marshall Clifton sends his compliments and
wonders if you would care to join him for port and cigars.
R: Errr, I think there must be some mistake. I'm not an Admiral.
Suddenly Rimmer is an Admiral. He is now wearing a uniform with more
decorations than the cistine chapel.
R: I love this game! Gentlemen, do excuse me.
Rimmer gets up and goes to join the Field Marshall and friends. The guide
reappears with a champagne bucket which he sets down on the table.
BTLG: Dom Perignon '54 sir. (he brings out a beer glass and puts it down) In a
pint mug as requested.
L: Thank you my man.
Lister drinks the bubbly in one go, spilling a good deal of it and puts the
empty glass on his head. The cat looks on.
L: That's a good year.
We switch scenes to the Field Marshals party. Rimmer is sat at the head of the
table, smoking a cigar. Everyone is laughing good naturedly.
R: So I said to Hollister (pauses slightly). Well I can't actually remember
exactly what I said to him. But it was one of the most enormously cruel
and frighteningly witty put downs ever.
The military men look at each other for a while. But this is Better Than Life
so they all burst into laughter. A young cadet comes up to Rimmer.
YC: Sir, I know it's most awful bore but, err, would you mind just signing
this.
He produces a book and pen.
R: What's that you little pipsqueak ?
We now see that the book has a colour photo of Arnie on the front in full
uniform.
R: My Incredible Career by Admiral A. J. Rimmer.
YC: I've read it eighteen times sir.
Rimmer signs the book and hands it back to the cadet.
R: There you go laddo.
YC: Oh thank you sir. Gosh, I'll be the envy of the academy.
Rimmer stops as behind the Field Marshall and another officer he sees his
father.
R: Father.
RF: Son.
R: What are you doing here ?
RF: I'm sorry to barge in on you and your, err, officer chummies but...
R: Yes ?
RF: I just wanted to tell you.
R: Yes ?
RF: I just wanted to say.
R: Yes ?
RF: I just wanted to say (pause). You're a total smeghead!
R: (looking shocked) What ? This isn't my fantasy! (the Cat comes into
view)
C: No, it's mine (the cat steals Rimmers cigar and exits).
The scene switches to outside where Lister and the Cat are playing golf.
Lister is dressed normally but the Cat has full golfing costume on. Lister is
not playing with much style and gives the ball a whack.
L: Yess, Hooooo.
C: Hey move over man. I want to plant my egg (puts the ball down)
L: It's called a ball.
C: Are you trying to tell me how to play this game ? You think cats never
played golf ? Ok.
The cat takes a big swing, spins round three times and throws the golf club
far into the distance. Lister dives for cover. The cat hops on one leg
watching the flight of the club. We next see the pair pushing their golf bags
up a hill and making car noises.
L: I'm really thirsty you know.
C: Yeah ?
L: Yeah.
The guide comes into shot carrying a large drink with a firework in it.
BTLG: Perhaps a banana bomb sir.
L: Thank you my man.
The guide lights the rocket and it shoots up out of the glass. They laugh and
carry on walking. They pass a large bed on which Marilyn Monroe is lying.
MM: Hi sugar! How about a bit of ooby dooby doo ?
C: How's about a bit of ooby dooby dont.
They carry on and Marilyn throws a pillow at him.
C: What a pest!
They have reached the green, a golf ball comes rolling onto it and rolls near
to the hole. A golf club then comes flying onto the green as well, landing
nearby. Lister and the Cat walk into view and so does Hollys monitor from the
other side.
H: Alright ? What's happening dudes ?
C: We're having a really nice time. I'm dating Marilyn Monroe and also I
have another girlfriend who's a mermaid. She's half woman, half fish.
(he starts licking and kissing a photograph then turns round.) It's
Miranda, my girlfriend.
As she comes out of the water we see the top half of her is a fish, the bottom
half a woman.
H: Somehow I'd imagined she'd be a woman on top and a fish on the bottom.
C: No. That's a stupid way round (he sticks out his tongue briefly and
grins and waves).
A heavily loaded, small, car drives into view down a country lane. We hear
kids screaming and see Rimmer at the wheel. The car stops, it seems to be in
trouble. Rimmer and a woman get out. They start arguing. We see there are
several kids running around and the woman is pregnant again.
L: Rimmer! What happened to you.
R: Lister. Ah this a great game lister. I couldn't be happier.
C: Who are all those guys ?
R: It's Mc Gruder. She got pregnant so this morning she made me marry her
and this afternoon we had seven kids. Bliss.
L: Where's your E type ?
R: It was too impractical. With all the kids and everything.
L: Rimmer you fantasised that you had seven kids and a mortgage ?
R: (grabbing hold of Lister) Help!
McG: Arnold! Where are the nappy sacks ?
Rimmer is now wearing very old clothes and drinking from a bottle wrapped in a
paper bag.
R: My brain's rebelled. It just won't accept nice things happening to me.
It just keeps fantasising horribleness.
Rimmer slides down the wall. Suddenly an official looking man appears.
OLM: Mr Rimmer ?
R: (weakly) Yes.
OLM: Mr Arnold Judas Rimmer ?
R: Yes.
OLM: (smiles) Outland Revenue sir!
R: Oh my God!
ORM: This is a demand for immediate payment.
R: Eighteen thousand ?
ORM: If you are unable to pay sir I am instructed by the Revenue to break
both your legs and pull off your thumbs (twitches) sir.
R: What am I going to do ? I'm broke.
L: I'll pay. I'll pay. I'll pay (looks through pockets but can't find any
cash). Where's all my money gone ?
R: Oh no! I just fantasised it all away. This is getting worse. Help me.
C: Ah! don't move! A huge, black, furry, spider with big teeth just crawled
up your trouser leg.
R: I know. I just put it there. It's the thing I'm afraid of most in the
whole world, a tarantula crawling up my trousers.
L: Rimmer, this is getting out of hand.
R: Do you think I don't know that. Ah! he's past my knee. He's into my
boxers.
L: Close your eyes and wish it away.
R: I can't!
L: Concentrate man.
R: I can't!
A sudden change of scene via some form of reality shift. We pull back from a
close up of Rimmer to find the crew buried in sand up to their necks. Even
Holly is involved.
C: What's he done now ?
R: I'm sorry, I'm really sorry.
L: What's going on ?
R: Our faces have been smeared with jam and we're about to be eaten alive
by killer ants.
C: Why ?
R: Why not ?
H: Oh dear. You can't take him anywhere can you ? (the monitor image is
also covered in jam)
L: You've ruined this Rimmer.
R: We're going to die. We're going to die and it's all my fault.
All: Aaaaaarrghhh!!!!!
Suddenly we are back on Red Dwarf. Everyone removes the BTL helmets.
L: You're a total dinglebat aren't you ?
R: I'm sorry.
C: Yeah we were having a great time until you came along with your diseased
brain.
L: You're a bozo.
Lister picks up another piece of mail and they all walk out.
R: I can't help it, nice things just don't happen to me.
C: Hey, what's that ?
L: It's a letter and it's for Rimmer (lister opens it and reads). 'Dear Sir
due to a computer error you were wrongly informed that you had failed
the astronavigation exam. In fact you passed with honours and you are
hereby promoted to navigation officer first class. We enclose your pips
and insignia.' Smegging hell!
Lister and the Cat look disgusted and walk off.
L: Who said you was a loser eh ? Who said nice things never happen to you ?
Rimmer does a big salute. The door to the cupboard then opens and the taxman
comes out carrying a big hammer.
ORM: I did!
L: Oh no, we're still in the game!
ORM: You certainly are. Now what about my eighteen grand ? Come on, it's bone
crunching time me old china. Now where's those little thumbies ?
He puts Rimmers hand down on the table and gives it a big thump with the
hammer. The film freezes. Final caption in big letters:
G A M E
O V E R
Credits:
Rimmer: Chris Barrie
Lister: Craig Charles
Cat: Danny John-Jules
Holly: Norman Lovett
with:
Rimmer's Dad: John Abineri
Marilyn Monroe: Debbie Ash
Rathbone: Jeremy Austin
The Captain: Nigel Carrivick
The Guide: Tony Hawks
McGruder: Judy Hawkins
The Newsreader: Tina Jenkins
The Taxman: Ron Pember
Gordon: Gordon Salkilld
Written By: Rob Grant and Doug Naylor
Music: Howard Goodall
Graphic Designer: Mark Allen
Unit Manager: Kelvin Jones
Associate Producer: Ann Zahl
OB Lighting: David Parker and Gordon White
OB Cameraman: Rocket
Technical Coordinator: Andrew Cowley
Camera Supervisor: Melvyn Cross
Vision Mixer: Jill Dornan
Prop Buyer: Mike Fallon
Visual Effects Designer: Peter Wragg
Videotape Editor: Ed Wooden
Production Team: Helen Campbell and Kate Preston
Assistant Floor Manager: Dona DiStefano
Production Assistant: Anna Staniland
Production Manager: Mike Agnew
Costume Designer: Jackie Pinks
Make-Up Designer: Bethan Jones
Sound Supervisor: Tony Worthington
Lighting Director: John Pomfrey
Designer: Paul Montague
Executive Producer: Paul Jackson
Produced and Directed By: Ed Bye
Notes and Trivia:
The ending seems rather reminiscent of that of a Young ones episode where Neil
gets beaten up 'Oh no, this is the dream!'.
Maybe Lister and Cat were too hard on Rimmer. He did get them out of Better
Than Life and if you've read the books you know what that means. But then
again he didn't did he ? When did they get out ?
Kryten, rescued last episode, has disappeared.
The Taruantula guest starred in a similar (though much funnier) gag in series
V.
Golf and fishing were to resurface in a later series where Lister and Cat play
Junior Angler and Indoor golf!
This episode, along with 'Kryten' and 'Thanks For The Memory' is on BBC Video
BBCV 4749.
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Martin Smith | 'You've got a magic carpet for three people to fly to
[email protected] | the King of the Potato People to plead your case and
BT D&P London | you're trying to tell me you're sane?' - A.J. Rimmer
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