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Romana & Dave: Dr. Who/David Letterman parody
============================================================================
R O M A N A ' N D A V E An Unauthorized Doctor Who/LATE NIGHT
--------------------------- Parody featuring characters originally
#2 Written by Tom Golden portrayed by Lalla Ward and David Letterman
============================================================================
'DAVE MEETS THE BLACK AND WHITE GUARDIANS'
(AN UNEARTHLY JOKE / THE WAD OF GUM, Part 2)
OUR STORY SO FAR: Dave accidentally causes Romana's new Tardis to
materialize on planet Thertirok IV-H. Romana checks out the surroundings,
only to be chased back into the Tardis by a guest monster hand (played by
Paul Schaffer). Dave serves fish sticks and jellybabies for dinner.
============================================================================
SCENE 1: CONTROL ROOM, THE NEXT MORNING
Romana is busily pulling out and replacing burnt-out circuit boards from
the control console...
DAVE (Entering the control room, yawns) Y'know, this Tardis of
yours would be a whole lot nicer if there were signs
pointing to where the can is. I must have spent half the
night looking for it.
ROMANA (Uncomfortably) Male humanoid... hmmm... Down the main
corridor, once to the left, once to the right, then two
more lefts and another right -- I presume you found it?
DAVE LEFT off the main corridor? I went right, right, left,
left, left, then kind of diagonally and then left...the
room LOOKED like a bathroom...
ROMANA Oh NO, the ZERO ROOM!
DAVE Well I guess it's the ONE and TWO room now...(grins
sheepishly) sorry.
ROMANA I guess I'll just have to jettison it from the architectural
configuration... (sigh) is there no end to your madness?
DAVE What did you say?
ROMANA I said, 'Is there no mending this Tardis?' We burnt out
a lot of circuitry when we dematerialized so suddenly.
We're stuck here until I can make repairs.
DAVE Stuck? I have tickets to a Knicks game tonight! They cost
a FORTUNE and I'm not about to miss it!
ROMANA Don't worry...I can get you there on time, and then after
the game is over I can get you there again and you can
watch from the other side, Blinovich willing. OK?
DAVE Really? I think I could get used to travelling around in
this crate if we can do that.
ROMANA (to herself) but can New York handle TWO of him, I wonder?
Looking bored, Dave takes a handy pencil and fingers it...and then looks
mischeviously at the viewscreen...
DAVE Hmmm...wonder what kind of sound it'd make...naah, I'm in
enough trouble already. Hee hee hee hee--
Suddenly, with a clap of thunder, two figures appear on the viewscreen --
The BLACK and WHITE GUARDIANS!
DAVE Hey, Romana -- look at the two geeks on the screen!
ROMANA What? OH! David, they are not...'geeks'...they are the
Black and White Guardians...you should be more respectful...
DAVE Sounds like a security service for police cars. Who are
these guys?
WHITE GUARDIAN ROMANADVORATRELUNDAR...We bid you GREETINGS and
FELICITATIONS. What means GEEK?
ROMANA (To guardians) It is a term of the highest respect.
P-p-please don't mind David, he's a little eccentric. He
goes on like this for hours at times. David, these beings
are the supreme forces for good and evil in this universe.
Now, be a good companion ... and ... say ... HELLO.
DAVE Oh, you mean like Batman and the Joker. Hey, I think the
White Guardian is...yes, folks, it's really Chris Elliott!
WHITE GUARDIAN (whispers) Shut up Dave, you'll ruin the sketch...Marv
Albert is the Black Guardian, OK? Don't be a jerk --
follow the program, OK?
DAVE Hee hee hee hee hee...Okay, Chris, I mean Mr. White
Guardian, hee hee hee...hello, it is, and I mean this
sincerely, it is an HONOR and a privilege to meet you.
WHITE GUARDIAN (Elliott's most pompous tone) Why thank you, young man.
I must say, you haven't been much of a force for good, have
you. Do you have anything to say for yourself? Perhaps
something like, 'I'm sorry for not giving Chris Elliot
more time on my show'?
DAVE Hee hee hee hee Well, I just don't know what to say... I--
BLACK GUARDIAN YESSSSS! Wait! I think that I must point out that he hasn't
done much to serve me either. In fact, he's been mostly a
waste of good protoplasm for most of his life. I have an
idea...YESSS! Why don't I just fix the space between his
teeth and then no one will be compelled to stare transfixed
at him anymore...YESSS!
DAVE You mean I wouldn't be able to, like, STARE directly into
the camera and say something like 'I...AM...DAVE...
LETTERMAN,...AND YOU...WILL...OBEY...*ME*' and people won't
watch my show anymore?
WHITE GUARDIAN (Ignoring Dave) We don't have time...remember, YOU locked
the Key to Time in a parallel universe, and now we have to
find the Locksmith Guardian...
DAVE The supreme force for Shlage in the universe?
WHITE GUARDIAN No, Yale. Just stick to the script, Dave...OK?
DAVE Hee hee hee...Y'know, Guardians, I hear that there's a
football game between the 49ers and 5 other teams at the
same time -- and I hear that NBC's looking to sign Brent
Musberger to cover it. I'm just about ready to put it on
the viewscreen...would you like to watch?
BLACK GUARDIAN (hurriedly) If you'll excuse me, I have some other
obligationssss... YESSSSS.....
The Black Guardian disappears from the viewscreen to the sounds of a
football crowd enthusiastically cheering a field goal...
DAVE I knew Marv'd fall for that one...
WHITE GUARDIAN Your companion is much brighter than he looks. But then
again, most asteroids are brighter than he looks.
ROMANA (whispering to Dave) You are too lucky for your own good.
Don't you get it? These Guardians can alter time so you
NEVER existed!
DAVE (whispering to Romana) If I never existed, then Chris
Elliot would still be a taxi driver in Manhattan, whining
'I'm Bob and Ray's son! I'm Bob and Ray's Son' all the --
WHITE GUARDIAN SILENCE! ROMANADVORATRELUNDAR, the Key to Time is locked
in a parallel universe, and I want YOU to search for the
Locksmith Guardian. I'll pick up the tab, of course. All
you need do is find him and I can do the rest. You will
find what you need to complete the task on this planet.
Do you have any questions?
DAVE Yeah, I want to know why you took the job on 'Nick and
Hillary' a while back. I mean, that show just stank up
the place. NBC actually got the first negative share in
ratings history with that turkey.
WHITE GUARDIAN (as Chris Elliott) Dave, for the LAST time, shut UP and
stick to the SCRIPT -- or I'll have to TOAST you with my
White Guardian Powers.
ROMANA Regardless of who you think he is, David, I suggest you
listen to what he says -- I know what he is capable of.
DAVE Ok, ok. But you promise to let me smoke a cigar in the
control room. Deal?
ROMANA (Hesitates) Deal. (to herself) And I thought the Doctor
was out of control. I wish I hadn't left K-9 with Biroc!
DAVE Biroc? Oh, you mean the guy who looks like Vincent on
Beauty and the Beast? Yeah, I never saw anyone actually
dump Kal Kan on a plate and eat it with a fork and some
white wine before! By candlelight, no less!
ROMANA Look! The White Guardian has disappeared!
DAVE Yeah, probably to do another book tour. Well, it looks
like it's time to go down the hall, or rather outside.
Shall we?
ROMANA I think that would be a good idea.
SCENE 2: A DARK FOREST
Romana and Dave venture outside the Tardis, which looks like a 7 foot tall
gray box. The Tardis is in a small clearing, surrounded by a dark forest.
As they close the door and step away, the box begins to glow and change
shape...
DAVE Hey, what's it doing?
ROMANA The Tardis is activating its chameleon circuit -- to blend
in with its surroundings. And mine actually works, too.
DAVE But it's not quite blending in, is it...it looks like --
ROMANA Like a seven-foot-tall --
DAVE Yep, it's a fire hydrant.
ROMANA I should NEVER have trusted K-9 to correctly remember how
to build a chameleon circuit. Oh well, nothing we can do
now... we're off...
DAVE Y'know, Romana, TARDIS is a really dumb word...it sounds
like the stuff you get on your teeth...'Ummm, we're going
to scrape all the TARDIS off your teeth now', or 'Chewing
CRUNCHY-BONE Dog Biscuits will remove stubborn TARDIS off
of your dog's teeth.' Hee hee hee he he --
ROMANA David, DO shut up and let's go...
DAVE (Voice fading as they walk into the forest) Well, YES
MA'AM, your Time Ladyship... You know, I think I ought
to check the air in your ego next time we're near a
service station...it's just a leeeeetle bit over-inflated...
NEXT TIME: THE LETTERMAN FACTOR
============================================================================
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(C) 1990 by Thomas H. Golden, Jr., all rights reserved.
'Romana 'n Dave' is a satire, and by its nature must refer to certain char-
acters, places and things which are copyrighted by or are trademarks of the
National Broadcasting Company, BBC Enterprises, or other persons or entities.
No permission or endorsement by those entities should be construed. This
work may be distributed on condition that it MUST be intact as provided by
the author, including this copyright notice, and that it MUST NOT be dis-
tributed for profit.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Internet address: [email protected]
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