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Shoe Q
RIB Productions
Proudly bring to you
"Shoe Q"
An ST:TNG Parody of "True Q"
By Robert I. Brayer
-=-
SCENE I
Picard: Captain's Log, Stardate Bleah.55, We have recieved a rather odd guest
aboard the Enterprise...
Riker: We are happy to have you aboard, we hear you did rather good on the
tests.
A Shoe: <Says nothing>
Crusher: You studied all of that? Very diverse! I'm impressed! Riker here will
show you to your quarters.
Riker: If you'll just step this way..
(The shoe follows behind)
Riker: So, did you have a safe flight?
A Shoe: <Says nothing>
Riker: Yes, the turblence over Alpha Buttocks VI can be quite a pain..what's
that?
A Shoe: <Says nothing>
Riker: Ah here we are, will this be satisfactory for you?
A Shoe: <Says nothing>
Riker: Well I'm sorry you couldn't bring those dogs and you wish they were
here, but I sure hope you're not a Q or anything cuz then they'd appear.
(Dogs appear)
Riker: Must be just a coincidence! Bye!
A Shoe: <Says nothing>
-=-
SCENE II
Picard: You mean to tell me if we don't get to that planet they may run out of
cologne and perfume and go on forever smelling like peasents?
Laforge: That's the gist of it! We're going to have to hurry! Ro: But why does
it matter if they smell like peasants?
Worf: <Grunt>
Riker: Because then they'll be reduced to peasants- on Snobworld, the only
thing seperating the upper class from the lower is the smell, if they all smell
bad things might be equal! And that'd be horrible!
Ro: But why would that be so horrible!?
Picard: Work with us here!
Troi: I sense something.
Riker: What's that?
Troi: I sense Worf standing on my foot.
Worf: <Grunt> Oops.
(We see Troi's foot start to swell up immensly)
Picard: Picard to Sickbay! Medical Emergency! Troi's foot is swelling ! BEAM
HER DIRECTLY THERE!!
Crusher: I got a man dyin here!
Riker: To heck with him! We need Troi to beat up on!
(Troi dematerializes)
-=-
SCENE III
Troi: And it hurts right ..there...
(Crusher hits the area)
Troi: OW!!
Crusher: You mean there?
Troi: Yes there.
(Worf bites it)
Troi: OW!!
Riker: Come on now! Give her the treatment.
Crusher: OK- Mr. Shoe, please bring me the readings on Deanna here.. (The shoe
walks up and hands Dr. Crusher a clipboard)
Crusher: Oh this isn't very good. We're going to have to kill her. All But Worf
And The Shoe: YEAAH!!!
Crusher: Haha! Just kidding!
(Suddenly a large barrel falls from the sky towards Troi's head) A Shoe: <Gasp>
(The shoe moves it's laces a slight bit, and the barrel
miraculously swerves and hits Wesley in the face and knocks him down!)
Wes: What am I doing here?!
Troi: Getting hit with a barrel!
Wes: I'll be on my way then.
(Wes implodes)
Riker: Are you ok Counselor?! That was real close!
Troi: Yeah just a little surprised that it somehow didn't hit me! A Shoe:
<Whistling>
Crusher: You're free to go now Troi! The swelling seems to be gone. -=-
SCENE IV
(In Ten-Forward, Guinan is serving Worf)
Guinan: What can I get for you Worf?
Worf: <Grunt> Prune juice.
Guinan: Constipated again? Ok be right back!
(Suddenly the shoe walks in)
A Shoe: <Says nothing>
Worf: <Grunt>
A Shoe: <Says nothing>
(The shoe walks up and sits down in the chair next to worf) Worf: <Grunt>!!
A Shoe: <Says nothing>
Worf: <GRUNT>! <grunt>....<grunt> <GRuNt>!!
Guinan: Well here's your prune juice...
(The shoe suddenly notices that the prune juice is really a TRIBBLE shake! He
quickly focuses his energy and within seconds the shake is transformed into
prune juice, thus saving Worf from a large explosion!)
Guinan: Whoa! That was a close one!
-=-
SCENE V
(In the conference room)
Guinan: It was so strange..I almost accidentally served Worf a tribble shake..
All but the Shoe: <Gasp>
Riker: But, you say- it just TRANSFORMED MAGICALLY back to prune juice without
any regard for the laws of bad drinks?
Q: Those are so inconvienent!
Picard: Q! Is this YOUR doing!?
Q: Not at all! I'm just making a cameo!
Crusher: Oh.
Q: Haha! Just kidding! Of course it's my doing! The barrel wasn't much of a
test so I wanted to see if the shoe had the power... Picard: The shoe?! What
has it done?
Q: Mon Captain, if it wasn't for the shoe - Worf would have killed you by now!
The shoe....is....a.....Q!
Riker: A Q?!? How's that possible!?
Q: Well.. it's parents, this really snappy high heel and a high-top sneaker,
wanted to live in Shoe Heaven, but they were killed in ...they were killed
in....a religious telethon!
Picard: That's terrible! Well anyhow why are you here?
Q: Besides the contract? Well mostly to take the shoe.
Crusher: NO! You can't take the shoe !
Q: It has to go to the continuum, do you think we can let beings with that kind
of power roam the universe? Do you know what they might do?! Do you know that
we already have enough "Bob Hope" specials to last us a lifetime and some poor
omnipotent soul might unleash more! He could open up a Mcdonald's in India for
Q's sakes! Or even worse he could ressurrect Wesley!
Wes: I'll have you know! I'm still alive!
Q: Not for long.
(Wes disappers.)
Q: Anyhow you get the idea.
Picard: He has a point, but the shoe- it has it's own ambitions.. Q: Come now,
let me teach it.. bye.
(Q vanishes)
-=-
SCENE VI
(Q appears in the shoe's quarters)
Q: Hey Shoe! Come back to the continuum with me willya?
A Shoe: <Says nothing>
Q: Oh come on now..you have to! Look at we can do! I'm going to teleport
somewhere - you try and find me!
A Shoe: <Says nothing>
Q: Of course you can do it! Let's try!
(Q vanishes)
(The shoe thinks and then vanishes)
-=-
SCENE VII
(Here we see a ship's ballot box.. and Ross Perot stuffing it) Perot: I'm the
people's servent... all of these neato votes! (Suddenly a shoe appears)
A Shoe: <Says nothing>
Perot: AGH! I've been caught!!!!!
(Q pops suddenly out of the ballot box)
Q: Nice...but think like a Q!
Perot: AGHGHGGHHG!!! noO!!!! I can't buy enough TV Time to explain -that.. wait
a sec.. I have enough money to buy the rest of this parody! I'll be back later.
(Ross disappers)
Q: Try and find me now!
(Q disappers)
(A Shoe vanishes!)
-=-
SCENE VIII
(Here we see a very attractive woman lying in a very provocative position on a
bed. A shoe appears)
A shoe: <Says nothing>
Woman: Hey wait a sec, what are you-
(Suddenly Bill Clinton steps out. Dressed as superman.)
Clinton: OH NO!! I've been caught! This isn't an extramarital affair! I didn't
inhale! Really!
(Q appears looking out of the woman's brazziere)
Q: Think like a pervert!
(Q disappears)
(The shoe vanishes)
Clinton: Oh well. Now I've got $300,000 a year to buy pot and hookers. This is
a great job!
(Suddenly Ross Perot appears)
Perot: Now see..I wouldn't accept a salary! And none of my money is from
Special Interest Groups or anything!
Clinton: That's because you have $3 billion dollars.
Perot: SHUT UP!
(Perot disappears)
-=-
SCENE IX
(Here we can see George Bush having a conversation with a
top-secret looking guy)
Guy: And we simply sell lots of arms and free them.
Bush: What a great idea!
(Suddenly a shoe appears)
A Shoe: <Says Nothing>
Bush: AGH!!! I don't know about this! Really I don't!
(Q appears out of the shirt of a secret-guy!)
Q: Now you're getting the idea! Let's go back!
-=-
SCENE X
(Q and A shoe appear in the shoe's quarters)
Q: See?! The whole existence can be yours! If the price is right. A Shoe: <Says
nothing>
Q: No.
-=-
SCENE XI
Perot: And you see, for a marginal fee of $3 million dollars I can buy some
time..
RIB Executive: I'll have to confer with the author.
(He goes away, and comes back in in a few minutes)
RIB Executive: He says $250 million.
Perot: Deal! Summon everyone to the holodeck.
RIB Executive: It's done!
-=-
SCENE XII
Q: What am I doing here!?
Picard: What am *I* doing here!?
Riker(in his underwear with a girl): Uh oh.
Troi: Shut up Will!(kicks him)
Data: Oh boy!
Sam Beckett: Shut up that's my line!
(Sam implodes)
Worf: <Grunt>
A Shoe: <Says nothing>
(Suddenly Ross Perot walks out and sits down at a table)
Perot: Hello ladies and gentlemen..
Picard: What are we doing here!? AGH!
Perot: YOU'RE ALL MY PRISONERS! YOU MUST LISTEN TO MY CAMPAIGN DRIVEL!
BAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!
All But The Shoe And Worf: NO!!!!!
Riker: What are you running for?
Perot: President of the United States of course!
Data: Uh, sir, the US has fallen hundreds of years ago.
Perot: Whoops. Wonder what I can run for.
Q: This is becoming tiresome...
Perot: Hey- you- what do YOU do?
Q: I'm a Q.
Perot: Oh yeah. Well that's it. I'm running for 'Q'..vote Perot for Q!
Q: You can't do that!
(Clinton and Bush appear)
Bush: Of course NOT! We need equal time!
Clinton: Yeah.
Perot: I bought this time! And so I get at least the first crack. Picard: This
is absurd!
Q: I'm leaving.
(Q snaps his fingers- he remains..we hear a large voice)
A big Q: Q! WHAT IS YOUR PROGRESS!?
Q: Er.. well.. the shoe is pretty powerful..we might not have to kill it. Or
delace it.
A big Q: Good. Now proceed with the erection!
Q: Er, don't you mean election?
A big Q: SHUT UP! I know what I mean! Now listen to these guys and then you get
to choose one!
Q: But they *ALL* suck!
A big Q: You don't know that. Mr. Perot, first-
(A big Q disappers)
Perot: Now... Do you want to talk ? Or do you want to do something? If you want
to do something...vote for ME!
Riker: Er..what are you going to do?
Perot: Get rid of the 'Q' Continuum deficit of course! We owe zillions to the
Japanese Q! Here's one now...
(A Japanese Q appears)
A Japanese Q: <He says something incomprehensible in another language>
Perot: See? THE BRILLIANCE OF THESE PEOPLE!
(The Japanese Q melts in a gooey sticky mess. Data gets a good meal out of it
though)
Data: <Urp>
Picard: What about you Mr. Bush?
Bush: I *SWEAR* I will *NOT* raise taxes. I know that I've lied
before and I know that I am a wimp and everything and I know I have no decision
making skills which is why I picked Quayle, better known to you...as Wesley.
(Quayle/Wesley appears!)
Qu/We: Oh no!! You've given away our secret!!
Riker: SO *THAT'S* why they're never seen in the same place! Picard: I knew
Quayle was young but...
Troi: He's HIDING SOMETHING!!!
All but Worf & The Shoe: SHUT UP!!!!!!
Worf: <Grunt>
Qu/We: No..she's right....I'm hiding a weapon!
(Qu/We pulls out a gun!)
Qu/We: Now vote for Bush- or the SHOE GETS IT!
All But Worf And The Shoe: <Gasp>
Bush: Hahaha! It's just a friendly joke! Danny boy likes to play..now go have
fun and kill a few trees or something! BYE! (Qu/We implodes)
Riker: That's your whole platform?
Bush: Oh yeah and one more thing- (points at Clinton) HE'S A HORRIBLE HORRIBLE
MAN WHO IS NOT VERY NICE!!!!
All But Worf And The Shoe: <GASP>!!
Bush: Thank you.
(Bush sits down. Clinton gets up)
Clinton: Thank you, I'm very happy to be here today, it's no coincidence that
today is of course, the birthday of every member of my family.
All But Worf And The Shoe: AWWWWW!!
Clinton: Yes, Hillary, Chelsea, my dog Abe, Hank the Janitor and many others
were all born today. It's also my wedding anniversary. Kinda touching really.
It's also another important anniversary for me... this is 250 years to the day
that I stomped all over the flag in Russia just because I knew George here
needed ammo.
Picard: And what a grand gesture that was indeed!
Riker: What about your platform? Your ideas?
Clinton: I think that if we raise taxes to an AMAZING point on all the rich,
you know the people with an income of over say..$5000 a year we can have enough
money to fund my new list of projects. (Rolls out a large list.. so large it
takes up the whole room) Clinton: Thank you.
All: <wild sustained claps>
Perot: What now?
(A big Q appears again)
A big Q: This is where it gets good..RIB Executive, explain.. (The RIB
Executive appears)
RIB Exec: I'm sorry Robert couldn't be here himself, but he swore off cameos
last parody, and besides he's in meditation..odd he took so many contraceptives
...but anyhow.. that's not the point..the point is that we at RIB Productions
feel unqualified to judge the outcome of this erection, election..whatever- we
could easily make Clinton the Q and watch him roam the galaxy in joy, but the
American People have already made that choice. We feel the PARODY PEOPLE are
different. Since this is not a democracy, we'd like to invite you to join the
latest,(and first), RIB Productions
Production: Laugh At The Ass..es '92... you had to pick one to lead the
country, now pick one to become a Q! Mail Robert and he will count the votes,
the booth will close on November 31st 1992, at which point all votes will be
counted and the winner will be decided by popular votes, and announced inside a
future parody. Please vote. Because if you don't, we're gonna have to pick
ourselves, and besides, we're all liberals. Haha.
YOU MAKE THE CALL!
Picard: Great speech! Better then ANY Of the candidates! Let's vote for YOU!
Screw em!
RIB Exec: Do you really think I have a chance?
A big Q: Sorry closed race.
Q: What happens to the shoe?
Picard: It's gone!?
-=-
SCENE XIII
(We see the shoe floating in open space, it turns to the camera) A Shoe: AGH
those guys are looneys! Who needs or WANTS to be a Q?! I'm going to become a
professional bowler. At least there I know I can gain as much weight as I want!
Bye!
-=-
Announcer: And so all was happy. Well not really. America has quite a decision
to make. Mostly because WE'RE too lazy to make it. So join us now in
LAUGH AT THE ASS....ES '92
Mail ROBERT BRAYER or get someone to do it for you!
YOUR LIFE IS ON THE LINE!!
-=-
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