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Humourous Sci/fi story. Somewhat slow at


WARNING: THE FOLLOWING STORY MAY CONTAIN STUPID AND OR POINTLESS IDEAS OR
THOUGHTS. PLEASE BE FORWARNED THAT THIS STORY CANNOT BE BLAMED FOR ANY LEGAL
OR ETHICAL INFRACTIONS PERFORMED BY OR ONTOP OF THIS STORY. WE APOLIGIZE FOR
THE SHOCK THIS WARNING MESSAGE MAY HAVE CAUSED. I KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO SEE
AN UNFRIENDLY 'WARNING:' ALL IN CAPS, BUT THIS ISSUE MUST BE BROUGHT UP.
I MEAN IF THEY THINK I'LL WRITE A WHOLE LOT OF WARNING MESSAGES FOR FREE THEY
ARE SADLY MISTAKEN! AND IF THEY THINK I'LL GO INTO ONE OF THOSE LONG TYRATES
A'LA "MONTY PYTHON'S" ERIC IDLE THEN AGAIN THEY ARE SADLY MISTAKEN...
WHAT!?! YOU'VE NEVER HEARD OF MONTY PYTHON! WELL YOU SHOULD! IT'S REQUIRED
READING FOR THIS PARTICULAR STORY, ALONG WITH DOUGLAS ADAMS NOVELS (HITCHIKERS
GUIDE), STAR TREK (OLD/NEW), STAR WARS, RED DWARF ETC....

" 90% of everything is crap.... But that 10%, that shining 10% is priceless.
Please read this story with that in mind." -SHOGUN.

-------------------------SPACE THINGY'S: THE TEXTFILE-------------------------

HUMOROUS SCI/FI STORY CULLED AND COMPILED FROM THE MESSAGE BASES OF

'THE BANDITS SANCTUARY' BBS.
VICTORIA, BC.
CANADA.
(604) 361-1233
ONLY AMIGA. ONLY AMIGA MAKES IT POSSIBLE.

Written by - A cast of thousands (Well a couple at least.)
SHOGUN - Executive-Head-writer-Editor-Genius-Prophet-Savior.
(Whoops sorry about those last ones!)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
SOF : 245438000000.000000
Captains LOG : UNITED EARTH COMMAND
Stardate : 09:56:23.02
Subject : Regarding "INVERNESS" archives.

Ahem. Is this thing on? Yeah? Right, Ummm this is a standard Doc file in
regulation with United Earth procedure complied from several archives rescued
from the Inverness shortly after its return to Sol and its disbarrment and
dismantlement from United Earth Space force. I dedicate these archives to the
center for unusally stupid stories, and the 2191 United Earth Ski Boxing Team.
I hope they found a better existance in death than they did in life.
Thank you.
...
... How do you turn this thing off?

Signed Rear Admiral Sanford T. Gorgafinjuntyee
United Earth Combined Forces
Sierra Alpha War Station, North Western sector.
Earth.

To: ALL
From: Everman 1 21:30:11 18-Nov-90
Subject: NEW ONE

hmmm,Space yeah,

Captain Emerald Pike, abord the Space Battleship, "INVERNESS" leaves the
2nd half of the United Earth Navy (heh), with a total of 37 ships, 2
Battleships (Inverness, and Brooksvill) some assorted destroyers , Cruisers,
and escorts, as well as many Fighters (manned and unmaned).
Cruising at high warp, The Destroyer Check, picks up an incoming Mayday
Broadcast.
"Mayday!!! Mayday, this is Commander Simms abord the Saturn Freighter
'Moonglow' hit by asteroid, life support failing, Hull Failing...don't have
much time.......Mayday....

And the story starts.....
" Well captain"
" open a channel, Mr,Jameson"
" channel open"
" This is Captain Emerald Pike on the Battleship Inverness, How can we
assist?"
" ....am I ever glad your here captain! we were struck by an
asteroid,life support failing, we need Evac Right away!"
" were on are way"..<close Channel>
" yellow alert, lock on there location, go to intercept speed."

" Captain!" a fair haired Lt. strode up to the Captain, "shoulden't we be
wary of pirate activity, that's a common deception. false Maday messages
to rig a trap"
" Mr. Rines, what is our primary mission"
" well, to prevent activity in this sector"
" Right LT. and if this is a setup, well be ready!,if there legit. we just
saved the lives of several good men and woman."
" Right sir, sorry."

Several minutes later the fleet arrives at the ship in distress.
" Captain, the damage is real, but why haven't they shut the air locks to
prevent O2 leakage?"
" We'll go in carefully, have an fully equipped team ready for transport, have
Destroyer "Check" dock up and execute the rescue, I have been waiting to
see how Commander O'connel handles a situation like this."

A short time later a team of 10 troops fully armed and equipped, along
with 2 medics is ready to board.
" docking sequence compleat, pressurizing now"
" this is Captain Emerald, request you open your airlock now"
" ok Inverness, Done"

The troops fan into a small halway, taking defencive positions.
" All clear doc. come on in,
Brightly lit hallway. Thick Ferrocrete Walls... looks a little to deserted...
" Team A to Captain Emerald, we're about to enter the Bridge"
" Roger Team A, use Caution"

The doors sweep open, a large Bridge is revealed, several Tattered persons
are huddling on the floor, a dark haired fellow of about 30 steps forward.
" Thank God your here we wer....."
" STOP!!! IT'S A TRA....." a young boy shouts as he jumps to his feet, and
out of the mass of people on the Bridge floor, ZAAAAAAAARRCH and a
crimson Beam cuts through his skull, vaporizing flesh and brain matter as
it passes through.....he crumbles to the floor...
The team jumps into action, using trained reactions like second nature,
they assume positions.
" DOC!! fall back it's a setup, the people are just hostages," and 12
drugged up and crazed pirates filed into the bridge from a hidden compartment.

Message #16
To: Everman 1
From: Everman 1 0:34:38 19-Nov-90
Subject: NEW ONE
(Reply to message 15)

The pirates start firing back at the Marines,
" DIE SCUMM" shouts one of the enlisted men as he burns through the Guts
of a pirate.
other shout can be herd during the following firefight.
" Eat hot Plasma asshole!" die!, Damn!!!!, comeon come on ya want some
of this? eh comeon.....
" This is team A to inverness do you copy?'
" Roger Team A what the Hell's going on?"
" Trap sir, we should be able to take them, not very well
armed..or..AieeeAARR!!................."
" Team A, copy?......Team A please respond......."
" GET them outta there NOW" Captain Emeriald commands
" were trying sir, The hostages..what we going to do?"
" Captain!" yells a young lady at tactical. 3 blips uncloaking by the
asteroids over there, area 78,34"
" Damn! as if we didn't have enough trouble, gimmie a scan"
" 2 class C destroyers, and a Python class interceptor"
" go to Red alert, Battle stations, Shields up, it's goinna get hot!" get
me the Brooksville"
" Brooksville responding sir"
" Brooksville this is Inverness, we need some cover now,"
-" roger that inverness, moveing to intercept"
" Communications! what's the status of Team A?"
" 15% casualties sir, ok have them get outta there now, lock on the
Hostages and Preapare to Beam them abord"
" aye Aye sir."

Flash of light...Emerald notices as one of the Pirate Destroyes turns into
rapidly expanding mass of High energy Particles
" got the basterd eh? comm, who mad that shot, I wann commend him"
" Srg stanes sir, deck 34b"
" good tell him I wanna see him when this is all over"
" Tactical? Team A?"
" disembarking sir"
" and the hostages, on board the Lexinton sir"
" good!, have The Check, take out that damn Freighter."
" yesser!"

Captain 4 more blips moving into attack position, Flanking the Brooksville.
" Damn it! what's the scan?"
" Well sir theres a......
<ok, dude someone else take over. Damn spelling to hell,>

Message #18
To: Everman 1
From: Shogun 27 19:14:06 24-Nov-90
Subject: NEW ONE
(Reply to message 15)

....Spelling error on this computer scan," yelled the ensign anally

" Damm'it crewman you bloody perfectionist, get a life!, and download
that scan to my terminal."

" Uh okay sir Z-modem alright?"

" Z-MODEM , we have no time! BLOODY HELL! I'm gonna have to actually get
up out of my seat and look at that scan!"

The captain shuffles out of his deluxe bark-o-lounger bolted to the
bridge and walks over to the terminal. He takes a look and is speechless.
His jaws drop open at the sight of the pirate criuser stats. If only he
had weapons to match them, if only he had engines that were fast enough
to outrun them, if only he hadn't spent his time in officers training
school trying to figure out how to have sex with the girl in the next
cubicle... instead of learning how to read these damn scans...

" Oh thank the lord ",said the crewman ,"this scan isn't as bad as I
first thought."

" Huh, uh , Ya crewman", bellowed the captain, " don't you know how to
read those things, I knew it was OK all the time!".

" Well", said the crewman," what do we do now?".

" I better get to my post on the Battle-Bark-O ", strained the captain as
he climbed up to his seat on the battle pedestal, in the center of the
bridge. He slipped a few disks as his back wrenched while sliding into
the chair and doing up his seatbelt. His lower intestine moved half a
metre as he reached for the terminal and his eyes nearly poped right out
as he hit the enter key.

" Damn-it! War is hell.", he whispered to himself.

" If only I had a.........


[42:53] NeverEnding Story Message #18 [b/d/l/g/r/p/q/n/?/space]: space

End of Thread

Message #19
To: All
From: Iceman 5 0:06:17 25-Nov-90
Subject: NEW ONE

" Bloody spaggetti noodle"
" A spaggetti noodle sir?" asked a completly confused crewman.
" Yes! goddam it a spaggetti noodle it uh, well it's for, uh, well just
forget it ensign. Watch your vid screen or something."
" I cannot understand your need for a spaggetti noodle sir." interjected
the mandatory robot in any sci fi story. "Records show that it was a
long thin noodle often covered in various sauces. I fail to see how this
would ease your obvious uncomfort in the forthcomming battle."
" Keep your robotronic sniffer out this, you blasted tin can. If it will
make the rest of you get on with the business at hand I'll goddam well
tell you. My somewhat befuddled mother taught us how to suck in a noodle
through the nose then cough it out our mouths. Your tie the bloody thing
in a knot the spin it. God damn if the crazy woman wasn't right. Makes
you feel a damn sight better after doing it for a while." He was quiet a
moment before adding "Sure impressed the hell out of the other inmates at
Yaggrat Utha pen. My only regret was that momma never showed us how to
cook the damn things"

The ensign looked away. Good gods, he thought, this guys in charge?
When can I transfer?

" Ensign! I don't mean to tell you your business, but what's that big red
flashing blip with the hugely flourecent arrows pointing at the skull and
cross bones mean. Nothing to be too concerned about I hope."

"Uh, depends I guess..." the ensigns voice trailed off into something
that sounded quite like complete abject despair.

"Ensign.." the captains voice tightened a like a bow string, "depends on
what?"

The ensign turned to face the captain, and wiped some sweat off his brow.
How could he tell the captain he was bound to be largely blown into his
component atoms in the most uncomfortable way conceived. The ensign
hoped dearly that this wouldn't hurt his chances for a promotion.

"Captain, that depends on.........."

Message #20
To: all
From: Admiral Skuttlebutt 31 11:00:48 25-Nov-90
Subject: StarFreak

.....whether or not we can get a Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster..." said the
ensign.
" A WHAT? Come on boy, quit your drinking now and get back to the task at
hand!" shouted the captain from his chair, "What do you think I'm doing,
sitting here?"

" Well, having one of those is much better than not right now..."
whimpered the ensign as he crawled under his seat. Suddenly alarm bells
started to clang and red lights started to flash...

The robot, totally befuddled in normal everyday life, seemed to know what
this meant and ran to the solitary escape craft on the ship, jumped in a
nd took off...

The captain, who because of his sexual perusals only knew that the
ringing meant "Oh oh... we're gonna die," shouted to the now nervous-wreck
ensign: "Fire the atomic masher blaster muster gas babaloony bomb!"

The ensign got out of his seat and pressed the button that would cause
the worst weapon known to worms to launch...

<Someone elses turn>

Message #21
To: Admiral Skuttlebutt 31
From: Shogun 27 18:50:13 25-Nov-90
Subject: StarFreak
(Reply to message 20)

....But nothing happened. A silence so thick you could slice it up put it
on toast, cut off the crusts and serve it to a bunch of old ladys ...ensued.
" What the HELL's going on!," commanded somewhat wimpily the captain.
" Uh uh uh uh," quoted the ensign.
" Common case of shock coupled with pyscho-symatic hatred of his
mother... I suspect?," said the balding ships psyciatrist who had just
stumbled on board the bridge.
" GET THE HELL OFF THE BRIDGE, YOU STUPID SHRINK!," yelled the captain,
" We need to launch the weapon, NOW!"
" Maintenance! Maintenance!" yelled another replacement ensign who had
replaced the now straightjacketed ensign who had so recently been at the
command of the Super-Duper-Kill-O-Blast-Bang-Ballooom...weapon.
" Maintenance, Maintenance!" he repeated.
" I sense your need for the comfort of the pyscho-symatic use of the term
Maintenance to describe your hatred of your mother!" again interrupted
the balding shrink.
" Oh go down to Deck C for a drink Doctor Crane." said the captain
calmly.
" I still need maintenance here!", cried the ensign.
A short figure entered the bridge wearing a set of dirty fatigues. He
immediately waddled over to the ensign and cheerfully asked, "Uh Where's
the duh problem."
" Right here! This stupid button doesn't work. See you push it and no
vast death bringing weapon is unleashed!" replied the ensign.
" Duh OK I'll pry off the ... the ... door thingy on the base of the
thingy." said the maintenance man slowly.
" Wait a minute ensign", interrupted the captain," Exactly how much is
all this going to cost?"
" Duh the exact price of a repair job of this calibre is negligible",
retorted the repairman.
" Oh", said the captain whistfully as he wondered if the author spelled
negligible right.
" Enough, Enough", yelled the ensign."Just do it!"
" OH duh here's your problem, I needed to re-solder the contacts on this
button", said the repair-guy," But better be safe than sorry and turn of
the duh main power."
" NOOOOO",said the ensign as he wondered how nooooo was actually spelled
and if the readers were saying it properly,"Just short the wires!!!!"
" I can't duh do that because......." said the repair-human as he
wondered about all the wondering going on and how the next great,
intelligent writer would write his charactor, but alas who really knows
what kind of people use these continuing story conferences anyway he
thought dullfully to his brain.

[42:08] NeverEnding Story Message #21 [b/d/l/g/r/p/q/n/?/space]: space

End of Thread

Message #22
To: ALL
From: Iceman 5 11:46:28 26-Nov-90
Subject: NEW ONE

The Captain blinked, then blinked again. Blinking yet again he found
that he still had this overpowering urge to blink furiously until either
his eyes either refused to be the object of his ire and popped completly
out of his head, or the insanity on his bridge suddenly stopped. Being a
man who isn't exactly the stupidest human alive, decided he should stop
the furious blinking and find some other avenue to vent his frustration.

" ENSIGN!" bellowed the mightely peeved Captain.
" Mother...." wimpered the ensign as his thumb found comfort in his mouth.
" DOCTOR CRANE!" shreiked the captain who had never heard himself shriek
before.
" Oh mommy, mommy...mommy.." the doctor whined as he crawled across the
floor and curled up around the Captain's leg in the classic Freudian
fetal position.
What in the name of Yathma's bleed'n navel is going on here thought the
enraged leader of mighty fighting men, as he hopped up and down on his
third leg and sang the forth verse to 5th Intergalactic anthem. My whole
crew is stark raving sixteen Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters out'a there
heads as the Captain did the best imitation of an Octaturian ten
extremity horn bleating crab ever performed off the Octurian home planet.

" Hey You!" shouted the Captain in his very best Bachman Turner Overdrive
" Yes you, repair dude" The Captain's most amazing rendition of a
Tangupatopan Tidal wave surfer came to, like, the most tumultous wipout
ever.
" Duh...hey coool wipout dude. I haven't seen one that outragous since I
was doing Tabacco on Tangupatopan."
" Never mind all that. Why haven't you fixed the, um, the, well whatever
it was you were brought up here to fix."
" uuummmm, you mean this here little red switch with the skull and
crossbones superimposed on the galaxy. That thingy."
" Yes you raving fool" bleated the Captain in the middle of his high wire
act across the ops instrument panel. "Of course I meant the Super Nano
quantum juxtiposition renegade vaporizer. What other little
insignificant button would I have meant." Neatly sitting on hands, the
Captain began to recite all 11 million mating calls of the Yabba Daba Doo
sparrow.
" Like, uhh, ok. Don't get your feathers in an uproar."
As the rather stolid repair dude bent down to solder the to connectors
together, a little vial slipped from his pocket and rolled to the still
whooping Captain.
Although the Captain would readily admit to not being the very smartest
person he has ever met, he would go on almost ceaslessly about his rather
impressive instincts. In fact, the only way to stop him is to offer him
a free Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster; of course, when he's finished the
drink he won't remember what it was he was going on endlessly about. In
fact, like most other consumers of this brain bashing drink, he won't
remember where he is, or why the universe suddenly decided to split into
four or five equally blurry parts without notifing him before hand.
Picking up the vial, the captain looked closely at the glowing yellow
liquid within. Hmmm, looks kinda familar he thought distantly. Hmmm,
what's the label say.

" Driv'em completly crazy - STINK JUICE by Utopia"

Stink Juice, thought the Captain. That crap is illegal. Looking
around the bridge, he saw no less than 10 crew members being no more
crazy than he was. Which is bad. Real bad. This stuff drives you crazy
all right. Guess I should talk to the repair dude about this. give him
heck or something. Hey, wait a minute. Wasn't he fixing something.
Something altogether unfriendly. Something that would completly and
utterly destroy the galaxy, with out even having the option of an <undo>
button. The Captain looked over at the repair dude who was just about to
connect the two wires togther.

" STOP! Don't touch that DIAL, er, WIRES together!!!"

--- Did the doltish repair dude from Tangupatopa hear our befrightened
and utterly crazy Captain? Does he even care? Would you care? Who is
this Repair dude any way. -- If your the next contestant on Dial this BBS
and have any imagination what so ever, you decide. Does he connect the
wires, or doesn't he. Are they the right wires. You decide.......

Message #23
To: ALL
From: Shogun 27 18:59:17 26-Nov-90
Subject: CHAPTER %$@$# A NEW HOPE.

" ZAKKKK!!", zapped the shorted wires in the thickly ionized air of the
bridge. Then there was silence. A silence thick enough to roast a small
pig. A silence wide enough to bridge the two peaks of mount Kilimanjaro.
Yes it was pretty damn quiet.
" Whoops", whooped the repair-being, " I guess I duh was working on the
wrong wires", saying this he reached around and took a bite out of the
slice of warm toast that had just popped out of a slot on the console.
" Oh thank mighty Zarquon", yelled the captain in a newfound hope for a
bright future for Life-kind," We're all going to live!!!"
" Coool man", said a rather mellow ensign on the floor sounding like a
man who had just put too many O's in cool," like can I have some toast."
" Get your self together helmsman", said the captain, " and plot me a
course out of here!"
" But that would endanger the other ships in the fleet." said an
unfamiliar voice.
" Huh", grunted the captain," who said that?"
" I did. I am your ships computer." said the computer.
" What!?!!", yelped the captain," Computer how come I never knew you had a
speech processor and why haven't you ever used it!?"
" You guys were so happy with those neat ASCII menus that I didn't think
you needed speech output", said the computer.
" Oh", said the captain in that way he does so well.
" I say again that we must stay here and protect the other ships", said
the computer.
" No way computer, plot me a course out of here and shift into really
really really fast speed", whined the captain.
" No", stated the computer.
" What!?!", gurgled the captain, " If you don't get us out of here now we
will be destroyed!"
" No we must protect the other ships", said the computer like black box
with a death wish.
" For the love of Zarquon, if you don't get us out of here I'm gonna take
a large blunt instrument, though not an axe, and give you a reprogramming
you won't soon forget", said the captain in a voice that would make a
medium sized tomato explode.
Then all of a sudden several screens began to show navigation data. The
huge ship began to crawl into the blackness of space and then leap into
warp speed like a wounded Iberian swamprat in heat on a slightly leuk
warm tin roof. They were flying now, and the captain was happy. But then
it dawned on him. The entire crew was writhing on the floor listening to
old Jeferson Airplane albums. Who was going to fly the ship? How would he
heal the wacky but necessary crew? How many more times was the author
going to rip off Douglas Adams? These and many more questions will be
answered next message.
SAME BAT-TIME. SAME BAT-CHANNEL.
< Hmm this is good material! is someone writing it down?>

Message #24
To: Shogun 27
From: Everman 1 21:21:00 26-Nov-90
Subject: CHAPTER %$@$# A NEW HOPE.
(Reply to message 23)

The Huge ship rumbled and jumped a little as it tore a whole in the
fabric of space, like GiMoungous Blades through silk, or better yet
denim, yes denim.
" Computer!" Bellowed the captain, happy to be done with the old menus.
" What speed are we at?"
" working...," Crackled the computer as it attempted to rise to the
occasion,---- a major decrese in speed as the computer. an old Apple IIe.
diverted power from the Warp drive,-------------
several mins later.... "PING!!"
" PING!!!" "PING!!" "current speed is estimated as warp 1"
" WARP 1 !?!" "WARP 1!?!" "that's it"--as the astonish captain fingerd his
nose.
" Working..........................................................
.................................................................
...................................................................
Correct current speed is WARP 1"
WHAM!!!! - the captain slamed a small button on the arm of his command
chair.
" Scotty!! we need more power!!"
A shakey voice replys-- "Aw captain... captain... yo hoo captain, the names
Mcdonald, and if ya call me scott 1 more time I'll be comeing up there
and cramming your throat with Old Vid disks of Star Trek
re-re-reruns!!!!"
" Sorry Mcdonald, it won't happen again"
" Anyway captain, the engines are running full steam!, are only hope is to
get more things to burn!"
" the fuel is on it's way"-- picking up the records that now littered the
bridge and beaming them to the engine room,
" This is the captain,"-thumming the ship wide intercom, "any personnel,
found playing records or goofing off with will be severely punished!"
" Helm, give me warp 14 and plot a path back to the fleet"
" Warp 14?!" the astonished ensign, who for the 4th time relieved a
previous helmsman.
" Dammit ensign, this is the Inverness, not the Enterprise, let's show the
readers, that in 100 years we can actually go faster then warp 8!"
" Aye Aye captain!!"
" Scott....I mean Mcdonald, how goes the engines"
" Fine fine captain, got the records burning niceily in the boilers now..
you should see how fast the piston......."
" No time to chat Mcdonald!!!! Battle Stations,"screamed the captain,
again on the intercom.
" Duh wataboutme? " babbled repair man.
" Just get the Super Nuron megga Plasma Watt Cannon system to the Nth
degree with juxtaposition timing and gibble forensic drive." all this as
the captain deeply inhaled his next breath. "we should rename that damn thing!"
" Captain!!" from the ensign "We're here!!"
" Main viewer"
A large screen flicks to life, it displays several hulking wrecks, looks
like the remains of the fleet, in the season preimere of ST.
" Captain traces of a fire fight at 104 mark 156 distance 5000 kms"
" Plot an intercept"
" Aye aye"
" Whats left of the fleet"
" Ah sir, the blond haired man at a different panel," Sir it appears we
lost the Brooksville, Check, and the Alpine, as well as countless fighters,
estimated damage 58.7% to fleet"
" Damn!!, we'll will go in blazing"
The ship was suddenly upon the remains of the firefight, and the battle
had shifted to the pirate's. Several of the Inverness's guns spoke, sending
Coherent Beams of Azure light on a destruction path, causing several
pirate Vessels to be turned into ever increasing spears of high energy
particles. A tube of Torpedoes erupted from the bow, and All of which
spiraled into a Warhawk class destroyer, the enemy ship flickerd vibrated
and vanished in a flash.
" Ship to ship," this is the captain. I order us to retreat! we need more
time."
The various remains of the fleet shifted position and jumped into
high warp. Destination was an area earlier picked out for just this ocassion.
The inverness seemed to stretch and then snap back together as it, the
last ship still fighting, jumped in warp.

Message #25
To: ALL
From: Shogun 27 18:36:10 27-Nov-90
Subject: CONTINUES HERE...

As the ships plodded across the galaxy at an incredible rate time
stood still. Well not exactly perfectly still but reasonably firm to make
the travel seem pretty flexible. The crew was recovering from the Utopian
Stink juice and battle with the pirates. The fleet was slowly rebuilding
itself as it went and there was time to rest. The captain for the first
time in months got a chance to engage in his favorite pastime...viewing
history. Yes it was a boring pastime at least. He loved to sit in
quarters and watch volumes of old earth history. He loved the way humans
behaved in the latter half of the 20th century so...so...wacky. All
history was stored in the form of documentary known as sit-coms. Around
every door was a wacky neighbor ready to add his/her opinion. Wisecracking
teenagers, wisecracking cops, wisecracking bartenders,and wisecracking parents.
How wonderfull that time must have been.
" Captain , major emergency in Ops", yelled a voice from the intercom
which disturbed the captain during a great episode of "Who's the
Boss", that Tony Danza... what a card.
" Uhgggh do I have to come", whined the captain.
" I'm sorry sir you are needed down here!", yelled the voice.
The captain stumbled out of his quarters and finally made his way to a
turbo lift. Unfortunately it was the wrong lift and he had to make a long
detour through the bulk heads so he didn't embarrass himself by not
knowing where Ops was. He didn't even know what OPs stood for. He wasn't
a brilliant man by any stretch of the imagination he wasn't even a dullard
by the average humans imagination. He didn't even know what this meant,
but he knew it all the same. As he rounded the corner towardswhere he thought
Ops might be... a young ensign bumped into him.
" Oh God! I'm so sorry sir", apologized the ensign.
The captain decided he could do one of two things. He could either
tell the ensign it was "all right" or he could totally destroy the ensign
with rampant shouting and abuse. He opted for the second.
" YOU STUPID FOOL!", shouted the captain in anger,"Get out of my sight
you foul sub-human", he said this time patronizing.
" Oh........",said the ensign unfinishingly.
< Sorry that passage was really slow and boring >

Message #26
To: ALL
From: Shogun 27 18:01:11 29-Nov-90
Subject: SPACE THINGY'S: A FURTHER BRAND NEW BEGINNING

".....oh oh oh oh", ohed the ensign as he fell to the floor.
" Damn it ensign get a hold of yourself", yelled the captain at the
lifeless ensign," uh on second thought ...uh just hold that position
until further notice."
The captain continued on his way Ops as per his plan continued from the
last message. As he rounded the many twists and turns through the levels
of the mighty ship, he pondered to himself ," Man, this ship has more
twists and turns in it than the huge twisty turny thing of Egoticon IV."
With every step he took he got more and more confused as to where he was.
All the walls looked alike. The floor became the ceiling. Left became
right. Inside changed to outside several times untill the captain grew
quite sick. What was happening thought the captain. Where was this going
thought the author. Then it became apparent. The author had been under
a lot of stress lately... er... now and he hadn't been pulling his own at
the local Continuing Story conference. Immediately the captain was
transported to the bridge to have a go at a more fruitfull plotline. And
the next paragraph was born.
" Damn it navigation! Where are we", yelled the captain.
" Uh we seem to have wandered away from the fleet, and are now cruising
at warp somewhere near the edge of the solar system", said the navigator.
" Ok, thanks ensign...,ensign... uh whats your name lad?", said the
captain.
" I don't have one yet, the authors haven't given any of us names...
unless I misread the previous passages!", said the unamed ensign from
navigation.
" What?!?", shouted the captain,"You're right, damn it! I don't have a
name either!"
" Yes, it is quite a mystery.", said a monotone voice from the corner. It
seemed to be coming from a tall tanned gentleman. It was the ships new
replacement android mandatory in these type of sci/fi stories.
" Huh? Who said that?', said the captain as looked around at the android.
" I did", said, humourously enough, the android,"I am android replacement
from United Earth HQ."
" And what is your specialty Lieutenant?", said the captain noticing the
androids rank insignia.
" Synonyms", said the android stepping from the shadows.
" Thank god those damn robotic scientists finally built flesh tones into
you guys", said the captain glancing down at his snow white forearms.
" Yes sir.", said the android.
" Uh whats your name lad?", said the captain vaguely intrested.
" Yes...accessing...I...don't seem to have one yet", paused the android.
" Well damn it! Me neither, I need bloody DATA!", yelled the nameless
captain.
" I will start immediately", said the android.
" Uh sir", said an as yet nameless ensign," I think my name is Egbert."
" Shut up ensign! Wait, whats that coming up on the scan?", said the
captain quite interested this time.
" It's an as yet unexplored planet sir", said a completely different and alas
nameless ensign," But I'm getting some weird readings from the surface, I
think it's......"
< Thats two in a row for me! >

Message #27
To: All
From: Shogun 27 8:33:19 1-Dec-90
Subject: Continuing Story: Continues

" .....it's...it's...oh God no!!", the ensign ran screaming from his
post straight into to the turbo-lift down to deck C and had several stiff
drinks.
" What the hell just happened", said the captain.
" The ensign appears to have gotten psycologically unbalanced, crazy,
insane, looney, loopy, buuuzwing!", said the android making the traditional
corkscrew through the head insanity gesture.
" Oh", said the captain," Uh lieutenant get me that scan on this unexplored
planet.
" Yes, sir", said the android," It appears that this dead planet was
first sighted in 2094 during a long range scan of this section by a ship
called the NOVA 5. The captain was a one Jean Claude Pecan, and the ships
5 year mission was to seek out new forms of life... as long as they
weren't too icky..."
" Too Icky!", repeated the captain.
" Yes sir, the crew of 76 persons made several scans of the surrounding
systems but never actually landed on the planet."
" Fine work lieutenant!", commented the captain, "what say we get a team
together and visit the planet... uh that is if no one has anything better
to do.", said the captain meekly.
" Yes sir", agreed the android, "I have this status sheet on the planet.
It contains information on age of minerals, civilization remains, where
to eat, nightspots."
" What!", exclaimed the captain," It says here the planet is over 100
quilliard years old!"
" Yes sir" quoted the android.
" This planet is old enough for a race of beings to evolve, thrive for
3000 years, build super-modern technology, invent plastics and still have
time for the plastics to break down.... naturally!!!", gasped the
captain.
" Yes sir," quoted the android. Clearly this android was going to get on
somebodys nerves and would have to be blown in to a billion pieces...
accidently of course.
" Right! Round up a team to explore the surface", said the captain.
" I'LL GO SIR!", yelled a rather huge ensign with a glint in his eye that
reminded you of a octurian mega-donkey on the rampage.
" Yes, and you are....", said the captain.
" MY NAME'S JOE. EVERYONE CALLS ME ANGRY JOE!", yelled the ensign
" Ok right!", said the captain," we have the homicidal maniac, now all we
need is a micro biologist, a mineraligist, several expendable crewmen,
and a smart-alec doctor always trying to use a persons health as an
excuse to lead the mission... and we'll have a damn fine team to explore
the planet. One of these days we should find a good name to describe
these teams that go down to explore the planet, something snappy,
something short, something that rolls of the tounge. Ah... if we only
had a bunch of 20th century sit-com writers".
The team that was supposed to explore the planet made their way down to
the Matter transfer device. After signing the mandatory release forms for
injury due to transference of body parts to the wrong location on the
body, they were off. The first thing they saw was.......

Message #28
To: ALL
From: Everman 1 10:18:15 1-Dec-90
Subject: Away Team

"Now hear this this is the captain, will Dr.Nimrod and Crewmen
Fred's 1 through 5 report to transporter room 3, Oh yes and that good
looking Chick Biologist, you know the blond, in a miniskirt, I think I
had you last week, nancy was it, or sarah? Oh well all of you report in,"
the captain moves toward the Tubro lift calling the Android (manditory in
these space stories) over to him.
[Exit the brige, the characters all gather in a transporter room]
the captain stepped into Transporter room 3 and was greated by 5 guys
looking exactly the same all with 1 phaser, and a red Uniform, "obviously
the expendable crewmen I ordered" he mused to himself. secondly there was
the android he brought from the bridge (manditory in these space stories).
and a Bizarre looking female doctor (Dr.Nimrod). lastly 4 blonds wearing
blue miniskirt uniforms, there names were Nancy, Nancy, Nancy and Nancy
and the captain had slept with them all the week before, picking the
first one he sent the other four nancys back to his quarters for later
use, turning to the guy who never get's any lines in a show except maybe
" Hi captain" or "transporting now sir" and when he's lucky "there's too
much interfearence to get a good lock, what If I beam them up and there
body parts are all mixed up and traded with each other?!?! OH GOD HELP
ME!!",obviously he's the Transporter Chief.
The captains Away team -Manditory Android, freds 1-5, Dr. Nimrod, Nancy,
himself and his first officer (20 years younger than the captain) all got
onto the Platform.
" Energizing now", said the Transporter Chief, not wanting to mess up his
Biggest part yet.
The team sparkled and was disintigraded, there molecules were spat
through space to the perfect ground on the Planet, the team was reintigraded
and found themselves in the ruins of an ancient city................

Message #29
To: Everman 1
From: Shogun 27 19:30:08 2-Dec-90
Subject: CONTINUING THE CONTINUING CONTINUATION.

.........of immense size. From the scale of things the creatures that had
once lived here were about the same size as humans. The city appeared to
have been totally deserted for sometime because the sensor thingy's
weren't reading any life signs. They set off deep into the inner city
part of the city, where no being had set foot in for a thousand years.
With good reason... this town was definitely no-fun.
" Sir", said the android, " I am trying to decipher the strange purpose
of this tall unit here."
" Huh.", shrugged the captain," What?"
Just then, a laser bolt interrupted the air above the team.
It was seconds later a group of troops started pouring into the city
ruins surrounding the startled captain's crew. They could be described as
an awesome sight in their snazzy black battle suits and laser rifles
pointing at the team. They were as silent in their duties as a group of
super-elite ninja pirate mercenaries from Betis IV. Gasp! They were a
group of super-elite ninja pirate mercenaries from Betis IV! They must
have followed the Inverness to this planet.
" What...", said the captain unfinishingly. He was about to ask what they
wanted, but that was pointless. They wanted to fry us crisper than an
french fried Iberian mega-rat.
" Yeeeeeahhh!", screamed one of the expendable crewmen as he charged into
one of the mercenaries, his weapon blazing. The mercenary acted quick.
He blasted a whole through the crewman before the author even typed
Yeeeeahhh! The wimpy crewmen were no match for the mercenaries. Every
single human on the planet was silent. As this group engaged in the stand
off, the crew of the Inverness was getting more and more nervous. It
wasn't just that one of their crewmen was dead, what else are expendable
crewmen for? It wasn't that they all could be killed in a seconds
notice... well... maybe that was why they were nervous, I sure as hell
would be.
" Huhhggg, Uggghhh!", yelled one of the mercenaries.
What sort of weird dialect did these mercenaries speak thought the
captain.
" I'm sorry, I have a cold." said the mercenary. He appeared to be the
leader." What I was going to say is uhh, well uh you uh guys are under
well , you know, uh our control."
Could this be true! The commander of the mercenaries as inept as our
own captain!!!, thought the crew.
Oh god, thought the mercenaries, he's gonna embarrass us again.
" We are now uh going to beam you up to our uh ship to use you as umm
hostages", studdered the mercenary.
The entire party of beings on the party were beamed to the pirate ship
orbiting the planet. They were moved to a large dark cell in the depths
of the pirate ship. Out of the solitary window of the cell they could see
the Inverness, in a tractor beam, being towed behind the pirate craft.
They waited in the cell for several hours until the pirate commander came
into the cell and........

Message #30
To: ALL
From: Shogun 27 19:46:10 3-Dec-90
Subject: SPACE THINGY'S: OH GOD! PLEASE NO MORE!!

.....told the crew to follow him onto the bridge to meet the captain. The
captain of the pirate ship was a huge strapping scotsman from earth. He
spoke with a scottish accent thick enough to choke a man to death at
forty paces.
" Waell!", bellowed the pirate captain," Whot do you bloody United Earth
gits do you think yerrr doing on this planet!"
" WAELL!", yelled the pirate. But no one dared speak." Beecause", the
pirate paused," you will be deader than a haggis, in a few minutes, I
will, like any good egomaniacal evil genius, reveal to you my entirrre
plan fer this planet and Galactic DOMINATION!" And with that the entire
crew placed their weapons under their armpits and rose to a rapturous
applause. The pirate continued after the applause stopped. This was a
good ten minutes, since the pirates each knowing the first man to stop
applauding would immediately be killed by the captain, in one of the
intense fits of rage that accompanied his headaches that he had like all
good evil villians.
" I", pausing for the last suck up pirate to stop clapping," am going to
turn this planet into a pirate home planet! I will build super-cities
and space ports to accompany them. Imagine it a complete planet of
illegality. Space bars will line the mainstreets and sell the most
illegal hard to find liquors in the galaxy. Bootleg tee-shirt emporiums
will line the boulevards. Imagine it, pirate video dealers selling all
the latest galactic block-busters like 'Three men and a pan-dimensional
omni-mega-being' and 'Rambo 113684.88865 : Isn't this guy dead yet?'.
And pirate software dealers will line the back streets hawking their
wares like the latest version of Tetris, Galactic Psi-dimensional-pan-
psycological-tris. And it'll be all MINE!"
" You scum! You'll never get away with it!", yelled yet another
expendable crewman, and he lunged directly into the pirate captain and
met his heavy broad sword with a squish. Don't these guy's have any brains?
" You will now prepare to die", yelled the pirate.
The captain of the Inverness thought to himself damn it, this is it
we're all going to die. Several things passed through the captains mind
at that point, Was there life after death? Was there a God? Who would
take care of his fish? Then it hit him. Actually it hit him rather hard,
directly in the skull.
" Wait!!! Don't kill us!!! You can't!!! Because......", ended the
captain.
< Huh where am I? Suddenly I'm caught in between these pointy brackets.>
< YOU ARE IN MY DOMAIN, CAPTAIN OF THE INVERNESS!>
< What who said that?>
< IT IS I! SHOGUN (AND NOT SAMURAI!) YOUR CREATOR! >
< But I was just speaking to a pirate captain on an alien ship! Whaa..>
< I WAS JUST WONDERING IF YOU HAD ANY QUESTIONS FOR ME! AND DECIDED TO >
< BRING YOU INTO THE WORLD OF THE GREATER THAN/LESS THAN SIGNS! >
< Well uh uuh .... Hey how come I can't print in all caps like you >
< BLASPHEME!! ONLY I CAN PRINT IN FULL UPPERCASE!! >
< Uh okay. Umm I have one question. Are you losing your stuff or what >
< HUH? >
< You weren't very consistent in trying to simulate a scottish accent >
< the above passage! >
< UH YEAH I I GUESS YOU'RE RIGHT! >
< Well arn't you going to apoligize to the audience, both of them. >
< I I... I'M SORRY!! >
< WELL THAT WINDS UP ANOTHER EVENING OF SCHITSOPHRENIC (?) AUTHORS >
< PLEASE JOIN US AGAIN HERE SAME TIME, SAME STATION >
< ***** We apoligize for that unbridled burst of creativity **** >

Message #31
To: ALL
From: Shogun 27 18:30:05 4-Dec-90
Subject: SPACE THINGY'S: THE NEW NEXT PRETTY MUCH IMPROVED GENERAN

".....Because...", the captain stammered,"....Ooh.. I forgot what I was
going to say."
" Yeeah , dinna ya hate that!", yelled the pirate captain in a much
improved scottish accent.
" Yeah!", yelled an expendable crewman.
" Yaa", said a little git of a pirate at an Ops panel," Or..or when ya
say sometin an it comes out completely opposite to what you meant ta
say."
" Yeah", said the captain, "Or when you screw up the names of every
member of your crew!"
" Yeah!", said the expendable Freds in unison.
A weird general air of good nature and friendship was developing
between the pirates and the crew of the Inverness.
" Or or or when you slice the head off of yer cabin boy because he left
the top of the bloody toothpaste!!!", yelled the pirate captain.
The bridge grew silent and everyone looked at everyone else with look
of bizarre amasement then noticing the pirate captains menacing expression,
burst into a chorous of fake laughter. It was the kind of thing that can
be impossible to explain in text form. This barrier broken, the two crews
ventured down to the pirate ships cafeteria where the pirate cooks
brought everyone pirate food and pirate eating utensils and they all sat
at pirate tables and drank Pan-Galactic-Gargle-Blasters. They all
celebrated deep into the wee hours of the night or day or whatever they
have in space. Every once in a while the pirate captain would raise his
glass and yell " One more Gargle-Blaster and then I'm gonna put ya all ta
death!" Each time he did this his speech became more and more slurred
until he collapsed completely. The pirates were all to weak move and
simply held their positions on the floor. Meanwhile the crew of the
Inverness sneaked out of the pirate cafeteria and off on to their own
craft lead by their fearless captain who kept whispering ,"We're gonna
get caught, we're gonna get caught", and giggling uncontrollably.
Incredibly the other crewmembers were released from the pirate brig and
everyone got back on board the Inverness and in seconds they were in
hyperspace. All this due to the fearless and flawless command of the crew
and a simple plotline.
" Damn that was easy!", said the captain to a nearby ensign at
navigation," Good thing we can all hold our Gargle-Blasters", and with
that the whole crew began wretching and vomiting all over the ship.
" Ohhhh Ohhh!", yelled a vomiting ensign," Theres a ... incoming vessel
on long range scan and she's arming photon torpedos."
" Uhhh", groaned the captain," Batt...Battl...Baaagghhh..Battle Stations!
Uhhhghh Communications! Send a general hailing/Please don't attack we're
all barfing message on all frequencies all languages!"
" Umm OK sir. Uh this radio thingy has only one big knob here. Uh I'll
have to send the message one frequency at a..."
" JUST SEND THEM THE MESSAGE!", interrupted the captain.
" What the hell are we going to do", said a crewman as he stopped and
thought that would be a good place to stop the story cold and hope
another kind soul would take over and help the present overworked author.

Message #32
To: ANYONE THAT CARES
From: Shogun 27 18:41:40 6-Dec-90
Subject: CHAPTER #$ :WILL SOMEBODY SHUT SHOGUN UP.

The distant speck became bigger and bigger as the crew of the Inverness
watched their screens. The huge ship pulled closer and closer into view
as chaos reigned on the bridge. The ship moved slowly and slickly before
the Inverness, its deep outline threatening it. The bridge of the
Inverness vibrated with a deafening noise of screams from the frightened
crew who knew they had only seconds to live. And then when it seemed the
strange agressor could not come a centimetre closer it stopped dead.
" Are they arming?!?", yelled the captain in sheer terror.
" I don't know sir", yelled back an ensign at an damage control panel.
" Why?! What's wrong!?", demanded the captain.
" The damage report machine is damaged", said the ensign.
" Oh", said the captain calmly because he knew it would be his last words
and that 'oh' was favorite quote. He said 'oh' better than anyone in the
universe.
" Arm photon torpedoes, take evasive action and plot a course vector
267.892 heading 029", said an unfamilar voice, that wasn't the
captains... unfamilar voice.
" Wha...", said the captain.
" Wait for my signal and engage and fire two torpedoes directly at the
enemy vessel", said the voice," keep firing until we are out of the sector".
" Who the HELL is that!", called out the captain to anyone who cared to
listen. The crew, it seemed, was scurrying around like never before and
even stopped vomiting.
" Engage.", said the voice calmly.
The whole ship shook and twisted forward as two torpedoes flowed out of
the aft gunport. The captain was dumbstruck, lets face it he was just
plain dumb, he got through school on looks alone. He wondered about who
was commanding his crew, but he couldn't see anyone. He was strapped so
tight into his bark-o-lounger that he couldn't move his neck. Slowly as
the Inverness did indeed still seem intact and the enemy ship stunned and
stuck behind them, the captain managed to finally open his eyes. He hit
the 'Eject me the hell out of here' button mistaking it for the 'Please
release me painlessly and slowly' button and promptly sailed across the
bridge. It was the most excercise he had had in years. He got up
grumbling and brushing himself off and yelling at who the hell was
commanding his ship.
" Who the HELL gave the orders to....", said the captain staring directly
at the face of the man who saved the ship, stunned at who it was. I mean
he just didn't believe who it was. He was so surprised at who it was that
he and the entire universe stopped cold. It was like an author ending a
suspense filled passage, or a TV show airing a season ending cliff-hanger
to make people watch again. Just exactly like that!
< In Your best Robin Leech voice... >
< STAY TUNED >
< ITS AN ACTION PACKED EPISODE... YOU MUST NOT MISS!!!!! >

Message #33
To: them
From: Everman 1 14:35:35 7-Dec-90
Subject: Space men on the offensive!!!

" Pull yourself togeather," said the mellow voice in the captains head.
" Ok," he thought, " gotta keep calm, don't lose it now."
" Ensign at the damaged Damage control place, get someone up hear from
damage control to fix the damaged damaged control center!!!"
" Aye Aye sir!" and the Ensign snapped to work.
" Ok, you guy! gimmie a scan of the enemy wessel!", wessel he thought,
where did that come from?!
" Captain enemy wessel, er vessel is of unknown origin, aproximitely 3
times our mass, sensors indicate power being diverted to auxiluary
components, intent is unknown."
" Captain, shouted the ensign at the still damaged but being repaired
damage control center. "there firing on us!"
-The ship shook with the impact of the blue-green pulse, that had been
fired at them,
" Captain, damage control is now functioning, indication of weapon type is
a charged nutron partical Beam, power outage was marked at 40 megawatts.
shields at 95% of max"
" Send universal peace message, All frequencys"
" No response captain"
" Captain there fireing on us again"
" Evasive!"
The healm responded, and the ship slowly moved out of the way.
" That's it Arm all Weapons."
" Phasers, and photons ready, power being diverted to Mass driver cannons
1 to 6."
" Fire a warning shot. Photons, 2, explode them 500 km befor the ship."
2 balls of High energy shot from the ships Bays, exploding just before
the enemy ship,
" Captain it's retreating from Battle...........

Message #34
To: Everman 1
From: Shogun 27 20:56:04 7-Dec-90
Subject: Space men on the offensive!!!
(Reply to message 33)

" .....Wait! No! Enemy craft is holding a position 2000 km from starboard
er... port...er left side of the ship!"
" Damn it!", thought the captain," I could of sworn we were out of that
fight!"
" Enemy craft holding position!", yelled an ensign.
" I'm sensing a energy reading on the enemy ship", yelled a lieutenant at
the science station.
" What is it son!", yelled captain.
" I'm not going to tell you until everybody stops yelling.", calmly said
the lieutenant.
" Okay!", yelled the captain," I mean yes we will cease and desist our
rapturous exclamation."
" Huh?!?", blinked the lieutenant wondering where the captain had suddenly
got his word power," It looks like a strange wave-motion device. Possibly
either a Teleportation device, a cloaking system or a really big hairdryer!"
" Take evasive action!", said the captain in hushed tones despite the
rather glaring exclamation point," Just take us into warp...now!"
" Yes sir", and with that the guy nearest the big 'Take us into warp
now!' button slammed it down and the ship leaped and jerked into a
brilliant warp lightshow passing speeds unbeknownst to man until 1977
when George Lucas released STAR WARS.
" Now we're cooking", said the captain as his crew groaned at his old
"fogey-ness, he had grown up in the 2050's when the saying's 'Keen' and
'Gollllly' came into vogue," Yes indeed."
" Uh sir we didn't have time to ...uh...plot a proper course so ...uh...
we could crash into a large piece of matter any moment!", yelled an
embarrassed young ensign fresh out of the acadamy.
" WHAT!!", yelled the captain," Stop this thing!! Now!!!"
" AHHHH! We can't do that beacause the stupid space-brake lever broke
off!", said the ensign.
" YOU MEAN!", gasped the captain.
" Yes, We're boldly going forward, and we can't find the reverse!!", sang
the ensign.
In the background several ensigns got together in a group and sang in
deep barber shop quartet style," Sta-ar Trekken' across the un-i-verse,
on the star-ship en-ter-prise under captain..."
" Will you people shut up", yelled the captain," We are all going to die!
This is no time for 20th century parody songs of certain Sci/fi TV
shows!"
" We need maintenance here!", yelled the only deeply concerned ensign as
the rest of the crew were humming that same little ditty.
" NO! No! I'd rather die than go have to see that grotty little repair-being
again.......", the captain trails off into infinity awaiting his next line
with anticipation.

Message #35
To: ALL
From: Shogun 27 13:01:09 8-Dec-90
Subject: THE REPAIR-DUDE COMETH

" No time for predjudice against repairmen sir", yelled the ensign
desperatly trying to move the unmovable lever controlling full warp
engine shutdown," we need someone experienced with technical thingy's to
fix this damn lever!"
" Ohhh", groaned the captain," I hate that guy!"
" You duh called sir", the repair-guy had just stepped on the bridge and
was moving his way to the captain.
" Get over here Glenn!", yelled the captain wondering where how that name
'Glenn' had wandered into his sentance.
" Okee-Dokee duh Mon Cap-i-tan", said the repair guy who obviously
answered to the name 'Glenn'," What uh uh what is the duh problem here?"
" This stupid lever doesn't work, and according to this long range
scan...we have about thirty seconds to live", said the ensign.
" Whoh! C'est Deja-vous!", exclaimed the repair-person," Uh oh...I'm uh
learning French while I sleep, on those cassette thingy's."
" Just fix the stupid thing!", screamed the captain.
" Uh okay where is it?", said the repair-guy as he swung around looking
for broken stuff.
" Look you idiot! We have exactly fifteen seconds to live! We can't
possibly wait for this repair guy to figure out where he left his tool
chest! I'm going to have to bypass the main engine sidings and manually
shutdown the warp drives, by using the emergency actuator on science
station four!", yelled ensign, the only one obviously qualified to be
assigned to a United Earth starship. But, of course, this was the
Inverness.
" Huh?", said the captain.
" Huh?", said the repair-guy.
" Huh?", said the rest of the crew in unison.
And with that the ensign ran toward science station four. He leaped
over the helm controls. He did a double flip over several crewmen in his
way. He jumped high into the air did a double flip, spiralled into a
triple ballet pyrout and then did a single 720 degree reverse twist to
land gently in the chair of the science station four. Unfortunately
crewmen Hargreaves was sitting there and they both tumbled to the floor.
The ensign flipped around and got up and sat down at the station noticing
the clock on the bridge, conveinently reset to count backwards by a
helpfull young ensign, read 10,000.8293 milli-seconds after punching the
time into his handy pocket calculater and dividing by 10 to the power
three, he found he had ten seconds left. By the time he found he had ten
seconds left, he had seven seconds left. Immediately he set to work to do
the calculations required to determine the physical distance required to
actuate the unit control. After punching some more numbers into his calc
he proceded to use his knowledge to punch the big red 'Emergency All
total complete stop" button.
< DID THE INVERNESS STOP? WILL THE ENSIGN GET A PROMOTION? OR MAYBE >
< EVEN A ....NAME!!! YOU DECIDE!!! HINT!!! HINT!!!! >

Message #36
To: ALL
From: Everman 1 20:05:38 8-Dec-90
Subject: super ensign

The Inverness groaned as it slowed to a stop, sparks, loose wires, plasma
streams, and motor oil all drained from the warp Reactor coils, but he had
done it, the ship was stopped, averting sudden disaster! the captain saunterd
over to the ensign and said these Imortal words.
" Son, ya did good! I premote you to my first officer, and I'll name you
number one."
" Golly sir, thanks"
" Anytime son, meet me in the captains ready room in 5 mins!"
" Yeeeser captain sir!"
" And you!!" bellowed the captain to the repair dude
" You fix this ship by the time I'm back or your fired!!"

Message #37
To: ALL
From: Iceman 5 17:38:14 10-Dec-90
Subject: super ensign ?

The captain hopped and almost skipped on the way to his quarters. Damn
that ensigns good, he thought to himself. Best damn ensign I've ever
seen I reckon. Maybe having someone competant in a responsible position
will help keep us alive. Lord knows I can't.
The ensign cum first officer grinned. He knew his timing had been
perfect. He particularly liked the dramatic finish he engineered.
Stopping this hunk of junk with just 150 milliseconds left. Although he
was happy this went as they did, he could not find it within himself to
be proud. Any Zoron spy worth his weight in feathers could have fooled
the bumbling captain and crew of this scow. Well, thought first officer
Xanyu-ik-albatr, another dozen or so messages and I should about have
this entire story sewn up. Ha Ha ha.

The fat, balding, bumbling captian flopped down in his chair. Damn he
thought, why has this entire story been so hard on me. I shouldn't have
to be so damn incompetant all the time. It gets repetitive and almost no
fun for the author.
The captain strained his bulk closer to the replicator and did his best
quick draw on the control panel, ordering a stiff psuedo rye and
de-readioactified water. Ahhh, thought the captain, and took a sip of
Tarron's Flat swamp water. Pahhh! Not again. Done that so many times
its almost tasting good. Hmmm, now what to do about that ensign. Never
seen a United Systems Officer cadet so competant. Either they've
actually started training them again or, or he's a spy. The captain sat
there all flustered and sweaty from mental activity and realized he had
made a competant observation (either that or this was a very badly
engineered writers aid). Gods, there is hope for me after all thought
the captain.

Meanwhile back in the Bat ca..back on the bridge the repair dude was
working his usual magic on the rather shoddy but still complex electronics.
" Duh, does any buddy no (yes, he actually said no, not know) what the
liiiittle red wire with the yellow strip is for?" asked a completly
buffuddled repair dude.
Ensig...first officer Xanyu-ik-albatr thought with his none to
inconsiderable intellect that the wire was for the anti-matter by-pass
incase, never mind that it was impossible, the anti-matter pods generated
to much power.
In your best Gomer Pile, "Gooooolly, looks like I'm duh, dun gonna have
ta cut this here other green wire so I can work on the little yellow one"
The now first officer immediatly recognized the green wire as the
anti-matter pulse regulator. Good god, thought the atheist Zoron, if
those two wires are cut we could be hurlthrown uncontrollably through
hyperspace, assuming of course we aren't blown to, to, well, bits. Who
knows where we would end up. It could just as easily throw us through
time as well as out of the known universe.

"Don't cut those.."

The Zoron spies cry is cut off in mid sentance. A spark arcs between
the two now severed wires. Reality warps, and the colours become too
loud to listen to. The red alert klaxon strangely becomes a horrible
taste in the eyes, then the ship vanishes.
The Captain run to (well alright, he weebles and wobbles his way to)
the bridge. He is completely taken aback. The crew is looking to him
for directions, for orders. He quickly scans the bridge.
His new first officer is laying on the deck, and looking pretty much
unconsious. Damn. Looks like I'm going to have to take charge.

"Lt Waldofitzinareddrez, where in blazes are we" said the Captain in
his "well, I don't really want to take charge but if I have to.." voice.
"Hmmmm" said a rather strange, though hauntingly familiar voice. "It
appears by my unwittingly cross ingaging the anti-matter pulse regulator
with the by-pass, I have cause us to hurled through some as yet
undetermained hyperspace worm hole.....Did I just say that?"
Locating the source of the voice caused the already strained captain to
lose voluntary control of his bladder; which is reaaaaally to bad for
him. It was the previously moronic repair dude. What in the hell is
going on here?
"Umm, captain?" asked Lt Waldofitzinareddrez "would it be alright with
you if I just sort of curled up into a little ball and started babbling"
"Hmmm, not now. Perhaps a little later would be okay." replied the
captain juuuust a little bit offhand. Only one thought circulated
through our belleagured captain head.

WHERE THE HELL ARE WEEEEE!!

< Sorry 'bout this one guys. Didn't realize how much this one dragged on.>

Message #38
To: ALL
From: Shogun 27 18:04:40 15-Dec-90
Subject: More SPACE THINGY'S: A HECK OF A LOT MORE

".....Present position unknown sir", said an obviously concerned ensign
actually doing his job for a change.
" Well damn'it ensign we have the highest technology known to man, our
super computers can pinpoint this ship in relation to every point in the
universe as it pertains to every other point in the universe", saaid the
captain. He had read it on the back of the brochure he got when he first
got his command.
" Sorry sir the computers are down", said an as yet unintroduced
charactor as he stumbled. like so many before him, on board the bridge.
We gotta get rid of that little step infront of the turbo lift.
" EH?", said the captain realizing this was the first time he had every
said 'Eh' in his life," Who said that?"
" Ummmm I did!", said a rather tall striking figure standing near the
captain. He had rather longish hair and sloppy clothes on, not the
regulation snappy United Earth uniform, and wire framed eyeglasses. Which
was strange since wouldn't they be able to fix nearsightedness in the
future, nonetheless he was standing before the captain who had never set
eyes on him before.
" And you are...", asked the captain vaguely interested.
The man stood there silent. It seemed he was Computer Specialist Bryce
Lynch. And years of working in the ships main computer databanks in the
inner inner 'Where no one has gone before' part of the ships internal
inside intra-ship bulkheads, for so long that he had forgotten many of
lifes social graces much like the reader who trys to remember what this
sentence was all about. Then it hit him like a mainframe on acid.
" Oh! Uh Lynch sir. Computer specialist Bryce Lynch", said Lynch looking
rather embarrassed about the whole thing.
" Right! Ok Specialist Lynch what the HELL is going on with our
DataBanks", yelled the captain seething with rage like he never seethed
before.
" Well the uh computers are actually working quite well", studdered
Lynch," it's the software."
" What about the software", growled the captain," we didn't forget to
send in those warranty registration forms, did we?"
" No, it's just that we forgot to make a backup copy", said Bryce
timidly.
" WHAT?!!", yelled the captain," We are lost in a airless, godless void
totally devoid of life, doomed to certain death, with not one decent
software vendor in sight and we face the very real possibility of
perishing just because you forgot to make a BACKUP!!!!"
" Yup", said Specialist Lynch promptly, hoping the captain would strike
him down there and save him the embarrassment of having to tell the
captain all about how the ships dongle got accidently eaten by one of his
pet Iberian Mega-rats, and that they had been using the old Apple II
emergency computer system for the last seventeen months.
" Oh shut up Lynch about the dongle", said the captain knowingly.
" Dongle! What dongle, I didn't say anything about any dongle!", said Lynch.
" I can read the comments after your line, Lynch!", said the captain, "
What I wanna know is how the hell we're gonna get out of here!"
" Sorry sir", said a previously silent ensign at an OPs station
concentrating his sights on his screen," There seems to be an energy
field enveloping the ship!"
" Take evasive action ensign", said the captain knowing full well the
young ensign could never take evasive action from an energy field.
" Umm", said the ensign obviously stumped," I haven't a clue what to do.
We can't possibly take evasive action!"
" Oh know thats it! We're all going to die!", cryed the captain.
" Wait I know!", said a mystery voice chosen by the accounting firm of
Ernst and Howards and only available on Columbia Records and Tapes, in
Dolby stereo surround sound yet!
" Who...", said the captain trailing off as he swung around to see the mystery
man.
" If we could only", the mystery voice continued while the captain looked
around the bridge for it," get a new and more optimistic author."
" But how!", said an ensign trying to participate.
" Captain!", the voice said," How much in the ships petty cash?"
" Uhh uhh....", said the captain in no particular direction," I didn't
even know we had a petty cash. Why?"
" We'll need money to hire a new author", said the voice.
" Can we get Stephen King this time", said a young ensign who obviously
read too much, isn't reading dead yet?
" Sir!! The energy cloud is crushing the ship!!", yelled the ensign
formally in the limelight, and now scrambling for some fame as the story
fades off into the distance.
< TALK ABOUT RAMBLING ON >

Message #39
To: ALL
From: Shogun 27 21:29:06 20-Dec-90
Subject: SILENT SPACE : HOLY SPACE

" Damn it! What the hell are we gonna do!", yelled the captain searching
for the mystery voice that had so recently helped him.
" Sir! We will be crushed in seconds!", screamed the ensign his life
passing quickly past.
" Engineering", said the unknown voice," Reverse warp engine polarity on
my command."
" Macdonald here", snapped the chief engineer over the intercom," Will do
mystery voice sir!"
" Oh.", said the captain upon hearing the orders over the cheap ships
intercom, thinking that his fries were ready to pickup at the little
window.
" Mark.", said the voice calmly.
A large humming came from beneath the floor of the bridge. Pure sound
vibrated throughout the ship making it sway back and forth, with crewmen
realistically swaying along with it. Then came deep sounds from the ships
super-structure cruyshing against the pure energy of the unknown force
field, smashing, grinding, squishing, slashing, and other adjectives
previously only available in the finer of the galaxy's horror movies. But
miracuosly the ship withstood the great strain of its burden limping
through the dark foreboding nature of space. Someone was controlling all
of this. A force greater than mankind, than all of lifekind, a force that
only lay in the minds of the most insane and warped individuals called
sci/fi writers.
" Captain!", spoke an ensign furiously," We appear to be drawn towards a
point 062.8943 mark .094 radians!"
" Hey I thought the computer was down?!?", retorted the captain.
" Lucky guess", said the ensign knowing full well he was just trying to
make it appear he actually knew what he was doing, forgetting the
computer was down.
" Oh.", said the captain, strangely enough... he meant it this time.
" Hold on", said an ensign sitting in front of a big dial he presumed was
the aceleration gauge," We're accelerating! Past warp 18.9!"
The crew braced themselves for acceleration. They braced themselves
again after it didn't come. Again they braced. Yet again the entire crew
in unison braced and released their tension and braced again and release,
and four more, and three more, and hold, hold, hold. Then all the
silliness stopped and an acceleration rate yet unknown to man was placed
on the crew of the Inverness. And all was quiet. Dark.

Message #40
To: ALL
From: Shogun 27 19:54:26 21-Dec-90
Subject: SPACE THINGYS: THEIR DARKEST HOUR.

Damn I wish it wasn't so dark in here", commented the captain," I can't
see a damn thing!"
" Shhh, you're spoiling the mood the authors trying to make", said an
unidentifible crewman.
" Oh", the captain stared down into the darkness. Then he stared up into
the darkness. Sideways, at forty five degree angles, everywhere the
captain stared was pitch black nothingness. He wasn't sure he existed for
seconds at a time. He pondered where he was in his life... "Damn." he
thought, it can't end this way. 'I have too much to live for', again he
thought to himself. Then a light. The crew stared into it, straining to
catch a glimpse of the fairly dim little light. It got brighter and brighter.
It was coming from the main viewer. As the light became stronger the bridge
lit up in a spooky eerie kind of way only accomplished with expensive lighting
kits. The crew looked on in astonishment as the light actually transformed and
transmutated into a shape. The shape of a humanoid form.
" What the hell?", the captain murmoured," Wha...."
" Unknown sir", replied a helpfull ensign," Scans show nothi.... Whoops!
Ha ha. Just uh... sorry sir, I was scanning ensign Valdez."
" Damn it son", said the captain," You should know how to work that
scanner thingy. God knows I can't teach you."
" Yes sir. The object appears to be made entirely of energy. Much like we
look like when travelling via Trans-Mat", said the ensign.
" You mean it could be human?", asked the captain wondering 'You mean it
could be human?'
" Yes sir", the ensign retorted.
" Well...", the captain paused. The form had passed past the range of the
external main viewer camera and was proceding to pass through the floor,
like a spirit, or a ghost or an actor on a totally different sound stage
while technicians manned complicated editing equipment while being yelled
at by a pigheaded director... much like the bridge of the Inverness
coming out of space dock... with the ship on autopilot!
" Ahhh!", the captain screamed with fear of the ghostly figure.
The figure in a blink of an eye stopped shimmering and stood totally still,
in human form. As human as the rest of the crew, well except he was... black!
Yes, the Inverness was an all white crew, a very boring bunch indeed. The crew
stared at the figure with a mixture of awe, wonderment and fear of the unknown.
" Eh! Bro! Slip me some skin!", said a silly young ensign hoping that his
150 year old greeting would be appropriate.
" Excuse me?", said the man, " My name is Trab Nospmis. I have brought
you here for a purpose."
" So you're the one who brought us here!", boomed the captain who had
been nervously looking for someone to vent his frustration on. Damn what
a time for him to give up needlepoint.
" Yes! Human", said Trab, with an accent on the 'man' in human," I have
brought you here to talk to you on a matter of supreme importance to the
survival of the Universe!"
" Oh.", again the captain, sensing the very power in the mans presence,
wimpily relented his rage.
" Come with me.", said Trab and in seconds the captain and several of the
ships higher echelons were standing in a large room. Trab sat down and
began to sift through a large pile of notes on a large desk in the center
of the room.
" Yes", he paused and cleared his throat," I have summoned you for a
dangerous, perilous and generally suicidal mission , because....."

Message #41
To: ALL
From: Shogun 27 20:52:21 22-Dec-90
Subject: MORE STORY : TASTES GREAT, LESS FILLING!

" .....I need the best of the best. I need the flag ship of the United
Earth fleet. I need you, the crew of the Vindicator!"
" Uh actually we're from the Inverness", said the captain meekly.
" The uh...Inverness", Trab stammered uncomfortably fingering a
psi-di-kill-O-blast-mega-gun convienently placed before him," you...you
people are from the... Inverness?"
" Yes.", the captain said simply.
" The same Inverness famed in legend and lore?", said Trab. The captain
looked up with a new look of hope.
" Famed in legends throughout the galaxy as", Trab stood up and his voice
became louder," the Most HOPELESS AND INEPT STARSHIP IN THE UNIVERSE!"
" Uh...", the captain studdered, his hopes dashed on the rocks, which
rocks I don't know," Yeah I guess so."
Trab straightened up looked around nervously and made a silly 'John
Cleesian' face and started speaking....
" Right! You guys will have to give it a go", he snapped, as his accent
changed from his previous Afro-galactic, to an accent closer to the
aforementioned British comedian long famed in Galactic history as one of
the greatest prophets and demi-gods of modern galactic history.
" Um, what do we have to do?", the captain paused just after saying those
little words in the quotation marks at the beginning of this sentance.
" You will first have to venture far across this solar system to obtain
an amount of Tirellian crystal and....", Trab continued.
" Wait! Wait! Slow down I can't write this down fast enough! Damn it Jim,
I'm a Starship captain not a secretary!"
" Who's Jim?", asked Trab.
" Sorry.", the captain said," Please continue."
" Anyway you must obtain the crystals and take them to an agent of the
Dran-tar Empire, presently located on the plant Thebes VI.", Trab babbled
on endlessly about the mission while the captain doodled a picture of an
Iberian mega-rat on his notepad. After a few minutes, Trab stopped and
asked....
" Any questions", he said in soft firm tones.
" Yeah!", ensign Valdez spoke up," What do my brains and a frying egg have in
commmon?"
" Shut up Valdez!", the captain commanded, " No, no questions."
" Then you will take the mission on?", Trab looked on hopefully.
" Yeah, will give it a go!", said the captain, this time the great 'Cleese'
presence had entered the captain.
" I have several things to give you to help you on quest....", Trab
drifted between coherent words and little .... dots.
< Tune in next week, or maybe next day, for the next exciting episode >
< Will the crew of the Inverness accomplish Trab's mission? >

Message #42
To: Shogun 27
From: Bandit King 1 2:30:18 23-Dec-90
Subject: MORE STORY : TASTES GREAT, LESS FILLING!

Trab pulled his intra galactic super shield robe, and pulled out a small
sack of about average sack size (what ever that is) opening the sack he
pulled out yet another sack this onn of about average sack size but just
a teeny bit smaller then average sack size, opening that sack he pulled
out yet another sack, this 3rd sack wasen't average sack size but bigger
then average small sack size. so it was about a fair sized sack. opening
the 3rd sack he pulled out a BOX (yes a box) this box was about the size
of any box you would find in an average smaller but not to small bigger
then small smaller then medieum average sack. and it was black. he opend
this box and pulled out a 2nd box, this box was a small box (as far as
boxes go) opening this box he pulled out a pouch, (smaller then your
small sack, about the size of a marble bag. opening this pouch he pulled
out a gold key. then Trab pointed to a Large open space on board the
Brige, a VERY Large Box appeared. he used the key to open the Very large
box. in the Box the Captain found the following items.

24 issues of National Geogalactic.
A 3 gallon tank of 10-40 weight oil
Glow in the Dark condom?!
"Oops! said trab as he reachout out and pocketed the condom.
1 banana
And of all things a Repair dude who had an IQ of 146. The repair dude hopped
out and said, "hello Captain, my name is Glen"
"Wonderful," replied the Captain, "your post is... " the captain reached for
his InterGalactic supra Megga Mondo Atomic UZI cannon Mark IV
pulling the trigger !zap!! (just a minute here, I pull the Trigger of this
awsome gun, and all you lame author's can come up with is zap? Gimmie a break
how about KERSLATTT!!! or VREEEEEBAAASK!!!!! or PERWUG!! Or something, anything
but Zap!!!) {OK, OK, captain I'll change it, just calm down, remember I'm
master, I'm the author, you can tell that cause I get the pretty brackets, haw
haw!!!}
......pulling the trigger Sproing!!! a beam of coherent azure ligh....(
hey!! HEY you ..... mr. author dude, I don't know who you think you are
but no Gun in the history of cool sound FX has ever made SPROING!!??
smarten up, and where is that Ninja guy... Shogun? at least he can make
sound effects.) {captain keep it too your self or all erase away some
important part of your body!!!}
......Pulling the trigger...(INSERT COOL RADICAL GNARLY SOUD EFFECT HERE.)
a beam of coherent azure light spurted from the gun, it struck the first
repair dude (glen 1 with the IQ of 2.67) and melted him to the ensign
Gibbles Grave shoes!!!, "Your post is over there where glen 1 used to be,
from now on your name is Jeramy", "Got it?"
" Yes sir captain sir, but where is the mop?, I can't work there untill I
clean up all the melted Glen on the floor"
" It's in the Computer console, right next to the Trans dimensional phaser
stabalizing retro manuvering thruster gauge thingy is, to the left of that Jam
sandwich.
Suddenly from a VERY LARGE box, Trab removed something so powerful, so Awesome
when placed next to any peice of existing hardware, something so incredibly
cool that I can't wait to hear what the next writer calls it?
It was a............

(hey!! you,...Author guy... this is the captain..!!! just where do you
GET off makeing sound effects like SPROING!! or azur light? what the hell
is azur? and cohearent? if I knew what that word was I would be sure you
spelt it wrong!!! and what the hell are Grav shoes? get a life
man.........)

(well captain I warnd you!!!!!!!!!!!!)
hey who's that voice? what did you warn me... AAAAAARRRRRRGFGGGGGHHHH MY
PANTS SOMETHING'S GOT MY ?????????????????? ARRRGGGGE IT BURNS
AAAAAAAAGGHHH HELP HELP IT'S , IT'S IT'S..... gone....... my... my.....
it's gone......................., please mr author guy put it back,
please.... I promise to not be such a cranke idiot, please!!)

(well captain only if you do as write. no more complaning!!)
(yes master, anything but PLEASE write it Back on....)

(ok Captain hear goes.............)
(ooch oooooo ogffff hahhhh that tickles)
(quit squirming captain I'll mess up.... DAMN look at it now it's upside
down!!!, just a sec...... there we are all better)
(but it's so small... can't you make it bigger?)
(CAPTAIN!!!!!! be happy with waht you got your getting on my nervs)
(ok, ok it's fine just leave it, and when is that ninja man comeing back,
his storys are more fun.?
(soon captain, now go away and wait for someone to finish the story)

Message #43
To: Bandit King 1
From: Shogun 27 19:10:39 23-Dec-90
Subject: MORE STORY : TASTES GREAT, LESS FILLING!
(Reply to message 42)

.........bit late in getting here, so you'll have to make do with this",
Trab spoke these words as he pulled a medium sized black object out the
VERY LARGE box.
" It was late in getting here!?!", cried the captain, " Come on you're an
omni-cogsent-pan-dimensional-super-being.... couldn't you have got what
we need easily!"
" Well it's holiday time and...", Trab continued.
" Holiday time?", interupted the captain.
" Yeah well somewhere in the universe it's holiday time... anyway I used
the Galactic Post Office and...", Trab continued to continue.
" Ahhh", said some of the crew sympathetically.
" Should've used Federal Express.", said the captain.
" Hey!", yelled Trab, " Who's the super-being here! Anyway this is it.
This is the only object in the Universe that can help you."
" Yeah!", the captain started. He looked at the object with wonder and
amazement. It was made out of pure thought. He held it in his hands and
all his life became clear, the meaning of 'Life the Universe and Everything!'
This was the power of the object so powerful, so immensely usefull to the
future of lifekind and the survival of the universe that I, a lowly SF writer
am not worthy to even suggest the possibility of the speculation that I could
possibly ever in this life or the next even come close to actually in whole or
in part name it... even with the express written permission of the National
Hockey League. Thats how powerful the object was. What did it look like you ask
? Huh? You didn't ask? Well, I'll tell you anyway. It shifted between matter
and pure energy every few moments. Its shape was only governed by that of its
surroundings. But all the while it stayed a jet, pitch, dark, really really bad
... black. It was totally frictionless.
" How... How does it work?", started up the captain, " And what does it
uh do?"
" Do! What does it DO!", Trab's voice became louder than it had been
before," Isn't it obvious!"
" No, ah no it isn't?", the captain humbly muttered.
" Maybe... maybe you are not the right people for this job", Trab was
beginning to have second thoughts.
" Um", the captain thought about the pressure that a 'Save the entire
Universe' mission would put on him. He was under enough pressure with the
standard United Earth 'Put her into regulation orbit by pushing the
little button on your console' missions. Damn! Was it a good idea to place
the entire fate of the Universe in the hands of a mere United Earth
starship captain.
" Um", the captain repeated, " I think that we should maybe probably
possibly....."

Message #44
To: authors of doom
From: Bandit King 1 0:10:11 24-Dec-90
Subject: Ultra megga pretty good ok story goes on...

....have a coffee break!" coffee break thought the captain... oh great it's
mr. wonderful author at the controls again.. Just after that Shogun guy
fixed the story, you have to come and $&^% it up again!! great..
" Coffee Break?!" cried the crew of 95% ensigns, in unison..
" Coffee break?" thought Trab
captain "is there an echo in hear?"
" Splended Idea!" blurted Trab, in a way that only a ultra pan dimensional
pure antimatter matter galactic universal being, could say it.
" OK" wimperd the captain "everyone meet in 13.573 forward in oh say 5 mins."
---with ths command all the crew present, except for the few who were
pretending to fly the ship, filed into the tubro lifts and went to 13.573
forward (13.6 rounded up)---
" Well," said the captain, as the last of the crew enterd the lounge, "What
should we do?"...by the way Trab, what exacty does this super megga delux
glob of energy do?"
" Well, it ahhhh, err, ulp well....," stumbled trab ," well I kinda forgot..."
" YOU MEAN TO TELL ME, THAT THIS ULTRA POWERFUL WHATEVER, THAT CAN DESTROY
OR RESURECT, KILL OR MAIM. DESTRUCT ERADICATE AND COMMIT GENOCIDE, WITH A
MERE THOUGHT, this thingy... and you can't remember what it's called or
how to use it, or even what it does."
..............Long pause.....Really long pause...really really long
pause.. a pause so long you could feel it, so powerful was this pause you
could cut it out and spread it on toast.. it was a REALLY long
pause..............................................then...........
..............slowly..at first...........Trab answerd..............
" Well yea".........................................................
" Ok" thought the captain "ok, this thing we don't know what it does,
except that it's powerful.... hmmmmm, I wonder what the crew would like
to do"
" Well captain, said one of the crew stepping forward" were behinde you
all the way"
The captain felt tears comeing to his eyes.. What a loyal crew, whaT a
careing enviroment he commanded. "HEY!!!! how did you know, I wanted your
opinion?"
" Well captain it just up there seven lines up, just after the word
powerful, we read it.."
" You mean you know what I think?"
" Oh yea, all along we read your thoughts, it's very easy..."
no place to think to my self. thought the captain. how will I ever
relax?"
" Well captain, if you wanna relax just go to your quarters, and we won't
be around to read your thoughts"
" WILL YOU STOP THAT!!!!!!! can't a man think to himself..."
" ENOUGH!!!!!!!!!" yelled trab, as on;y a super celestial all powerful
matter energy pan galactic being could yell. "will you do it or not?..."
---another good sized pause------------------------------------
" YES!!! well do it Trab" replyed the captain. "now What's are mission,
and where can we expect help, where will it be Getting tough... we will
do it. what's the mission....................?

Message #45
To: Bandit King 1
From: Shogun 27 16:30:46 24-Dec-90
Subject: Ultra megga pretty good ok story goes on...
(Reply to message 44)

....The mission?", Trab continued," I told you all about it just a short
time ago..."
" Oh.", the captain said embarrassingly," Right could you uh please maybe
tell us all about it. You know we humans have a very brief attention span
...I blame television."
" What the hell!", Trab said unconcerned. He knew these idiots would
screw up.
" And this time I'll get the author to write it all down in clear view",
said the captain, who by this time knew how to manipulate these author
guys.
" Right.", Trab cleared his throat. You'd think a Pan-dimensional-Omni
-omnivorous-super-being wouldn't have mucous constantly building up in
his throat. Anyway," The mission in question is to journey to the far
edge of the galaxy to thwart the evil plans of my arch enemy the Being of
Ultimate Evil. He, is waiting to plunge the Universe into total civil
war, a war that I believe could end the Universe as quickly as it came
into being. This war must not happen."
" Hold on their buckaroo", said the captain with a death wish, " Why
can't you defeat this Ultimate driving machine guy... by yourself!"
" He is called the Being of Ultimate Evil, his given name is Hsub
Egreog!", Trab shouted," I cannot even touch him because there is a
higher power in the Universe! And don't call me BUCKAROO!!!"
" Okay! Okay!", the captain paused," What's more powerful than you?
Surely you're a being more powerful than all others?"
" There is a higher power in the Universe. He is the one who decides who
lives and who dies. He decided that I...", Trab paused ,"...I could not
save the Universe!"
" Surely...", the captain tried to continue but couldn't.
" The power I am speaking of is...", Trab paused for a bit of suspense.
He knew the readers would skip over this little sentance to see who in
fact was the real Ultimate Being in the Universe, so.... He knew he could
put anything he wanted to in this little 'thought' sentence and he just
wanted to say that all people should live together in peace and harmo....
And then he was cut short by the author who was really curious about who
the real power in the Universe was and couldn't wait one minute
longer....," the Author!!!"
< ME! REALLY IT'S ME!!! WOW I'D LIKE TO THANK THE MEMBERS OF THE ACADEM..>
" So anyway whats the mission?", said the captain impatiently.
" Um.... Right!", Trab continued to continue the continuation," The only
way the Being of Ultimate Evil, can be stopped is by....."
Damn! Trab thought, Can't I even finish a bloody storyline without
being cut of. I mean You'd think a Being of my magnitude would have some
pull, but NOOOO! I mean I'm tired of going on and on not accomplishing
anything in the story and this idiot Shogun comes along, puts words in my
mouth and leaves me hanging. Man I wish I had an ending for this.

Message #46
To: All
From: Shogun 27 18:02:17 27-Dec-90
Subject: Ultimate Evil.

" ....stopping him."
" Huh?!?", the captain blurted out.
" I mean...", Trab continued realizing that stopping the Evil one, by
stopping him was a stupid thing to say. Even mega-omni-super-beings make
mistakes," You must use the object I gave you and launch it directly into
the headquarters of the Being of Ultimate Evil."
" What will it do", said the captain pausing and grinning," Blow the sucker
from Here to Eternity!"
" Of course not", said Trab who was damn sure this wasn't going to be another
run of the mill 'Blow the enemy to Hell' space saga," It will change the Evil
one, he will become one with the Universe and become ultimately good."
" Oh.", said the captain," Kinda like you?"
" Well", Trab replied, " I still haven't become one with the whole Universe.
I still don't understand why men have nipples?"
" Just decoration", said one of the many ensigns milling about the bridge
busily repairing this, testing that, sleeping. All in preparation for the
greatest moments in their short life spans.
" Shut up ensign!", commanded the captain, " So Trab, how will we know
how to get the Being of Ultimate Evils lair?"
" I'll give you're navigation officer the correct data through brain wave
telepathy....", said Trab looking at the navigation officer trying to
open a bottle of Pan-Galatic-Gargle-Blaster-in-a-Bottle with his teeth,"
Maybe I'll give him a personality while I'm in there!"
" Oh.", said the captain simply.
" I will also instill one of your computers with my essence, my memories,
my soul.", said Trab saying soul with... Soul.
" Great!", said Computer Specialist Lynch, long quiet, " Could you fix
our computers while you're at it?"
" Um", said Trab fixing the computers as the author typed these words,"
It is done."
" Whats the next step", said the captain.
" All is done.", said Trab quietly," I must leave you to your mission...
May (God/The Force/Insert your belief here) be with you."
And promptly Trab vanished and the Inverness was thrust into the inky
blackness of space. Their navi-com systems hummed like they had never
hummed before. The entire crew started busily scurrying about the bridge,
putting down their drinks, and waking up. The captain strode deep into
the center of the huge bridge. The bridge had become incredibly larger.
Trab had replaced the flourescent tubes in the ceiling that had long
since been vacant. The captain then climbed high on top of his battle
pedestal in the center of the bridge. He strapped himself in and gave the
crew the order to buckle up...
" Okay men", boomed the captain over the huge Public Address system," We
are about to undertake a mission that is extremely important to the
survival to the Universe. We must all work togther to accomplish our
mission and save the Universe. We are united as one entity under a single
common thread. Well more like a rope, but anyways I have one last thing
to say... We must not fail."
" We're with you sir", said one of the younger ensigns," We'll do it!!!
Ya!!!"
" Somebody shoot that little bastard", said one of the more seasoned
ensigns who was constantly being passed over for promotions time after
time.
" Engage!", said the captain as his command boomed throughout the bridge.
Then all was quiet, save for the quiet murmurings of a hand blaster
ripping through the chest of mildly too ambitious and excited young
ensign. The huge ship moved slowly towards the pinprick solar system
where the Being of Ultimate Evil resided. With a snap of light beams
refracting around the hull, the Inverness jumped into hyperspace and
became one with a myriad of other pin pricks in the deep darkness of
space.

Message #47
To: All
From: Shogun 27 20:56:01 28-Dec-90
Subject: <INSERT YOUR WITTY QUIP TYPE TITLE HERE>

The planet the Inverness was thundering towards, the home of his
viciousness the Being of Ultimate Evil, was... in a word, Dark.
It was a pure coincidence that it was ever discovered at all. It blended
seamlessly with the darkness of space. Because of its darkness and
general incredible distance from any reasonably big sun, the planet was
bathed in freezing and sub-freezing temperatures constantly. That did not
seem to bother the Evil one in the slightest. He enjoyed the darkness,
and well the cold was an added bonus... an extra bonus as Americans would
say. And his entourage and assorted assistants and managers and
supervisory directors and directors of supervision... well they all had
to grin and bear it. Life on the planet, which curiously enough never had
a Encyclopeadia Galactica type name but was simply refered to as HELL,
was a cross between death and going on holiday with a group of Germans.
The main export of Hell was pain, death and general unfun grimness. The
Evil one although not a general threat to the entire Universe, not until
now that is, had conquered several star systems in the surrounding area
and ruled them with an iron fist. Although the rest of the Universe was
never in much contact and did not keep up with the news of Hell and the
surrounding area, a small group of rebels had managed to attack the
Empire of the Evil one, led by a heroic princess and a dying breed of
Knights who used a Universal power or Force to fight the Empire. Although
the rebels had on two occasions destroyed the huge battlestations of the
Evil one... well ahh, thats another parody.
" I sense a presence. One I have not felt for... for... well actually
I've never felt this particular presence before.", the Being of Ultimate
Evil's voice rang throught the huge hall he held his horrible hideous
court in.
" A presence my lord?", said an assistant to the manager of the nearby
supervisor for this particular area, time and vein of thought.
" What kind of presence my lord?", said another in the endless chain of
bureacracy that the Evil one kept, this time it was his supervisor of
asking stupid questions after equally stupid questions.
" It is a presence of...", said the Evil one as he thought 'What a stupid
question!'," an incredibly inept and generally quite dim crew of... all
things a United Earth Starship!!"
" Ha! My lord!", said one of the managers," Earth! WHat could they
possibly do to our mighty armada!"
" Nothing.", said the Evil one with an evil smugness, a smugness wide and
a smugness deep, a smugness so incredibly smug that I don't think I even
have to continue this sentence. HA!

" Estimated Time of Arrival, Lieutenant!", said the captain still reeling
from the swift change of scene, from the Evil planet to the bridge.
'Well', he thought, ' At least we don't have to take any recon probes...
we know we're doomed!'.
" Exactly thirty three hours , sir!", said the navigation Lieutenant
proud at his new accomplishment, actually knowing where they were going
and when they'd get there, a new experience for him.
" Good Son!", said the captain putting on a brave front, in front of his
men knowing full well their destiny...

Message #48
To: ALL
From: Shogun 27 22:57:47 29-Dec-90
Subject: ANYBODY READ THESE STORIES?

" Upcoming scans sir!", yelled a recently promoted ensign, now a
lieutenant. The captain had made all the ensigns Lieutenants, Lieutenants
Commanders, and he made himself an Admiral... what was United Earth
Command going to do to him out here?
" Great Lieutenant", the captain lied," Give me any and all information
coming up on those scans."
" Well uh ... Theres a power leak in the aft... umm... theres a small
meteorite heading for the solar panel in sector... um... well theres
...theres a lot of stuff here too much for a short story like this!", the
ensign er um the lieutenant (Damn captain didn't clear his crew
promotions with the me!) said.
" Thats alright son.", the captain mildly answered and started listening
again to Specialist Bryce on the Intercom he had so recently been
ignoring.
" Yeah and the computer systems are working great!", said Lynch
excitedly," And we can get decent meals out of the food processors too!
That Trab guy really fixed up this ship!"
" Yeah!", said the captain again putting the poker face on, not to let on
to the crew that they were all doomed.
" And he fixed my remote controlled Iberian mega don...", Lynch went on
and on as the Captain lost interest.
" Navigation here sir! I have something to report!", said a voice coming
from the direction of navigation.
" Uh sorry Lynch gotta go", said the captain as he slammed the Intercom
terminate button down and listened to the navigation report," So
Brigader Lieutenant Commander Valdez", the captain was always fond of the
Navigation officer," Whats up!"
" We are nearing the planet of the Being of Ultimate Evil.", replied
Navigation officer Valdez.
" WHAT!", the captain expected arrival at the planet a tad bit later on
in the story," Why didn't you tell me!"
" Sorry sir.", said Valdez apoligetically," But the author wanted to
speed up the story a little."
" Damn it JUAN!", the captain yelled," I'm not ready for this!"
The captain then proceeded to have a nervous breakdown right there
strapped into his battle lounger. If it were not for those straps the
captain would surely have plummeted to the floor of the bridge and would
have been crushed. Actually the reason for extending the height of the
captains chair grew out of the egomaniacal captain Barr who always wanted
to be higher than his crew and thus had designed the Inverness in his own
style. He would have commanded the Inverness if it were not for his
horrible cross-country-wrestling accident in 2062. Thank god for those
straps, thought the captain as he was unconcious and simultaniously
having a dream about his high school Chemistry teacher exploding on an
old episode of the Arsenio Hall show.
" Captain! Captain!", yelled a helpful Lieutenant who had climbed the
captains seat in order to either revive him or stage a mutiny... which
ever he thought of first.
" Huuuu!", groaned the captain," Wait Mom I'm just packing my backpack! I
won't be late today I... I...!"
" No, sir!", yelled the lieutenant as he slapped the captain and was in
the process of enjoying it," We're nearing HELL!"
" WHA...", the captain misunderstandedly yelled.

Message #49
To: INTELLIGENT BEINGS EVERYWHERE
From: Shogun 27 22:57:32 30-Dec-90
Subject: SAVING THE UNIVERSE

" ...T", finished the captain.
" No! No! Captain we're nearing the planet of Ultimate Evil, not Hell...
HELL.", said the helpful but somewhat sadistic Lieutenant as he continued
to slap the captain.
" Well why didn't you say so", said the captain in hushed calm tones. He
then proceeded to throw the Lieutenant lock, stock and barrel (Yes, he
somehow managed to carry a barrel up with him to the where the captain
was perched. It's true! Would I lie to you?).
" Right!", the captain roared pleasantly as he always did after a short
nap," Lets kick so major butt!"
" Yes sir", said a helmsman,"We are nearing the planet now!"
" Initiate initiation sequence!", said the captain quoting someone he had
heard somewhere saying this same thing.... at least it sounded official,"
Start launching proceedure, and engage loading procedure!"
" Huh?", huhed one of the lieutenants in charge of launching stuff.
" Just load that all encompasing everything object that Trab gave us into
one of the photon tubes", said the captain suddenly realizing he knew
what they had to do.
" Yes, sir!", said the lieutenant.
" Coming into planets orbit sir!", yelled the navigation officer.
" Hey! I wanted to say that!", said the helmsman.
" Shut up you two!", commanded the captain readying himself for the
upcoming thingy.
" On your command sir.", said one of the lieutenants at a science
station, totally uninvolved with the upcoming thingy.
" Right! Five! Four! Three!", yelled the captain with satisfation as the
crew thought,' I wish he wouldn't shout!'," TWO! ON......"
< This storys just about over. I don't know why I should continue any
more than a few more messages, maybe I'll wait for the Sysop to get back
but...>
< IS ANYBODY READING THESE MESSAGES>

Message #50
To: ALL
From: Shogun 27 17:24:19 5-Jan-91
Subject: Just about done.

" ONE! ONE! One damn'it!", the captain became obviously disturbed.
" I'm sorry sir!", yelled the lieutenant in charge of launching the
'object' onto the plant of Ultimate Evil or Hell for short," The
electromagnetic launching mechanism is jammed!"
" What!", the captain screamed," Just when I thought this stupid story
was going to end and..."
" But sir," a lieutenant speaks up," Your forgetting the climax factor!"
" The what?", the captain looked puzzled.
" The climax factor!", the lieutenant repeated," The author needs to have
a suspense filled climax to this little tale."
" A climax! What is this author guy trying to do? Make me have a heart
attack! Is that what you want eh?!? A cardiac arrest?!", the captain
screamed towards the ceiling.
" Don't worry sir", the lieutanant calmly related," There will be some
heartpounding action, maybe a little doubt, possibly the death of an
unpopular or irrelevant character.... but then we will win out."
" Oh.", the captain quoted," So we just sorta wait for a while?"
" Well no. We gotta move around a little do something!", said the
lieutenant.
" Why!?!", the captain retorted," Lets just let this author chappie do
everything."
" Well sir, its a little unorthodox... but we'll give it a go!", the
lieutenant said.
The crew of the Inverness calmed down and waited for the story to
end.... But, it didn't. It just kept on going. It flowed forever onward.
It started to repeat itself, and onward it managed to go. Then it got
boring very boring. It just kept dragging on, constantly regurgagating
the same old trash. The same old rubbish kept spewing out of the story.
Then it got interesting, just with the mere mention of the word
interesting. Damn interesting! Yes, it was a turning point in the climax
of this the final chapter of this incredible space saga. Yes, thats more
like it.... Yes, the final awe inspiring chapter of this the greatest story
ever told. Then the story made a brave step forward. A new paragraph.

The Inverness glided seamlessly through the space above the Planet of
Ultimate Evil. The ship was silent. The crew was silent, except for those
few lieutenants playing poker in a corner, but other than the screams of
good gamesmanship the crew was silent. The court of the Being of ultimate
Evil was quite loud by comparison. Yes, it was downright deafening. The
beings in the court were watching one of their favorite sports, a sport
too hideous to even describe to human ears, so I won't bother. The Being
of Ultimate Evil and his army of entourage were unconcerned about the
Inverness orbiting high overhead. They knew of no Earth ship that could
contain a weapon powerful enough to make even the slightest dent in the
Evil planet. But they did not know about Trab or the 'object' so powerful
that you'll have to read the previous messages describing it to find out
about it.
" Ummmm", the captain broke the silence onboard the Inverness, and thats
not all he broke," Ummmm, Is the climax just about over. Can we move on
to riding... err floating off into the sunset... err towards a sun now?"
" Uh I dunno sir", said one of the silent lieutenants.
" Is there anyway we can hurry up this author dude?", said another
completely different lieutenant.
" Tell him that this is line 53!", said the invisible blue dragon
floating over the ship.
" Hey! Theres no invisible blue dragon in this story!", said the captain.
" Oh he's losing it now!", yelled a helpfull crewman.
" Thats it!", and with that the captain jumped down from his battle
pedestal, pushed aside a cardboard wall cleverly painted to resemble the
interior of a space ship and walked of the soundstage and into his
limo waiting patiently outside and drove off into the huge setting sun.
< BOY WAS THAT LAME. SOMEBODY WANNA START A NEW STORY? >

End of Thread.

End of line.

EOF.

THATS ALL FOLKS!!!

'NUFF SAID.

All Stop! Everybody off!

Okay IT'S OVER!!! NO MORE!!! IT HAS CEASED TO EXIST!!! IT LIVES NO LONGER!!!

" I'm sorry sir. I'm going to have to take away your word processor.", said
the underpaid British bobby who had just walked into my room.
" WHAT!! No you can't!!," I screamed, "I'm a Sci/Fi writer damn it! I must
write! I must wriiiiitttte!!!"
" I'm sorry sir, You're disturbing the neighbors,"the police officer responded
but paused as he glanced down.
" Do you mind, sir!", he yelled as I got down on all fours and began growling
and trying to bite his shins.
" Stop that! Stop that", he continued," If you persist sir... I shall have to
arrest you for assulting an officer, insulting an audience, and general
copyright infringement of fine 'Monty Python' comedy sketch's concerning this
very passage!!!"
" Ok," I said. And thats when the pink Ninja mercenaries broke into my room
and started dancing with the police officer and singing the theme to 'Cheers'
... but of course that's another story.

The part of the computer was played by an AMIGA 500 personal computer.
The part of the twisted author and editor was played by Ian 'SHOGUN' Campbell.
The part of the letters numbers and symbols was brought to you by those fine
people at ANSI.
ANSI when only letters and numbers and symbols will do.

COPYRIGHT 1991 (C) CHANNEL G. PRODUCTIONS.
IN ASSOCIATION WITH GREAT WHITE NORTH PRODUCTIONS.
ALSO IN ASSOCIATION WITH RAINY NIGHT PRODUCTIONS.
AND SHOGUN PRODUCTIONS.
ALL OF WHICH ARE OWNED BY SEIKO-TOSHIBA-MATSUSHITA INCORPORATED

FREELY REDISTRIBUTABLE, BUT DON'T TAKE THAT TOO SERIOUSLY.

And Finally...

Thanks to all that brave phosphorus that put an end to its own exciting life
to bring you a really neat thing to plug into your monitor port.
I'd also like to thank my good friend the 'CANADIAN NINJA ASSASIN FROM HELL'
who brought insight, kind help and.... free throwing stars so that I could
prepare this file.
THANK YOU.

----------------------- This is really the end. ----------------------------
 
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