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Spinich
RIB Productions
Proudly bring to you
"Spinich"
An ST:TNG Parody of "Schisms"
By Robert I. Brayer
-=-
SCENE I
(Riker is awakening)
Riker: Ah what a great dream, I feel like I didn't even have a minute of sleep!
Just the way I like it! <hic> Weird..I haven't had hiccups in years..oh well..
Picard: Picard To Riker, come to the bridge please.
Riker: What for?
Picard: I'm your superior officer, I'm ordering you to.
Riker: I know who you are, I mean why do you need me on the bridge? Picard: So
I can slack off in my ready room while you do any work needed..
Riker: Good reason.
-=-
SCENE II
(On the bridge)
Data: Mr. Riker, you seem to have a green stain on your shirt, is there any
reason behind this?
(Riker looks down and shakes his head)
Riker: Strange.. I didn't even eat this morning..and not only that..I feel
full!
Picard: Strange. Great. Figure that out while I go sleep in my ready room.
(Picard leaves)
Data: Perhaps you slept on green silly putty, and when you got up you had that
stain.
Ro: Or maybe a Vulcan sneaked into your cabin at night and silently bled on
your shirt!
Geordi: Or maybe you've been victim to a psycho mutant ninja turtle that rubbed
it's body all over yours in the night!
All but Worf: What!?
Geordi: It could happen!..not that it's ever..happened to me.. Ensign Somebody:
Maybe it's from that green stuff that's hanging from your lip.
Troi: Ewww...
Riker: Hey yeah! Let's go have Dr. Crusher run an analysis on it! All of us!
(And they all left!)
(Suddenly Picard comes out!)
Picard: Hey..where is everyone? Oh no! I can't run the bridge all by myself
augh- I'll have to call down for replacements..
-=-
SCENE III
(In Dr. Crusher's office, Crusher is looking at the sample under the
microscope)
Crusher: Yep..it's definetly...green...
Riker: What could it be from?
Crusher: One of many things..perhaps...vulcan blood?
Ro: Nyah nyah!
Crusher: Or who knows? Wait a minute..
(Crusher tastes it)
Crusher: Yum..tastes just like Spinich!
All But Worf: SPINICH!?
Crusher: Yeah.. what did you have for dinner last night Mr. Riker? Riker: Um..
A tuna salad sandwich?
Data: How strange indeed! What could have ever gotten this Spinich on your
shirt?
(Meanwhile, On The Bridge, Picard has problems of his own)
-=-
SCENE IV
Picard: NO NO NO!! Guinan I said take a LEFT at that star colony!
AGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!
Guinan: I'm tryin I'm tryin!!
(Suddenly, The Enterprise collides with a small asteroid belt.) (The whole ship
shakes!)
O'Brien: Agh It's really hard to work the weapons console when we keep hitting
these stellar objects! hint HINT!
Guinan: Go easy on me! I'm drunk!
Riker: Riker to bridge! What's going ON up there!?
Picard: Er well..you took my entire bridge crew! So I had to work with what I
had! O'Brien on weapons, Guinan at navigation, Columbus at the helm, hey wait a
sec, how did you get here!?
Columbus: I claim this helm for SPAIN!
(Columbus implodes)
Picard: Oh great now I need another helmsman!
Riker: Agh! Just try to not shake us up too much please Sir! We're trying to
figure out a mystery about spinich.
Picard: About Spinich? This better be good.
Ensign Scaredtodeath: AGGH!! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!
Picard: Shut up Ensign! You're making us all nervous!
Ensign Depressed: What does it matter? The universe is just one cataclismic
funeral in itself!
Picard: And you! Can it and go back to your job!
Depressed: What's my job?
Picard: You're the Sanitation Officer!
Depressed: No wonder I'm so depressed!
Picard: It could be worse, you could be Wesley!
Wesley: I heard that!
Guinan: Oh great! Now you've summoned him!
Wesley: Speak my name and I shall appear! The curse of the annoying
shmuck is upon you as of now!
(Suddenly Q appears)
Q: Ah now another thing to torment you with!!
All: NO !! ANYTHING BUT THAT!
(Q disappears laughing)
Picard: Enough! Now, Mr. Riker, what's the story with the spinich? Riker: We're
trying to figure out how spinich got on my shirt! Ro: He went to bed with his
shirt fine and woke up with it green! Picard: What could have caused this
horror?
Data: Perhaps that nude woman I saw walking into Mr. Riker's cabin brought
spinich?
Riker: She did not! That was talc!
Ro: Maybe it's a devious alien plot!!
Picard: YES! Perhaps aliens sucked Riker from his cabin at night, then forced
him to suck down loads of spinich in some devious experiment, knowing that if
they could turn Riker vegetarian they could eventually turn EVERYONE
vegetarian, hopefully conquering the entire galaxy and making it no longer safe
to eat meat!
Riker: NO HAM!?
Data: NO SPAM LITE!?!?
Picard: I'm afraid not! It is indeed devious, for if we all become vegetarians
the Klingon empire will SURELY fall!
Worf: <Grunt>! What about prune juice?
Ro: Yeah, prunes are fruits not veggies, would he still be able to drink it? Is
it just meat?
Picard: How the heck should I know!? Make up one sarcastic theory and get that!
Riker: No you may have an idea!
Picard: Yeah! Now all we have to do is implant a special tracking device into
your stomach so when the spinich hits we can track you and then beam you back!
What a great idea!
Worf: <Grunt> I'll have you know I am *NOT* a turnip.
All: HUH!?
Worf: <Grunt> Needed a line.
Geordi: This is too easy!
Crusher: Why do you say that?
Geordi: We've already figured out what we have to do and we're not even 150
lines into this thing! What's going on?
Picard: Maybe we have an easy week! Maybe we finally get a break! Maybe Robert
decided to be nice and write a little short parody so we can all go home and
roast weenies!
(When suddenly, the Enterprise exploded, yes *EX*ploded.)
Q: Or maybe not.
-=-
Announcer: Star Trek, The Next Generation will return after these important and
life threatening messages of great and utter
importance.
(Suddenly a man walks in)
Man<whispered>: We got a problem.
Announcer: Whassat?
Man: The Enterprise just exploded! How can we come back to the show if
everyone's DEAD?!
Announcer: Well maybe they're leading in for Deep Space 9!
Man: They have to be in the first DS9! They have a *CONTRACT* Announcer: Well
maybe this is the greatest scheme to get out of a contract in the history of
the universe!
Man: If so, I bet Robert will be angry! He's got these guys under contract for
how long is it? The rest of their natural lifes? Guess that problem's over
with..and now to a commercial.
-=-
(We see an overhead shot of Michael Jordan, shooting some hoops, after all,
what else is he good for?)
(The parenthesis caption, has now unfortuently imploded)
Jordan: You know, I can't seem to sink anything today. I wonder what's wrong.
(When suddenly, Mr. Scott of the Starship Enterprise pops out!) Scott: Why
laddy it's your shoes! Ya can't make a shot if you've got bad shoes.
Jordan: But I'm the best player in the world! I could make shots naked and
upside down!!!
Scott: Well don'ta blame a me! I'm just reading the cue card. Announcer: YES!
Even MICHAEL JORDAN *HIMSELF* can't seem to make a shot in these horrible
imitation shoes. But with the pump, ... (Suddenly Larry King appears)
King: Come on now! This is getting ridiculous! We haven't even asked the man
what his underwear size is.
Scott: It's a *SHOE* commercial!
King: You can't very well walk around with no underwear can you? (When
suddenly, Wesley appeared. Naked.)
Wes: GUESS AGAIN!
All present: AGGGGH!!!!!
(When suddenly, a cruel twist of fate let a lighting strike hit your Television
set, or maybe that's just a pirate cutting in..) -=-
(We can see Robert struggling and then finally opening his eyes after a
blisfull slumber, he pops a Micro-Magic(TM) fry into his mouth and starts to
talk to himself like the lunatic he is.) Robert: What an odd dream, me- Robert
Brayer- writing parodies. I'm an accountant for heaven's sakes. We're NOT
FUNNY!
Announcer: The United Union Of Accountants would like to apologize for the
previous crude remarks about our kind. We assure you that the horrible badtalk
about our sense of humor is merely exaggerated. Robert: Wait a second! That
wasn't a dream! I always have cheesy apologies in my parodies! My lord! I've
gone and destroyed the Enterprise...what can I possibly do to redeem myself!
The last guy
that did that also killed Kirk's son... maybe if I kill Kirk..no.. maybe if I
stop doing so many cameos?
(Everyone in the universe): YEAAH!!! GET OUT OF THIS THING! Robert: Fine I'll
just be here *WRITING* This thing! See if *I* care! (Robert magically disappers
with a puff of pot, er smoke)
Announcer: We at the National Association against the mention of any sort of
drug in a humorous article would like to apologize for-Jordan: Hey man nice
shoes!
(Jordan grabs the shoes! He can dunk again!)
Announcer: YES! With Dork-A-Dunk you too can dunk like Michael Jordan! It's
because our shoes are remote control and if anyone gets in your way you can
just press the patened "kill your
opponents" button and blast them into the far reachs of space! Cuz with DORK A
DUNK-
Jordan & Scotty: You will *NOT* implode.
-=-
SCENE V
Picard: Was that my imagination or we did we just all die in a horrible
unexplained explosion?
Riker: Probably your imagination, Robert would only IMPLODE Not explode...it's
against his nature
(We hear a low snickering that quickly goes away)
Data: Ok so let us do our job..
(They all leave and enter Riker's cabin)
-=-
SCENE VI- (RIKER'S CABIN!)
Ro: What are all these pictures of nude women doing on these walls? Why am *I*
one of them!!?!? HEY!!!
Riker: Er..that's not you...that's your stunt double.
Ro: Oh ok, she's a slut anyhow.
Troi: I haven't said it yet all parody, I'm due so just say it with me...
All but WORF: HE'S HIDING SOMETHING!!!
Riker: This time I am. But it's just some toilet paper I left under the bed...
Data: NO!!! YOU ARE GIVING ME FLASHBACKS!!
Worf: <Groan> Me too..
(Riker lies down in bed)
Riker: Now now..I'm going to try and sleep, does anyone want to sing me a
lullaby?
Worf: <Ahem>.... A one for the money....<Grunt>
Troi: NO! I want to make him watch local television USED CAR ads ! Picard:
Angry mob aren't we? Can't we just hit him over the head with a sledgehammer?
Data: It is far more efficent this way.
Geordi: How's that?
Data: Draws out this thing more..we're not even at 250 yet! Crusher: I would
just like to say..hey..who's running the bridge!? -=-
SCENE VII
Guinan: Go left! NO ! GO RIGHT!! AGHHH
Scaredtodeath: I'm doing the best I can.. but I'm..ssscarred... O'Brien: You
would be to if you were in the Barbed Wire Of Death asteroid field.
Scaredtodeath: (Faints) Ow.
Guinan: Oh great there goes one of our only officers, now Alexander will have
to take the helm!
Alexander: I'm only 6! Er 10! Whatever, I grow fast in this thing! Guinan: So
you're better then..the alternative...
All: You don't mean!?
Guinan: Yes.
All: It can't be!
Guinan: Yes!
All: WHO!!??
Guinan: Weenie Of Borg.
Weenie: YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED! YOU WILL BE FORCED TO LEARN TO SPELL
ASSYMILIATED CORRECTLY!
Alexander: Ok ok, I'm going already...what does this button do..? All: NO!!!
Alexander: Neat.
Computer: Ship will self-destruct in 2 minutes. Put yer head between your legs
and kiss-
Picard: What in Roddenberry's name is going on up there!?
Guinan: We're going to become space dust in 2 minutes.
Picard: Oh ok.. it already happened once today, how bad could it be? Riker: I'm
trying to SLEEP here!
Ro: Oh sorry.
-=-
SCENE VIII
(In Riker's dream sequence)
Riker: lallala...what a beautiful day....aggh!!!
(Suddenly big ugly aliens drag Riker off and strap him into a chair) Riker:
What are you going to do to me!?
(The aliens force him down a row of various salads and salad dressings, right
as he passes the brocoli he screams)
Riker: We of couse will *NOT* take that opportunity to make a really bad George
Bush joke. We will take this opportunity to scream...HELP MEE!!!!!!!
(Riker is beamed out, and of course the entire place explodes) Picard: We'd
like to applaud this parody for having two EXplosions and very few implosions
and end it with a sad note, it seems that Michael Jordan can still dunk even
without good shoes. We'd like to apologize to our sponsors for shooting us.
-=-
Announcer: And so ends another parody, look next week for a Q
parody, always hard to do as Q is wacky and zany on his own quite fine thank
you very much.
Q: Why thank you, I'd just like to plug my next show. Watch it. Announcer: And
I'd like to plug the end of the world, coming October 28th, 1992. Er.. make
that October 31st. Bye!
-=-
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