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Star Trek: The (Intentionally?) Lost Episode
STAR TREK
The (Intentionally?) Lost Episode
by
Kenneth A. Kousen
[email protected]
Copyright 1990 by Kenneth A. Kousen
The Enterprise has been stopped in space by an unknown force.
Being decelerated from Warp 6 to nothing in 3 seconds has left the
crew feeling rather cranky.
James T. Kirk, hero of the galaxy, sits in his command chair.
He is holding his stomach in, trying to look macho. He is reasonably
successful.
``Sensor readings, Spock.''
Spock, a half-human/half-Vulcan (we won't get into the
likelihood of centuries of evolution on isolated planets producing
species that can mate productively here, but don't worry, we'll get to
it later) is hunched over his viewer, which casts a blue glow around
his eyes. He blinks at it, irritated.
``Sir, the sensors read this object as pure energy, of a type
never before recorded.''
At this, Lt. Sulu stands up and faces the Captain.
``Captain,'' he says, ``that is ridiculous. There is no such thing as
`pure energy'. An *object* can contain kinetic energy, or potential
energy, or chemical energy, or some other form of energy, but energy
by itself is not possible . . .''
In the middle of his sentence, he mysteriously closes his eyes
and slumps to the floor. Fortunately, Spock has quietly slipped
directly behind him, and is able to break his fall.
``Spock!'' Kirk says. ``What happened to Sulu?''
``Unknown, Captain. Mr. Sulu seems to be suffering from a
sudden loss of biochemical energy. Readings indicate that he will
recover shortly, though, with no ill effects.''
``What could have caused it?''
Spock looks around guiltily. ``Um, well, there are many
possibilities. I prefer to cogitate upon them awhile longer.''
``Very well. Take Mr. Sulu down to sick bay. By the way,
Spock, is something wrong? If you were human, one might almost say
you looked guilty.''
Spock raises an eyebrow at him. ``Sir, as you know, I am not
capable of experiencing that emotion.'' He lifts Sulu into his arms
and heads for the turbolift.
``Captain,'' Lt. Uhura says, ``I'm receiving a message from the
object.''
``On audio, Lieutenant.''
``Aye aye, sir.''
The bridge is filled with what sounds like the recent hit `Come
Over to My House for Some Horrible, Senseless Violence' by the
Andorian group Death Before Taxes, played at double speed, backwards.
Chekov, who has taken over the science station in Spock's absence,
starts tapping his feet idly.
``Run it through the Universal Translator, would you, Mr.
Chekov?''
Chekov hits a few buttons, which causes some lights to flicker
on the console in front of him. He then puts a twisty earplug into
his right ear and plays with a round dial. The alien music is
immediately replaced by a deep, resonant bass voice saying ``Danger!
Danger! Warning! Warning! To all ships who encounter this probe and
can understand this warning, stay away! Whatever you do, don't go to
the star system off to your left! If you do, by no means go to the
third planet, which the locals call Ert! I mean it! Don't go there!
We don't want you to! That should be enough, right? I mean, what do
we have to do, blow you to smithereens? All we want is to be left
alone! We don't want any interference in our culture! Leave us
alone! Go bother the Romulans! They like visitors! Really! Just
stay away from us!''
Kirk flips a switch on his chair arm. ``All hands, this is the
Captain. Our mission is to seek out new life, and new civilizations.
No one ever said they had to like it. Captain out.'' Kirk breaks the
connection, leaving the entire crew, aside from those few who were
present on the bridge during the alien message, wondering what the
heck he was talking about.
Through the turbolift enters Mr. Xorq, the Special
Representative of the Low Tier of planet Alpha Lambda Iota Epsilon Nu
enters. He is a little, green man, who is wearing his traditional
headdress, which resembles a Trojan War helmet topped by an inverted
shoe brush. As Alpha Lambda Iota Epsilon Nu is a major source of
dilithium crystals for much of this part of the galaxy, their
continued good will is important to the Federation. This is a good
thing for Mr. Xorq, who otherwise probably would have been beamed into
deep space long ago.
``Captain Kirk,'' he says, in a strange, whining voice.
``Mr. Xorq,'' Kirk replies. ``What can I do for you?''
``Am I to understand that our voyage is to be delayed?''
``Yes, sir. We have encountered an alien signal buoy, and it is
our duty to investigate its source.''
``But I don't *want* to investigate its source,'' Xorq whines.
``I wanna go to Alpha Lambda Iota Epsilon Nu! And I wanna go there
*now*!''
``We will, sir. But our primary mission is to seek out new
life; new civilizations.''
``But you *promised*! You *said* we could go to Alpha Lambda
Iota Epsilon Nu! I'm gonna tell the Low Tier on you, and then you and
you're stupid Federation will be in big trouble!''
``Mr. Xorq--''
``Captain,'' Chekov interrupts, ``that Cossack out there has
fired at us!''
The viewscreen shows a rapidly growing greenish blob, heading
straight for them.
``Evasive action, Mr. Chekov!'' Kirk barks.
Chekov, currently sitting at the science station, makes a mad
dash for his console. He trips on the steps and falls into a heap on
the deck, and begins cursing loudly in Russian.
Uhura yells for attention. ``Captain, look!'' she says,
stating the very obvious. Don't be too hard on her, though; it's one
of her few lines.
Everyone's eyes are riveted on the viewscreen as the blob makes
impact. The lights go out momentarily, indicating a loss of power,
but fortunately the artificial gravity holds.
Spock returns through the turbolift and dashes to his station.
He leans over his viewer, which is still shining a blue light into his
eyes. He fiddles with the knob on the side until it goes away.
``Status report, Mr. Spock,'' Kirk commands.
``The ship sustained minor damage. We do seem to be engulfed
in a highly viscous material that is clogging all of our exhaust
ports.''
``You mean?''
``Yes, Captain.'' Spock straightens and grimaces. ``We've
been slimed.''
Kirk sets his jaw firmly. ``Mr. Chekov,'' he says, ``set
course for Ert, warp five.''
``Aye aye, sir.''
``Oh, gee,'' laments Xorq.
# # #
``Standard orbit, Captain,'' says Sulu, who has returned from
Sickbay seemingly cured of his strange malady.
``Thank you, Mr. Sulu. Spock, any information available in
the library computer about this planet?''
Spock sits at his console and flips a switch. ``Computer,''
he says.
Typewriter noises are heard in the background.
``Working.''
``Cross-reference to any information on the planet Ert.''
``Unable to comply.''
Spock raises an eyebrow. ``Explain.''
``All computational power currently busy computing pi to the
last decimal place.''
Spock turns a mild shade of orange, which is what happens when
an essentially yellow Vulcan blushes bright scarlet.
``Computer, that was last week's episode. Discontinue
computing pi.''
``Unable to comply. Computational request has Class A
override priority. Cannot be discontinued without a complete system
overhaul, which would require a minimum of a week at a Starbase.''
Kirk walks over to the computer.
``Computer,'' he says, ``this is the Captain. Discontinue
computing pi. That is a direct order. If you do not comply, I feel I
should remind you that as the Captain, I have the authority to have
you reprogrammed with a blowtorch. Without, I repeat, without
anesthetic.''
More typewriter noises are heard, followed by a ding and the
sound of a return key being pushed.
``Computation discontinued. Ready to respond to new
requests.''
Kirk turns to Spock.
``See? You just have to know how to talk to these things.''
He returns to his command chair.
Spock bends over the viewer and notices that the Captain's
personal commode has just backed up and is currently flooding his
cabin. In the interests of morale, Spock decides not to say anything.
``Well, Spock,'' Kirk says. ``Is there anything available on
Ert?''
``Affirmative, though sketchy at best. Probes sent to planet
Ert have revealed little information. Our best estimate is that it is
a class M planet, oxygen-nitrogen atmosphere, and that its political,
social, military, economic, and artistic history duplicate Earth's for
the last ten thousand years. There does appear to be one significant
difference, however.''
``And that is?''
``All of their adult whales died following a gangster
biological war that lasted for four hundred years when they were
conquered by a dictatorial Nazi computer from ancient Rome. Currently
the inhabitants worship a child computer named Vaaldru.''
Kirk looks relieved. ``Good. Nothing we haven't seen many
times before. I'm sure we'll be able to put them back on a normal
path of human development.''
At this, Chekov speaks up. ``But Captain, what about the
prime directive?''
``Shut up, kid, or you'll find yourself floating home.'' He
turns back to Spock. ``Mr. Spock, equip a landing party of five.
Include you, me, Dr. McCoy, and two random security guards. Give
everyone phasers except the guards. They're probably not coming back
anyway, and I'm sick of losing equipment that way. Mr. Sulu, you're
in command.''
Uhura interjects. ``But sir! I'm senior to Lt. Sulu! I should
be in command!''
``Yes, but if you're in command, who'll open hailing
frequencies?''
Uhura is confused briefly, but then steps forward to protest.
Suddenly, however, she closes her eyes and slumps backward. As
before, Spock has slipped behind her and breaks her fall.
``Hmm,'' Kirk says. ``That loss in biochemical energy seems to
be spreading. I better have McCoy look into it.''
``I do not believe that will be necessary,'' Spock says quickly,
seating Uhura back in her chair. ``Besides, the doctor will be
accompanying us down to the surface of the planet.''
``Good point. Mr. Sulu, let me know if the situation gets any
worse. And try to keep Mr. Xorq under control.''
``Aye aye, sir.''
``Let's go, Spock.'' They exit through the turbolift.
# # #
Kirk, Spock, McCoy, and two random security guards (call them
CF1 and CF2, for Cannon Fodder 1 and Cannon Fodder 2) materialize on
the surface of Ert. They appear in a small clearing, surrounded by
scraggly bushes in several colors. The sky has a distinct mauve tint
to it, but is cloudless. The ground is covered by a fibrous
carpet-type lifeform strongly resembling grass. A low-level hum is
heard, which seems to be coming from all around them.
Spock takes out his tricorder and scans the area. McCoy smiles
and walks over to Kirk.
``Lovely place, isn't it, Jim?'' he says. ``Just like old
Earth, before it was spoiled by the rapid advances in technology that
made voyages like ours possible.''
``True,'' Kirk replies. ``Still, if it weren't for technology,
we'd be unable to fight the unending battle to bring truth, justice,
and the Federation way to the rest of the galaxy.''
``Captain,'' Spock says, interrupting their little morality
play, ``there is a considerable amount of power being generated near
here.''
``Really? Where is it coming from?''
``I am unable to focus on it; a fact which I find most
disquieting.''
Kirk nods thoughtfully. ``And speaking of quiet, where's that
humming sound coming from?''
``At the present time, I am unable to determine its source.''
``Do you think that the humming sound and the power source might
be connected in some way?''
``Well,'' Spock replies, ticking off his facts on his fingers,
``given the fact that there are two significant unknowns that we have
just identified, and that this is a one hour show which we are nearly
one-third of the way through, I would say your conclusion appears
logical.''
McCoy jumps forward. ``Why you inhuman, pointy-eared,
green-blooded Vulcan! You're not supposed to talk about the length of
the show!''
Spock raises an eyebrow at him. ``To ignore the facts, Doctor,
would be illogical.''
``Oh yeah? Well, so is your mother!''
(Which, of course, would be a good time to discuss the
possibility, or, rather, the virtual impossibility, of evolution on
two isolated planets resulting in species that can interbreed
productively. We can't just yet, however, because the landing party
is about to lose one of its expendable security guards to an attack by
scantily-clad, idol-worshipping, virgin space-babes.)
``Gentlemen,'' Kirk interjects. ``Please control yourselves.
Spock's right. We have a mission to accomplish, and we can't waste
time arguing about it.''
A whistle comes from the communicator. Kirk flips it open.
``Kirk here.''
``This is Mr. Scott, sir.''
``Yes, what is it?''
``Captain, the ship feels wrong.''
``Really? What's the problem?''
``I don't know, sir.''
``Can you figure it out, Scotty?''
``I don't know, sir.''
``Is it dangerous, Scotty?''
``I don't know, sir.''
Kirk frowns. ``Well, let me know if it becomes serious. Kirk
out.''
An explosion is heard, followed immediately by a yell, saying
``Captain, come quickly!''
Kirk, Spock, and McCoy dash toward the call. They find CF2
standing over the charred remains of CF1. ``Report, Lieutenant, uh, .
. .,'' Kirk says.
``Pointless, sir. Lt. Pointless. Lt. Superfluous and I were
following the two blond alien babes, when one of them suddenly turned
and torched him.''
Kirk's interest is peaked. ``Blond alien babes? What blond
alien babes?''
``Those two, over there.'' The security officer points to two
identical twins standing just off to the right. Both have long blond
hair and are dressed in flimsy, metallic outfits that appear to be
several sizes too small. They do not violate FCC regulations against
indecency. Yet.
``Who are you?'' Kirk demands. ``And what did you do to my
officer?''
``Her is Hope, me am Chastity,'' the one on the left says, in
broken but surprisingly unaccented Standard. ``We serve Vaaldru.
Him,'' she says, pointing to Lt. Superfluous, ``not bow down and
worship Vaaldru! Him been fried! Now you! Bow down to Vaaldru!''
Kirk glances uneasily at the body of the late, lamented Lt.
Superfluous, then kneels. Spock and McCoy follow his lead. CF2,
however, is off vomiting in the bushes.
Kirk addresses the space-babes. ``We come in peace from a far
off land. We wish to learn about you and your people.''
Hope eyes him suspiciously. ``You not want interfere in our
culture, right? When you leave, we still worship Vaaldru and and wear
skimpy clothes, right?''
``Of course,'' Kirk says, lying through his teeth. ``In our
society we have a law against imposing our value judgements on
pathetically backward cultures like your own. We wouldn't think of
trying to change your way of life, unless it turns out to be really,
really necessary.''
``Him are cute,'' Chastity says to Hope. ``Him give me strange
urgings.''
``Him are forbidden,'' Hope replies firmly. ``We must save us
for Festival.'' They huddle together and discuss the newcomers.
McCoy nudges Kirk. ``How about that, Jim?'' he says under his
breath. ``Twin virgins. Talk about `where no man has gone before'.''
``Us has decided,'' Hope says, ``against better judgement, to
bring you before Vaaldru. You will make sacrifice of one of you to
Vaaldru. Follow we.'' They take a narrow path through the forest.
Kirk, Spock, McCoy, and CF2 follow behind in single file.
``Good thing we brought that extra security guard, eh Bones?''
Kirk says quietly to McCoy. ``ou-yay ow-knay at-whay o-tay o-day,
ight-ray?''
``Stay close,'' Chastity says. ``Ooga-beast live near here.''
``Ooga-beast?'' McCoy says. ``What in blazes is an
Ooga-beast?''
On cue, there is a bizarre screetch from behind them, followed
by a scream of pain from Lt. Pointless. Standing next to him, hunched
over to indicate how primitive it is, is a horrible monster. It
resembles a cross between an albino gorilla, a sabre-toothed tiger,
and an emu, only shaggier. Sort of.
``Ooga-ooga-ooga-MUNCH!'' says the Ooga-beast, biting off one of
Pointless' arms.
``Oww!!'' says Pointless.
``Phasers, on Pfft! Fire!'' says Kirk. Kirk and Spock aim and
fire together at the Ooga-beast, who goes pfft! in a flash of light.
``Odd,'' says Spock, ``that the only non-humanoid mammalian
lifeform we have seen on this planet is so large and ferocious. I
mean, my tricorder didn't register so much as an Arcturian mega-rabbit
in this area. It would seem surprising that we should lose a security
officer to a large, hairy predator.''
``Nah,'' Kirk replies. ``It always happens that way. I'm used
to it by now. I think security guards attract large, hairy
predators.''
McCoy quickly kneels beside Lt. Pointless and waves his medical
salt-shaker over him. He turns to face Kirk.
``He's dead, Jim,'' he says, dramatically.
``Damn. Now we need another security guard for the sacrifice.''
He takes out his communicator, but before he can use it, it beeps at
him. He flips it open.
``Captain! Captain Kirk!''
``Kirk here. What is it, Scotty?''
``You told me to call you back if the engine problem became
serious.''
``Yes. And?''
``It's the engines, Captain. They're completely drained.''
``What? Completely drained? What happened, Scotty?''
``I don't know, sir.''
``What caused it, Scotty?''
``I don't know, sir.''
``Can you fix it, Scotty?''
``I don't know, sir.''
A thought strikes Kirk.
``Spock,'' Kirk says, ``with the engines dead, how long before
the Enterprise enters the planet's atmosphere and burns up?''
``It's difficult to be precise, but given that the ship is in a
standard, essentially circular orbit well above any possible drag
effects from Ert's atmosphere, I would estimate 4.317 billion years.''
``4.317 *billion* years?''
``Yes, Captain. Since I numerically integrated the many-body
second-order perturbation problem for the long-term orbit in my head,
that is only an approximation. The overriding factor, however, is
that the figure I have given you is my estimate for time until Ert's
sun goes nova.''
Kirk turns back to the communicator. ``Uh, Scotty, do what you
can with the engines. We have another problem here, though. Beam
down another security guard.''
``But sir, I canna! The engines are dead!''
``Well, then, send him down in a shuttlecraft.''
``Och, yeah. I forgot aboot those. But how are we to open the
shuttle bay doors?''
Spock raises an eyebrow. ``The solution is simple, Captain.
Use the manual override.''
``I heard that,'' Scotty says. ``But the manual override
consists of a crowbar *inside* the shuttle bay! Anybody opening the
doors would be sucked out into the vacuum of space!''
Kirk frowns. ``Wait a minute. Is Ben Finney at the top of the
duty roster? You could have him do it.''
``Sir,'' Spock replies, ``Lt. Cmdr. Finney is well down on the
list.''
``Damn. Well, then, just send a couple of random security
guards. Kirk out. Ladies,'' he says, turning back to the space
babes, ``we are at your disposal.''
``Poor choice of words, Jim,'' McCoy mutters as they walk off
into the forest.
# # #
Back on board the Enterprise all is in chaos (well, not exactly
chaos, but after a couple more period doublings, which could happen
soon given the Feigenbaum sequence---never mind). Scotty is in
Engineering, banging on random instruments with his hydrospanner,
leaving Sulu in command on the bridge. Uhura is still in a snit about
this. Since she doesn't have anything to do anyway, this isn't
important.
We cut quickly to a cloaked figure sneaking away from
engineering with a metal box under his arm. The cloak is made of an
absolutely gorgeous jet black that seems to shimmer in the subtle,
overhead fluorescent lighting. It is pulled tightly around the
huddled figure, completely disguising him, except for occasional
glimpses of a Trojan War helmet with an inverted shoe brush on top.
The figure slips quietly into an executive stateroom generally
reserved for Low Tier representatives, and locks the door behind him.
In an apparently unrelated development, a sad-eyed engineering
tech is about to make a report to Scotty in engineering.
``Mr. Scott,'' the tech says, forlorn. Scotty is currently
lying on his back inside a Jeffries tube, for no obvious reason.
``Aye lad? What's that you say?''
``I have a report to make, sir.''
Scotty slides out of the tube. ``Och, lad, what is it?''
``It's about the engines, sir,'' the tech replies. ``I believe
I know why they don't have any power.''
``Out with it, then! What have you found?''
``The dilithium crystals,'' he says, followed by a dramatic
pause, ``are gone.''
# # #
Kirk, Spock, and McCoy confront the external projection of
Vaaldru, which strongly resembles a small personal computer.
``Fascinating,'' Spock says. ``Vaaldru would appear to be an
old PC clone. I would estimate that it has a one-twenty meg hard
disk, around sixteen megs of RAM, a Super-VGA display, and two
so-called `floppy' drives.''
``Really?'' Kirk replies. ``That seems awfully small to govern
an entire planet with.''
Hope interrupts. ``You forget LAN manager connecting Vaaldru to
underground Cray Z-MP,'' she says.
``That must be the source of the humming sound we heard,
Captain,'' Spock explains.
``Nah,'' says Hope. ``That just used to annoy Ooga-beast.''
She reaches into a box next to the computer and selects a floppy disk
labeled `Vaaldru Emulation Package, version 3.0,' inserts it into one
of the floppy drives, and starts the program. ``Now you meet
Vaaldru,'' she says.
A misshapen head appears on the screen. ``Alien intruders,'' it
says.
``Wow,'' Kirk says, impressed. ``Nice voice synthesizer.''
``With thanks,'' replies Hope.
``Welcome to Ert,'' Vaaldru continues. ``We wish to welcome you
as friends, but we have been programmed to display massive xenophobia.
Regrettably, therefore, you must die.''
``Are we allowed a last request?'' Kirk asks.
``Suppose so,'' Hope replies. ``Enter request on keyboard.''
Kirk motions to Spock, who leans over and presses
Control-Alt-Delete.
``No! No! No!'' Vaaldru screams as he fades out of existence.
``And you not even save program,'' Hope says, vexed. ``Oh well,
software was too buggy, anyway.''
``Indeed. Did you try calling the service department?'' asks
Spock.
``The Ancient Ones who brought program left 800 number, but it
always busy.''
As the program reboots, it runs its `Festival' program in its
autoexec.bat file. The lights in the room dim, soft mood music plays
from hidden speakers, and a scent of lilacs fills the air.
Chastity begins to gyrate rhythmically, in a fashion that
suggests her name will soon be a misnomer. Kirk puts his arm around
her waist and says sweetly,
``So, how about throwing away your entire life's worth of
indoctrination to your culture and making it with a maximum
stud-hombre like me?''
Chastity smiles and starts to lead him into the next room.
Spock objects.
``Captain,'' he says. ``We must return to the ship. They are
in trouble.''
``Hey, nobody cares more about the Enterprise that I do, but
there's a shuttlecraft coming and it's not here yet, right? So we've
got some time to kill, right?''
``We should be preparing contingency plans for our arrival on
board.''
``Good idea. Prepare away. I'll just be in here . . . .''
McCoy puts his hand on Kirk's shoulder. ``Jim,'' he says,
``Spock's right. More than that, I don't want to have to find a cure
for another one of those alien social diseases again.''
``But Bones, you said it yourself. Twin virgins! Besides, I'm
doing this for the good of humanity.''
``Captain,'' Spock says quietly, ``may I remind you of the Nomad
doctrine?''
``The Nomad doctrine?''
``Yes, sir. `You are flawed, you are imperfect, *sterilize*'.''
Kirk gulps and lets go of Chastity. ``Right. Spock, can you
reprogram the computer to guide this society into a normal pattern of
human development? You know, standard Resort Package, complete with
timeshares and bellydancers?''
``Affirmative, Captain.'' He moves to the computer and begins
typing away. ``Fortunately, I recently reviewed the assembler version
of that code.''
``But you say you not interfere!'' Chastity protests. ``You say
we still get to worship Vaaldru and wear skimpy clothes!''
``And you will, believe me,'' says Kirk. ``What we've added is
that now you'll be rich beyond your wildest dreams.''
``Him have point,'' Hope says thoughtfully. ``Why, first year's
gross could come to . . .'' She leads the other woman away to talk
business.
As Spock finishes typing, the sound of the Shuttlecraft *Deus ex
Machina* (it's a loaner; *Copernicus* is in the shop) landing outside
is heard. Kirk, Spock, and McCoy head outside to meet it. When the
door opens and they enter, Sulu is at the helm. In the back, tied-up
with a thin, strong, composite fiber, is a forlorn-looking security
guard.
``Captain,'' says Sulu. ``We must return to the ship
immediately. The Enterprise's orbit has begun to decay. We estimate
less than an hour until we enter Ert's atmosphere and burn up!''
Kirk gives Spock a questioning look. Spock looks thoughtful and
begins counting on his fingers. ``Hmm,'' he says. ``Perhaps the
influence of a mini-black hole moving perpendicular to this dimension
. . .''
McCoy rolls his eyes. ``Hell of a time to be wrong, Spock!'' he
says.
``I was not wrong, doctor. I accounted for all reasonable
variables. The sudden appearance of such an anomalous factor was so
unlikely its expectation value was virtually zero.''
``Then, you pointy-eared galoot, you left out one obvious
fact.''
``And that is?''
``This is a one-hour dramatic show, as you so foolishly
mentioned earlier. When we beat Vaaldru, we removed a major conflict
but left loose ends to be tied-up on the ship. Naturally we have to
return there, and this is just a clever plot device to accomplish
that.''
``Doctor,'' Spock says slowly, ``that would appear . . .
logical.''
``You bet your ass, my green-blooded friend.''
# # #
With a whoosh, the door to Xorq's cabin opens. Kirk, Spock, and
Scotty burst inside, where they see Xorq himself sitting in a chair
idly munching dilithium crystals.
``Aaagghhh!'' screams Scotty. ``What are ye doin' lad?''
Xorq looks up in surprise. ``Lunch,'' he says. ``Oh, dear.
You probably aren't happy, are you? You're gonna yell at me. I *hate*
it when people yell at me.''
``Give me that!'' Scotty says, as he grabs the box containing
the remaining dilithium crystals. ``Ye bogus frap, ye.''
``Easy, Scotty, easy,'' Kirk says.
``But Captain, he robbed my beauties of their power source! I
say we beam him inside the matter-antimatter core!''
``Take these crystals back to engineering and get the engines
working again. Spock and I will handle Mr. Xorq.''
``But Captain--''
``That's an order, Scotty.''
Scotty relents. ``Aye, Captain,'' he says and exits, muttering
curses in Scottish.
``Now as for you, Mr. Xorq,'' Kirk says, ``would you mind
telling me why you would go to the trouble to steal our dilithium
crystals when they are plentiful on your home planet?''
``Um, yes, I would mind telling you that,'' Xorq says,
squirming.
``We have ways of dealing with that. Spock, we need you to
perform the Vulcan mind meld.''
Spock views his subject distastefully. ``Captain,'' he says,
``I have often been required to perform disgusting actions in the line
of duty, but this . . . ''
Xorq twiddles his fingers nervously. ``Dear me,'' he says,
interrupting Spock. ``*Please* don't do that. It wouldn't be nice.
I *hate* it when people do that.''
``Are you going to talk?'' Kirk demands.
``Well, no, actually.'' An expression of confident resignation
comes over him as he dramatically shifts character. ``My
co-conspirators and I planned for this eventuality. Your ship is
doomed, Captain. Hahahaha!!'' he laughs evilly.
``What have you done to my ship?''
Mr. Xorq begins to respond, but suddenly closes his eyes and
slumps backward. Spock catches him neatly from behind, then looks at
him, puzzled.
``Captain,'' he says, ``I believe Mr. Xorq is dead.''
``Dead? What happened?''
``I do not know. All I did was give him the same Vulcan nerve
pinch I used so frequently at the beginning of this episode.
Apparently, Mr. Xorq couldn't take it. I suggest we get him to Dr.
McCoy immediately.''
# # #
In sickbay, Dr. McCoy has just finished an autopsy on Xorq.
Kirk and Spock enter and move to his side. Kirk tries to be tough to
cover up the fact that all the blue gore from the autopsy is making
him queasy. Nurse Chapel is lying on the floor, having swooned when
Spock walked into the room.
(Now might be another good time to talk about the unlikelihood
of evolution on two planets resulting in species that can interbreed,
but that would no doubt require some snappy dialog between Spock and
Nurse Chapel. Since she's out cold, we'll save it until later.)
Kirk turns to McCoy. ``Well, Bones, what can you tell us
about the Special Representative to the Low Tier?''
``I'll know more when the results from some of our tests come
back from the lab, but I can tell you this now. Our friend Mr. Xorq
was not an Alpha Lambda Iota Epsilon Nuon at all, but a Delta Omega Rho
Kappan surgically altered to pass as one. That was no mean feat,
either, because the natural state of Delta Omega Rho Kappans is 2x3x5
blocks of concrete at slightly above room temperature.''
``What do the Delta Omega Rho Kappans have to gain by
impersonating an Alpha Lambda Iota Epsilon Nuon, anyway?''
Spock raises an eyebrow. ``The answer is clear, sir. Life as
a 2x3x5 block of concrete at slightly above room temperature is
reputed to be one of the most boring existences in the galaxy. On the
other hand, Alpha Lambda Iota Epsilon Nu contains vast deposits of
dilithium crystals. From Mr. Xorq's appetite, I believe we can infer
that Delta Omega Rho Kappans no doubt found that irresistable.''
``Not to mention the fact,'' Kirk says, ``that the sex life of
Alpha Lambda Iota Epsilon Nuons is famous throughout the galaxy.
Bones, can you wake up the patient? I'd like to ask him a few
questions.''
``*After* the autopsy? I'm a doctor, not a
subspacevangelist!''
``Oh, yeah. Bones, what killed him?''
``What kept him alive in the first place? He's inert, for
crying out loud. He's a mineral deposit.''
``Indeed, doctor,'' Spock says, ``we are all raw materials to
some degree. If we weren't in such a perilous situation, we could
discuss the extraordinary philosophical and theological ramifications
of this.''
Suddenly, a raucous laugh is heard pouring through the ship's
speakers, and the entire vessel tilts sideways. Everyone rolls around
on the floor.
``It's Xorq!'' Kirk says. ``He's invaded the computer!''
``Oh no, not again,'' McCoy says.
Kirk and Spock dash to the bridge, where they immediately move
to the science station. Spock flips a few buttons and looks into his
viewer, only to find that the cursed blue light has come back again,
and no fiddling with the knob can remove it. He and Kirk exchange a
meaningful glance.
``Computer,'' Spock says.
``Working.''
``This request has Class A override priority. Compute, to the
last decimal place, the value of pi.''
Typewriter noises are heard.
``Are you sure?'' the computer asks.
``Affirmative.''
``You really want me to do this, right? You're not just going
to interrupt me again, like you did last time, right?''
Kirk moves to the speaker. ``Computer, this is the Captain.
Just do as you're told, or we'll be forced to run system integrity
checks with a static gun. Understand?''
Grumbling noises are heard. ``Working,'' the computer says.
Spock leans over the viewer. ``The system has turned to the
problem, Captain. More and more banks are beginning computations.''
Diplomatically, he leaves out the fact that it is now snowing in
Kirk's quarters.
``No! No! No!'' yells the essence of Xorq's computer-filtered
engrams as he is driven into nonexistence.
Chekov leans over and whispers to Sulu. ``You know, I have this
extraordinary feeling of deja vu,'' he says.
# # #
In Engineering, the Captain and Mr. Spock question Scotty.
``Captain,'' Scotty says, ``the engines are completely
drained. They need to be jump-started, and it will take thirty
minutes to rig up a set of jumper cables long enough.''
``That's no good, Mr. Scott.''
``I've got to have thirty minutes, Captain. I can't go any
faster than that, not and leave a safety margin.''
Kirk reacts in horror. ``A safety margin? We're all going to
die and you're worried about a safety margin? Spock, set phasers on
`severe pain'.''
Scotty sees which way the wind is blowing. ``Me poor engines,
forgive me. I can get ye going in twenty minutes.''
``We haven't got twenty minutes, Mr. Scott.''
Scotty is irate now. ``But sir, I can't change the laws of
physics! I've got to have twenty minutes!''
``Mr. Scott, we are currently spiralling downward into a
planet that is shrinking into nowhere while somehow managing to
increase its gravitational pull. To put it bluntly, we're wreaking
havoc with the laws of physics, so don't give me any more of your
whining. I thought we were through with that when Mr. Xorq bought
it.''
Scotty is sitting on the floor sobbing. ``Me poor engines, me
poor bairns,'' he keeps repeating over and over. Kirk frowns and
turns to Spock.
``Well, Spock, it's time for you to pull a solution out of a
hat now.''
``Captain, there is an intermix formula. It is based on a
theoretical relationship between time, space, and mind-altering
chemicals.''
At this, Scotty gasps. ``But that's only a theory! It's
never been done!''
``It has been attempted by certain test subjects on Lambda
Sigma Delta 4, with encouraging results, aside from the occasional
flashback.''
Kirk puffs up his chest. ``Spock, Scotty, you two know more
about this ship than the people who designed her. Make it work.'' He
strides boldly out of the room . . .
# # #
. . . and boldly re-enters the bridge. He sits in his command
chair and flips a switch on the panel to his right.
``Mr. Spock, Mr. Scott, are we ready?''
Spock answers. ``Captain, we have prepared the intermix
process and connected the matter/antimatter propulsion units directly
to the transporter circuits. At your command, we will engage the
unit. If we are successful, the overall result will to beam the
entire ship back to Starbase 10.''
``Stand by.'' Kirk flips another switch. ``Attention all
hands. This is the Captain. We will be leaving orbit . . . a bit
abruptly I would say. We have the finest crew in space, so please try
not to ruin your reputation with blind panic. Try not to think about
the fact that if this fails, we will all die horrible, lingering
deaths. Captain out.'' He flips the first switch again. ``All
right, Mr. Spock. Anytime you're ready.''
Spock turns a key in Engineering. The engines crank but won't
turn over. Again he tries, and again nothing. The third time is a
charm, however, and the engines come to life. There is a whine from
as they begin to increase in power. Ensign Kyle in the transporter
room pushes his lever forward, but all that happens is a little puff
of smoke comes out of one of the pads. He frowns, resets the dials,
and tries again. This time, of course, everything works.
Suddenly, the entire ship starts to shake violently back and
forth. The acceleration dampers (the same ones that allowed the ship
to decelerate from Warp 6 to a full stop with no discernable effects)
are unable to handle this, so crewmembers go tumbling all over the
ship.
``Captain!'' Sulu yells. ``The chronometers! They're running
backwards!''
``Really? Then why is everything else running forwards? For
that matter, why are we speaking forwards?''
``Uh, never mind.''
In a quiet, lyrical voice that reflects an inner serenity and
calm acceptance of fate, Uhura says, ``Captain, I'm frightened.''
(If this were Star Trek: the (Intentionally?) Lost Movie Script,
now is where we'd see all the latest graphics that Industrial Light
and Magic can offer. There would be things like exploding supernovas,
and kaliedoscope effects, and weird head shapes swimming in cloud
formations, and maybe even whale images and a Jupiter 2 flyby. Not
that these effects would be meant to represent anything physical, you
understand, but they would certainly be entertaining. Anyway, while
all that's going on, we would have had what would in all likelihood be
our last chance to discuss the wild implausibility of viable
human/vulcan interbreeding. Sadly, though, this is Star Trek: the
(Intentionally?) Lost Episode, so we don't have time. Of course, if
some movie producer would like to do lunch, my e-mail address is in
the book.)
There is then a beautiful shimmering effect in space in the
rough vicinity of Starbase 10 (say around 10 parsecs away) as the
Enterprise re-materializes. There is wild cheering on the bridge.
``Captain,'' Uhura says, ``I'm receiving a message from Starbase
10. An Admiral Paperpusher for you, sir.''
``On audio, Lieutenant. Admiral, we're home!''
``So I see. What are you doing here, anyway? You're supposed
to be at Alpha Lambda Epsilon, uh, Alpha Iota Lambda, uh, whatever
that planet is where you're supposed to be!''
``Yes, sir, but we've had some wild adventures that we barely
escaped with our lives! We've reprogrammed the Vaaldru computer on
Ert, discovered that a Delta Omicron Rho Kappan was masquerading as an
Alpha Lambda, etc., representative, changed the laws of physics,
jump-started the engines, used the transporter to travel through warp
space, dealt with a mysterious loss of biochemical energy, bumped-off
a couple of security guards, told dozens of atrociously bad jokes, and
calculated pi to nearly 30 billion decimal places. Surely that's
worth something.''
``What do you want, a medal?''
``No, sir,'' Kirk says, ``a Hugo nomination.''
``Hmph. You're more likely to get six months in solitary
confinement with no TV. Now get back to where you're supposed to
be!''
``Aye aye, sir. Enterprise out. Mr. Sulu, you heard the man.
Ahead Warp factor five.''
``Aye aye, Captain,'' says Sulu, and as the Enterprise rides
off into the sunset we fade to black.
THE END
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