The Lost Generation

by Chuan K. Chee

FLASH!!!

Would you believe... that ST:TNG is a ripoff?

Hard to believe, but true. Irwin Allen, of Lost In Space, Time Tunnel, and Land of the Giants fame has filed a lawsuit against Gene Roddenberry charging that he stole a script MR. Allen was commissioned to write for the 'then-proposed' Star Trek revival. Mr. Roddenberry supposedly returned the script unread, yet read the attached excerpts from Mr. Allen's script and see for yourself if it bears any resemblence to what we know know as ST:TNG.

[Scene opens with the newly commissioned SAUCER Class starship: U.S.S. Enterprise warping through space. Zoom in on the registration numbers: JUP-ITER2-D. Focus in on the bridge,as Captain John Luke Picardson records the log.]

Picardson: Captain's Log, stardate 7. The Enterprise has been sent on its maiden voyage to open negotiations with the planet ReallyFarPoint, at Alpha Centauri. We will meet up with my first officer, Don Riker, who is already on detachment at the base. This ship represents the finest technology the Federation has to offer. On board are many families, which will colonize far away planets. Boy, I love children.

[Picard turns off the log and turns to DATA the Robot, the almost human android who longs to be a real person]

Picardson: DATA, are we near ReallyFarPoint yet?

DATA: NEGATIVE, CAPTAIN PICARDSON. WE SHALL ARRIVE IN EXACTLY 8.2 SPACE HOURS.

[Suddenly, Zachery Troi, the empathic ship's Doctor, screams out.]

Troi: OH, The pain. The pain of it all. We are DOOMED!

Picardson: What's the problem now, Troi? You know, you really don't belong on the Bridge.

[The young navigator, Will Crusher, son of the Chief Medical Nurse, Maureen Crusher, reports to the captain. Young Crusher is the youngest person ever to serve on a starship. He's a super-genius. The captain thinks of him as if he was his own son. The captain has a bit of a crush on his mom.]

Will Crusher: Golly, sir. There's a really big power surge approaching.

DATA: DANGER! DANGER! ALIEN APPROACHING!

Troi: Oh, the pain!

[There is a sudden blinding light on the bridge, and a giant Carrot-Man is standing on the bridge.]

C: I am Carrot Man. You can call me C. I represent the Vegetable Continuum. You are tresspassing into our space. Go back. You will receive no further warning.

Picardson: We are on a peaceful, colonizing mission.

C: We don't want you furry mammals in our space anymore. Go away.

[C disappears]

Troi: You! Yar. You're security chief. Why didn't you kill that monster. He'll destroy us all!

[Judy Yar, security chief, looks uncertain. Tears begin to swell in her eyes.]

Picardson: That'll be enough, Troi! We are on a peaceful mission. Judy was right not to fire.

Troi: Well, I will assume we will be giving up this silly mission and returning to Earth.

Picardson: We are going on. We have crew members waiting for us at ReallyFarPoint.

Troi: But that hideous creature will destroy us!

Picardson: Well, to be safe, we'll detach the saucer section and put all of the women and children aboard. You're free to join them.

Will Crusher: But, sir! We can't detach!

Picardson: Why's that, son?

Will Crusher: Because the ship is just one big saucer, sir.

Picardson: Hmm. You're right. Then it's settled. On to ReallyFarPoint.

Troi: This isn't the last you'll here from me! I'm going to get something to eat. Come along, you bumbling boobie.

Picardson: Yes, DATA. Go along and keep the good doctor out of trouble.

DATA: WOE IS THE LIFE OF AN ANDROID!

Troi: Hurry along, you tin ninny. I have an excruciating back-ache.

[They depart down the turbo-lift]

Yar: Why do we put up with him, Captain?

Will: Golly. He's not so bad, once you get to know him.

Picardson: That'll be enough of that. Have you built that new super- anti-matter-converter for your mother yet?

Will: I'm still studying up on Quantum-anti-matter-physics sir. I should have it invented before dinner.

Picardson: Just don't forget to eat your dinner. You know how your mom gets upset when you skip your daily veggies.

C: VEGGIES??!!! That's the last straw! Face the wrath of the Vegitable Continuum!!

[All freeze as the voice booms across the bridge. Suddenly the ship lurches as it is thrown across the vast reaches of space!]

Will: I CAN'T GET CONTROL SIR! WE'RE MOVING AT INCREDIBLE SPEED!

[Picardson lunges for the intercom to call Chief Engineer Penny LaForge] Picardson : Penny! We're out of control. Can you stop us?

LaForge: EEEEEEEEEEEK!!!

[Suddenly the ship stops it's terrible momentum]

Picardson: Will, where are we?

Will: Unknown, sir. We are farther than any ship has travelled before.

Picardson: You mean we're...

Will: ...LOST IN HYPERSPACE!!!

Yar: EEEEEEEEEK!

[All look up at the screen to see a GIANT ship approaching. DATA appears on the bridge]

DATA: WARNING WARNING! DANGER, WILL CRUSHER!

Picardson: Why it looks like a...

[Suddenly a face appears on the screen]

Alien: Arrr, me maties. You be tresspassin' in Borg space. I'm Cap'n Tucker, the meanest Borg Pirate you'll ever meet. Prepare to be boarded and scuttled! Arr.

Troi: AAAIIIIEE! WE'RE DOOMED!

[Fade Out]

[Narrator's Voice over] Tune in next week to see the efforts of the space ship Enterprise as it trys to escape the dangers of outer space, and find it's way back to Alpha Centuri.

[Quick shot of First Officer Riker tapping his foot and looking at his watch]

Even if Picardson and his crew escape the Borg Pirates, they must still face the wrath of the Vegetable Continuum. C kidnaps Captain Picardson and sends him to a space zoo, while a mysterious alien trys to lure Doctor Troi into destroying the ship.

Alien: Pretty, handsome, pretty, Dr. Troi. Make ship go boom!

DATA: DANGER! DANGER!

[Fade out, roll credits]

Chilling, isn't it? Hard to see the differences! I hope they hang G.R., that plagerizing goon!