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Star Trek VIII
Filename: p.122
Category: Star Trek (tm) parodies
Title(s): Star Trek VIII
The Voyage Home: Episode 2
Author(s): David J. Young
Newsgroup: rec.arts.startrek
Poster: David J. Young
Date posted: 1990 08 27 18:38:27 GMT
First date published: 1990 08 27 18:38:27 GMT
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning there was a void.....a dark, absolute void...a place of
utter emptiness....
.and it was pretty quiet as well....
THEN...suddenly ....out of the blue came a voice....
"Space.....The final frontier...These are the voyages of the Starship
Enterprise....It's five year mission, to seek out new life and new
civilisation....to boldly go where no man has gone before..."
Woooo-oooo ...woo woo woo woo-eee-oooooo
Then something indeterminate flashed past at incredible speed...yes..it was
vax trek part 17....
___-___ o==o======= . . . . .
=========== ||//
\ \_|//__
#_______/
"Sulu, take us home....I'm dying for
a packet of wine gums"
Star Trek VIII, "The Voyage Home"
---------------------------------
Episode 2
---------
Captain's Log, Stardate Seven, Fifty-Nine point Nine Four
---------------------------------------------------------
We are now cruising at warp factor six in the Sirius Alpha Sector...
drinks are currently being served in .....Woops....I wonder what made me
say that? Anyway...All seems well with the ship and crew ..except for Spock
who seems to have developed some strange paranoia concerning tribbles.
Spock: "I have not..."
Jim: "Then why do you keep mentioning them every ten minutes.....For the last
time I tell you..There are NO tribbles on this ship anymore."
Spock: "..but Jim...."
Jim: "No buts Spock.....I'll not have my Science Officer indulging in petty
fantasies concerning small furry creatures.."
Spock: "You make it sound as though I LIKE them .......Quite the contrary..I
am merely trying to alert you to the fact that the ship will become
overrun by the little beggars if you don't take action NOW!"
Jim: "There's no need to start shouting at ME Spock..."
[..KERRRRUNCH! ...A sudden bum-shattering impact rocks the ship......
Picking themselves up off the floor of the bridge they all turn their gaze
towards Sulu....who is pretending not to notice, as he furiously fiddles
with his controls]
Jim: "....Admit it Sulu....playing about with those controls is a little
too late to make any difference....we've already hit the planet
haven't we?"
Sulu: "....emmm...well..be fair Captain, I almost got the undercarriage
down just before impact..."
Jim: [Yawning] "..alright alright...let's see what damage you've done..."
[Ten minutes later Kirk, Spock, Scotty, Sulu, and two guards stand outside
the ship inspecting the structural damage to the Enterprise's hull]
Jim: "Spock, don't stand there doing nothing, give us a tricorder reading
on the atmospheric content."
Spock: "Poisonous methane based atmosphere...Oxygen content 0%,...Unbreathable"
Jim: [grabbing frantically at his throat and choking violently] "..g..g..get
back on the ship now!!"
[They all stagger back on to the ship slam the outer airlock door and slump to
the floor with sheer relief as the airlock floods with fresh air again]
Spock: "......I was only joking of course....."
[Later in the sickbay]
Bones: "Feeling better now Spock?....nasty set of bruises you had there...
I guess that'll teach you not to play practical jokes like that again"
Spock: [Very muffled from under his bandages] "...They've no sense of humour
at all....."
Bones: "....very ironic statement that...coming from a Vulcan.."
[Meanwhile back outside the ship]
Jim: "What do you rate the damage like, Scotty"
Scotty: "On a scale of 1 to 10....11 I suppose would be a good estimate...
We'll be here a couple o'days to fix it.."
Jim: "Ok...you see to the repairs...I'll wander off irresponsibly with two
guards and you'll have to rescue me later"
Scotty: "Right..sounds like a good plot to me...see you later"
[After exploring the same bit of scenery for about ten minutes, Jim and
the two guards stop for a rest]
Jim: "Hmmm...There's something familiar about this place...."
[Suddenly there is a tap on his shoulder and he wheels round to see....]
Gandalf: "I've got a bone to pick with you Kirk!"
[A white bearded old man in a pointy hat, flares, and sporting a chic pair of
dark sunglasses confronts Jim with a very irritable look on his face.
The old man unleashes two deadly firebolts and wipes out the
two guards before they have a chance to raise their phasers]
Gandalf: "Right..that's the formalities over....down to business..."
Jim: "Uh?..Oh...Hey..I like the cool shades!...very trendy..."
Gandalf: "...a consequence of your last visit Kirk......We once had an ozone
layer on this planet...."
Jim: "...Ah....woops....I knew there WAS a good reason for not using warp
drive while in planetary atmosphere....Look on the bright side,
you can get a nice tan all year round now..."
Gandalf: "Grrr.....You'll be laughing on the other side of your face at
the TRIAL!!!! cackle cackle!"
Jim: "!"
[Jim freezes with a look of abject horror on his face.....hmm...I wonder
what abject means......]
*****YES!!! MORE VAX TREK SOON.....*****
Will Jim be given a fair trial? Where is he going to find a good lawyer
at half past three on a Friday afternoon on a barren desolate planet with
no ozone layer? Is there a ship big enough to carry the famous inter-galactic
lawyer Perricos Masonide to Jim's aid? Can he afford the fees?
Find out all this and more in next week's episode of VAX Trek: The Voyage Home
******************************************************************************
Credits:
Storyline: David 'Dangerous' Young
Sandwiches designed by: Arthur Pewty
Fight Arranger: Ronald Reagan
Computer System Kindly Run By: Those Wonderful Comp.Centre Peeps.
And thanks especially to our wonderful
system security manager who has kindly
overlooked this particular breach.
Special Thanks to: The Ops,CCA244,CNBP01,CRAA15,CADU34,CLIP07
CBAR28, CAEP08 and many others for their
undying support for the author through his most
troubled times, and for chipping in to pay
for the psychiatric help.
The answer to last week's mathematical question was of course: 42 splurgons.
(By choosing the splurgon as the unit of speed the sums conveniently come out
to the nice round figure of 42. Using any other system of units just makes
the calculations unnecessarily complicated (Note *)) First correct entry out
of the postbag was Mr.J.T.Wobblebaum of 96 Internal Haemhorrage Street,Swindon.
But since nobody likes a smart-ass, we sent the boys round to convince him
of the error of his ways.
Consequently he has promised not to enter any more of our competitions.
Once we'd emptied the sack of entries on to the floor and found the one
that contained the largest bribe we awarded first prize to a Mr.D.J.Young,
who also incidentally sent in quite an amusing story with his entry which
we might run in a future episode.
Note *: Indeed the Mathematicons from the planet Calculatus 5, enhanced their
reputation as the most downright clever-dicks in the universe when they
invented a system of units which ensured that the answer to any mathematical
problem always gave the answer 42. This led to them being the first race to
solve many of the great insoluble mathematical problems which had until then
completely stumped the finest minds in the galaxy. It was finally possible to
evaluate PI exactly (42), determine the exact dimensions of the universe
(42x42x42), and find out how many former female attachments Captain James T.
Kirk has dotted about the universe (42). (Note there is some uncertainty over
the exact value of the latter, but the figure 42 (although undoubtedly on the
conservative side) is quoted here so as not to upset the Mathematicons)
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