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Star Trek VIII

Filename: p.123
Category: Star Trek (tm) parodies
Title(s): Star Trek VIII
The Voyage Home: Episode 3
Author(s): David J. Young
Newsgroup: rec.arts.startrek
Poster: David J. Young
Date posted: 1990 08 27 18:38:54 GMT
First date published: 1990 08 27 18:38:54 GMT
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

..Somewhere out in the depths of space...on BBC2 probably...after Buck Rogers
was finished....

___-___ o==o======= . . . . .
;-) =========== ||//
\ \_|//__
#_______/

"Sensors indicate smiley face up ahead captain..."
"...Take immediate evasive action Sulu...and arm the photon torpedoes"
"It looks friendly enough though captain"
"Precisely..."

Star Trek VIII, "The Voyage Home"
---------------------------------
Episode 3
---------
Captain's Log, Stardate Seven, Fifty-Nine point Nine Five
---------------------------------------------------------
I have been taken prisoner, and now stand in some kind of court-room, about to
go on trial for some jumped up charge...of which I might add I'm totally
innocent. I just hope Scotty can work another miracle and get me out of here
before things go too far......which reminds me...

[Flicking open his communicator...to the accompaniment of the usual "mating
song of the lesser black backed marsh warbler" sound]

Jim: "Kirk to Enterprise....come in Scotty..."

Scotty: "Aye captain?"

Jim: "Scotty....I'm in a 'wee' bit of trouble as you might say....Let's
save a lot of time and hassle...just beam me back to the ship please"

Scotty: "Right...I've got a fix on your communicator....beaming up now"

Jim: [Shouting to the occupants of the rapidly filling court room] "Bye folks..
sorry I couldn't stay for the trial..."

[To his horror ...and extreme embarrassment, instead of dematerialising
himself, a large potted plant standing four feet away begins to shimmer
and fade away..]

Jim: "Kirk to Enterprise!!!...SCOTTY!!..Just what the HELL do you think
you're doing!!"

Scotty: "....Captain...the transporter unit seems to have malfunctioned.."

Jim: "So I gathered..."

Scotty: "The crash must've shaken up the transporter beam targetting
circuitry!!....."

Jim: "Look...if I move four feet to the left to the spot where the plant
was, and you leave the settings as they were then that should work
shouldn't it?"

Scotty: "Aye...that'll work....ok..move over now.....energising.."

[Across on the far side of the courtroom a burly looking dwarf with a big
axe shimmers and fades away........then re-materialises quickly...with
a bemused look on his face]

Scotty: "....Captain...this ISN'T working is it?"

Jim: "You're right Scotty....get round here with some men and some big phasers
and break me out pretty damn quick."

Scotty: "....on my way sir"

[The court room was full of locals now....hoping to see some justice dealt
out to this yellow jerseyed maniac who stood nervously before them...
In filed the council for the prosecution........but the seats allocated for
the defence lawyers remained empty since Jim hadn't had any change in his
pocket to make any phonecalls.........well..ok..he DID ...but no-one wanted
to take up his case since a) It was hopeless anyway b) They'd been bribed
quite generously by a tall white bearded old man with a pointy hat.]

Jim: [Shouting out loud again] "I'D JUST LIKE TO STATE AT THIS POINT THAT
I AM TOTALLY AND UTTERLY INNOCENT."

[The court went momentarily quiet.....(possibly while its occupants rummaged
in their bags for the rotting vegetables they had brought along)....Then
the first of a hail of tomatoes and bits of turnip rained down on Jim
amidst angry shouts and the copious blowing or raspberries]

Clerk: "Order!..Order!...Will the court please come to order..."

[In strode the judge...and took up his position at the head of the court..
....Behind the dark shades and the ridiculous wig, Jim couldn't help
thinking there was something vaguely familiar about him...]

Judge: "Right Clerk...what's today's business?"

Clerk: "Ahem...The Case Of Captain James Tiberius Kirk, on a charge of
wilfully using warp drive in planetary atmosphere without due
regard to the health consequences for the inhabitants of the said
planet.i.e.This one"

[A titter from the jury at Jim's middle name was quickly stifled by a stern
glance from the Judge, who was clearly in no mood for frivolities]

[Suddenly though, there was a thump and small white ball landed at Jim's
feet....Never having been well known for forking out hard cash to buy
balls of his own at the Enterprise's well equipped golf shop, Jim just
couldn't pass up the chance of picking up a free ball....So he glanced
round to check that no one was looking and pocketed the ball hurriedly]

[Just then, two strange characters seemed to just walk through the wall of
the court room....One wore a Hawaian shirt...and we'll call him Bob...because
that was his name.....and the other trudged along behind him carrying a
a huge..and very heavy looking golf bag..]

Bob: "You sure it went this way...??"

Caddy: "Yup....it was a pretty wayward tee shot I must say...Two more
space-time dimensions to the right and you'd have been out of bounds."

Bob: "...I know....it's about time I saw the pro. about correcting that
vicious slice of mine.......Now where IS that ball..."

[Jim sat tight....determined not to own up.....and he thought he'd get away
with it too, until a host of fingers from the jury pointed accusingly in his
direction]

Bob: "Three wood please, caddy..."

[Jim was about to hand over the ball when the club came down on his head with
some force and he blacked out for a time...]

Bob: "Hmmm...not a bad lie.....but what does the rule book say about playing
out of court-rooms?"

Caddy: [Leafing through his rule book] "..carrots...courgettes...ah!..
court-rooms....yes...Normally a penalty of one stroke would have to be
added on...but wait...there's a special clause here: 'Any player
hitting the defendent is entitled to a free drop within 2 clublengths
of the point of impact'"

Bob: "Ha!...what a piece of luck! ....Right...how far to the hole, caddy?"

Caddy: "Five space-time dimensions to the left, and approximately 3 light
years in vector magnitude"

Bob: "Five iron?"

Caddy: "Sounds about right to me..."

[They play on and saunter off after the ball, again seemingly walking
unhindered through the solid wall of the courtroom]

Judge: [His mouth hanging open, and obviously incredulous at what he has just
seen] "...Personally I think he under-clubbed that one..."

Jim: [getting shakily to his feet, and nodding vigorously] "...I'd have played
a four iron myself..."

Clerk: "With all due respect m'lud I think we ought to start the trial..."

Judge: "Certainly...the court is now in session....any questions from either
side before we start? No?.....right ok...court adjourned for tea.
Case will resume in fifteen minutes....thank you."

[Hardly anyone notices the dull thud behind them as they file out of the
courtroom.....]

*****YES!!! MORE VAX TREK SOON.....*****
Will Jim's fainting spell mean that he misses out on tea and chocolate
biscuits? Will Scotty turn up with the heavy artillery in time to get Jim
out of his predicament? Was even a four iron not quite enough?

All these questions and more will be answered in next week's episode of
**VAX Trek: The Voyage Home**

******************************************************************************
Credits:
Storyline: David 'Getting Desparate' Young
Sandwiches designed by: GEC Tactical Weapons Systems Ltd.
Fight Arranger: Ronald Reagan
Computer System Kindly Run By: Those Wonderful Comp.Centre Peeps.
And thanks especially to our wonderful
system security manager who has kindly
overlooked this particular breach.
Golf Consultant: Curtis 'Pretty Damn' Wierd.
Special Thanks to: The Ops,CNBP01,CRAA15,CLIP07
CBAR28, and many others for their
undying support for the author through his most
troubled times, and for chipping in to pay
for the psychiatric help.

Anyone requiring the details of the sport of Interdimensional Golf should
send for our fact-sheet, by writing to:

Like Wow-Man, Interdimensional Golf,
Gimme The LowDown,
15 North Underpant Avenue,
Chiswick,
LONDON.

And enclosing a stamped, self-addressed envelope.
 
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