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Star Drek: The Degeneration
Filename: p.013
Category: Star Trek (tm) parodies
Title(s): Star Drek: The Degeneration
Author(s): (unknown)
Newsgroup: rec.arts.startrek
Poster: Chris Hahn
Date posted: 1988 10 31 14:49:53 GMT
First date published: (unknown)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
While at a Halloween Party this past weekend (Star Trek Theme) this
parody was floating around so I grabbed a copy 'cause I thought you
guys out in netland might like it.
Some people might take offense at the way it flames the show and
one person in particular (you figure it out), but I got a kick out
of it.
Sooooo enjoy it or hate it for what it is...take it with a grain of salt
if you don't like it, but after reading Mr. Videos posting of the first
episode we will see...Can We Talk??? Pregnant by a light bulb!!;-) I
can see the headlines in the National Enquirer now;-) ;-), ...The
promised "new improved" second season looks pretty scary to me!!!:->
Any way, enough of that said. Here's to the unknown writer whoever
he/she/they/it/whatever may be. Hope you enjoy it, and if you don't
feel free to flame me...I move in 2 weeks so if I don;t go out with a
bang I might as well go up in flames ;->!!!!! Don't get me wrong,
for the most part i like the show (and I was the one who found and posted
the thing...oh welllllll) and this is definately not meant to be taken
seriously...I'm sure it was written for fun (perhaps in a moment of
frustration with the show) and that is the way I hope this is taken.
******************************************************************************
PRESENTING.......
STAR DREK: THE DEGENERATION
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
SPACE...THE FINAL FRONTIER. THESE ARE THE ASININE VOYAGES OF THE
PACIFIC PRINCESS ENTERPRISE. HER ONGOING SUBMISSION: TO IGNORE
ALL NEW WORLDS; TO HIDE FROM NEW LIFE FORMS, AND NEW SITUATIONS;
TO BADLY GO WHERE ONE MAN WANTS TO GO!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Written by.......G. Roddenberry
Produced by......G. Roddenberry
Created by.......G. Roddenberry
Controlled by....G. Roddenberry
Protected by.....G. Roddenberry
Starring.......Mrs. Roddenberry
paid for by the Gene Roddenberry for GOD committee
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Friends, I give you my new show. My totally original vision of the future.
I see a future rich with humanity. A future free from anger and conflict,
hate and pain, drama and plot. Come with me now to the 60s...er...I mean
the 24th Century, where everything is alright. By the way, would you like
a flower?
ACT ONE
FADE IN:
1 EXT. ENTERPRISE, PINK CLOUD 1
The Goodship Enterprise is in orbit around a big, fluffy pink cloud,
NOSE PICAR (VO)
Captain's Law, Stardate 1960: We are in
close orbit around an unknown form. It
looks to be a large, pink, fluffy cloud.
DISSOLVE TO:
2 INT. BRIDGE 2
Captain JEAN-NOSE PICAR is in on of the several command seats. His
first officer, Commander BILLY BOB BIKER, is next to him. All other
crew members are at their regular stations.
NOSE PICAR (VO)
(continuing)
I have sent Lt. Geordi La Porge to take a
real look at the cloud. So, since there is
still a half hour before lunch will be served
on the Aloha Deck, we will unfortunately
infestigate. Personally, I'm bored.
3 M2S--NOSE PICAR, BIKER 3
BILLY BOB BIKER is currently watching the large viewing screen. NOSE
PICAR is buffing his nails. He is tired of buffing his nails, but he
continues nonetheless.
BIKER
(as he brushes a lock of thick black hair
from his brow. It was hanging Kirkishly
over his eyes. We can't have that)
The pink cloud is making me tired, sir.
Can we please change the channel?
My thoughts exactly.
NOSE PICAR
(as he examines his handy work. No pun
intended.)
Huh?
BIKER
I'm bored, Captain. What are we waiting for?
Annoying S.O.B. isn't he?
NOSE PICAR
(shrugging, continuing to buff)
Calm down, Cumber Bun--
BIKER
That's Number One, sir.
NOSE PICAR
Whatever.
Buffing is hard work, you know.
Any-who...We're waiting for the blind one
to come back. He's looking out one of our
windows to gat a real look at that cloud-
thing.
Biker looks perplexed. Alright, more than usual anyway.
BIKER
Why not just have the android use ship's
sensors on the cloud, sir?
NOSE PICAR
(throws his buffer at Biker and misses, of
course. Angry, fuming)
This is not the time for rash actions, Cumber
Bun. And his name is Data!
BIKER
(pointing to his own chest)
It's Number One, sir.
Nose Picar tilts his head to one side in deep thought. You know,
the way your dog does.
NOSE PICAR
(shakes his head)
No. No, I'm sure it's Data!
Cumber Bun... er...oops...Number One sighs. He gets up, walks to the
large wooden wheel that steers the ship, and stands in front of it in
that strange posture he always has--as if he were about to draw in a
gun fight.
NOSE PICAR
Cumber Bun, why are you standing like that?
BIKER
(embarrassed)
Chafing, sir.
NOSE PICAR
Ah. Quite.
(beat)
Carry on.
Nose Picar picks up a book he is reading in his spare time. He begins
to read (his lips moving) from Dr. Seuss goes to Vulcan. "I will not
live long and prosper, my middle name is not Foster. I am not Silek
son of Sam, I will not eat green eggs and ham!"
4 ANGLE ON TURBOLIFT--GEORDI LA PORGE 4
The shot pans and follows La Porge to the captain's chair. He stands
at attention, ready to report.
GEORDI
Lt. Geordi La Porge, reportin' as ordered,
Massah Cap'n.
NOSE PICAR
I did not ask for you, I'm reading a
chapter or two.
DATA
(turning from his science station)
You asked him to check on the--on the-- on
the--on the--on the--
The crew member next to the android hits him on the head.
--pink cloud.
NOSE PICAR
(turns angrily to Mr. Data)
I knew that!
(to La Porge)
Report.
GEORDI
It was fantastic, suh. I saws all sorts of
colors. And boy suh, I could've danced to it!
NOSE PICAR
Your number will come later in the show, La
Porge. Now...
Nose Picar did that dog tilt again. Bad habits are hard to break and
all that...
What kinds of colors?
GEORDI
Well, Massah Cap'n, it's like nothin' I's
ever seens befoa!
NOSE PICAR
Well, what color was it close to?
GEORDI
Suh, it was kinda close to the way your fried
chicken is pinkish when its not really cooked.
NOSE PICAR
(dog tilt, again)
Pinkish?
GEORDI
Like fresh watermelon, maybe? Pinkish, suh.
NOSE PICAR
Pink?
GEORDI
Pink, suh!
BIKER
Pink?
GEORDI
Fluffy pink, suh!
Data, believing that no one knows what pink means, turns again from his
science station to explain.
DATA
Pink: A color. Between white and red.
Idiom: A condition. Example: In the
pink. Meaning:
NOSE PICAR
That's quite enough, Number One. This is
not the time for rash explanations!
DATA
It's Data, sir.
NOSE PICAR
(turning to Biker and exclaims)
See. I told you it was Data, Cumber Bun!
Biker's eyes begin to fill with tears.
DATA
Captain, If I may, I believe I can Tell you
what the cloud is.
NOSE PICAR
Then go ahead. Make it so. So it is
written so it shall be done!
DATA
I believe tha cloud to be the personalities
of the crew. It is a conglomeration of the
very human qualities we shed to take on this
mission.
NOSE PICAR
I don't remember shedding my human qualities.
DATA
Perhaps you never had any, sir. However, the
rest of the crew, excluding my android self, of
course, had to give up all their passions,
sensebilities, conflict, loyalities, in essence,
their humanness, to the Great Turd of the Galaxy.
BIKER
Who's the Great Turd?
DATA
All we know Commander, is that he has grey hair
and wears shirts from the 1960's. You know, the
kind with the large collars and flower patterns?
NOSE PICAR
(tapping his insignia/communicator/apple peeler)
Nose Picar to Counlelor Goi. Report to the
bridge.
Suddenly the turbolift doors open and COUNSELOR GOI walks to Nose
Picar.
GOI
Yes sir?
NOSE PICAR
What do you feel, Counselor?
GOI
I feel fine, sir. How are you today?
NOSE PICAR
No, no! What do you feel from the cloud?
GOI
The pink one? Nothing.
NOSE PICAR
Aren't you supposed to have Psi powers?
GOI
Oh, that? No, I was just borrowing those
from Lt. Ilia from the first movie.
DATA
(interrupting)
Sir, the cloud is sending us a message. They
want us to take them back.
NOSE PICAR
No! We can't let that happen. Turd forbid that
we be human. Raise the shields. Get us the hell
out of here. Let's go somewhere for lunch.
GEORDI
Yes, Massah Cap'n.
Geordi takes the steering wheel and steps on the gas and the Enterprise
leaves the cloud behind.
DISSOLVE TO:
5 ENTERPRISE FLY AWAY 5
DISSOLVE TO:
6 INT. BRIDGE 6
NOSE PICAR
Well, I'm glad that's over. You know Cumber
Bun--
BIKER
Number One, sir.
NOSE PICAR
Whatever.
(beat)
You know, we're better without humanness.
BIKER
How so, Captain?
NOSE PICAR
We're perfect. Perfect, Cumber Bun!
BIKER
It's Number One, sir. Number One.
NOSE PICAR
Whatever.
FADE OUT.
===============================================================================
SHOWS IN PRODUCTION FOR SEASON TWO
"Data's Brain"
"Plato's Stepsister"
"Counselor Goi's Mother Part I" *
"Counselor Goi's Mother Part II" *
"The Life And Times Of Counselor Goi's Mother" *
"Buffing Nails Saves The Day"
* Starring Mrs. Roddenberry
===============================================================================
NEW OPENING THEME FOR STAR DREK: THE DEGENERATION
(figure out the tune yourself ;-))
Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale,
a tale of a fateful trip,
that started just a year ago,
created by a drip.
The mate was a mighty Brainless man,
the skipper Dull and Poor,
they started out,
set sail that day,
for a fifteen year tour. A fifteen year tour.
The fans, they started getting tough,
the Enterprise was tossed,
if not for the port of syndication
the show would be lost. The show would be lost.
The show lay-ground at the bottom of the barrel,
and there it finds its plots.
With Nose Picar,
and Cumber Bun,
the Android,
the Blind One.
The Betazoid, and the rest are here on Wesley's Isle.
===============================================================================
So fans, there you have it. Fresh from a Halloween party and the crazy mind
of some one out there. If you're the writer and see this let us know who
you are so credit can be given where credit is due. If you want to pass this
on feel free. If there were copies handed out at the party to distribute
as much as wanted I would guess the writer wants it passed on.
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