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ST:TNG Starship Pine
RIB Productions
Proudly brings to you
"Starship Pine"
An ST:TNG Parody of "Starship Mine"
By Robert I. Brayer
-=-
SCENE I
(Picard and Crusher are walking through an Enterprise Corridor)
Picard: Don't you hate these Ship Strip searches?
Crusher: Yes, I was starting to like that red sweater...
Picard: Yes, I think it was a great cloaking device for the ship..
Crusher: Well it was awfully hard for the Romulans to figure out
what ship it was, I mean we did borrow it from the _Esmerelda_!
Picard: True, well the makeup was a nice touch.
Crusher: I'll never forget the lipstick..
Picard: Well this is where I have to see what Data is blowing
infinity with, see ya.
(Picard hops into a turbolift, and amazingly, Data is there)
Picard: Hello, Commander..
Data: Hello, Captain, Have I ever told you that the space between
your eyes on your head resembles a walnut?
Picard: Er..no.. I hadn't thought you had..
Data: Yes..and your eyes seem so far-off, they remind me of a
rhinosaurus's left testicle.
Picard: Data..what the heck are you talking about?!
Data: I am following an old Earth custom, paying compliments with
observations.
Picard: You call these things compliments!?
Data: Why yes, have not you ever seen a rhinosaurus's left testicle?
It is far more athestically acceptable then the right one. It is all
in the wrist.
Picard: If you're interested in paying inane compliments you should
meet Commander Hutchinson, at his recital, he's a MASTER!
Data: Recital? I thought it was a reception!
Picard: Well..he's learned Klingon Hat Dancing recently, and he
wants an audience..
Data: Interesting..
(The turbolift doors part, and Data and Picard step out into the
face of Worf and Geordi)
Geordi: Sir, these mutant wayfaring slugs definetly need to be
taken care of..
Worf: <grunt> We need more power on the lower hull's Big Screen
TV's..
Picard: Enough gentlemen! We'll take care of everything after the
Ship Strip search..
(Picard begins to walk to his ready room)
Geordi: Hey Captain can I be excused from Commander Hutchinson's
Recital?
Picard: Sure. Wish I could be.
Worf: <Grunt> Can I-
Picard: No. I play favorites, Worf.
-=-
SCENE II
(In Picard's Ready Room, he is talking to someone on board the
station they are docked with)
Man: I know you'll be attending Commander Hutchinson's recital..
Picard: Er yes..I am looking forward to it..in fact I'm bringing a
video camera so I can tape it and send it to all my friends and
relatives!
Man: He'll be so excited! Bye!
Picard: What did I just say? I don't want to go to this thing! Oh
well!
(Picard grabs his camcorder and leaves, he enters onto the bridge
where he sees it has been emptied. He pauses for a moment, looks in
all directions, and then screams)
Picard: RED ALERT!!! RED ALERT!!! haha. Just kidding. I've always
wanted to do that.
(Picard walks off the bridge and sees a crew of people come on to
take care of things)
Sally: Ok now, be careful when you steal their ashtrays.. make sure
that you don't leave any fingerprints!
(Picard is surprised but leaves anyway because he's a putz)
-=-
SCENE III
(In a reception room, we see Crusher and Hutchinson having a
conversation)
Hutchinson: Have I ever told you that you have the loveliest nose
I've ever seen, with the possible exception of my 400 pound
turtle-eating Aunt Louise?
Crusher: Er..no..uh..thank you...
Hutchinson: Well you do! You also have the prettiest jugular vein
on a red-headed doctor with a dead husband, Jack- I have ever seen.
Crusher: Jack?
(Crusher starts sobbing and walks off, Hutchinson walks on to Riker)
Hutchinson: Commander Riker, wonderful to make your acquaintence!
Riker: As well as yours..Commander..?
Hutchinson: Hutchinson! You can call me 'Hutchinsoninski' for short
though, picked that up in Russia.
Riker: Er..uh..
Hutchinson: Oh my! Commander...you have the most captivating
shoelaces I have ever seen!
(Suddenly Mrs. Psychowoman comes running out of hiding, we see Data
slip into her former hiding spot)
Psychowoman: Shoelaces!? Shoelaces!?!?
(Mrs. Psychowoman gets on her hands and knees and starts licking
Riker's shoelaces, Troi comes running over)
Troi: Oh no..Cathy...NO! I thought we had this worked out!?
Hutchinson: Ms! I just noticed- you have a brastrap so
beautiful..it reminds me of Chicken Gizzards on the fourth of May...
Troi: Who the heck are you!?
Hutchinson: Commander Hutchinsoninski! But you can call me Jean-Luc
for short.
(Picard suddenly comes running over)
Picard: No you can't! That's MY name! I worked HARD for that name!
Psychowoman: Yummy..shoelaces...
Riker: AGH! Get this woman away from me!
(Troi goes down on the floor and starts to pull Mrs. Psychowoman
off of Riker as Psychowoman screams)
Psychowoman: RED ALERT!!! RED ALERT!!! Haha, just kidding. I always
wanted to do that.
Hutchinson: Captain Picard! So nice to see you again! Did I ever
tell you that when you frown, your dimples remind me of the waves
in a Jacuzzi filled with twelve of the Universe's semi-finalists in
the "Ms. Federation Jacuzzi Competition"?
(Troi and Mrs. Psychowoman disapper off-camera wrestling and
screaming obscenities at each other)
-=-
SCENE IV
(The RIB Productions Censor Office)
Censor: No, no,..no..this will NOT do! We can't have them cursing!
(We see him watching a TV with STARSHIP PINE on it)
Troi: You <bleeping> <BLEEP>, you have the brains of a <BLEEP>!
Psychowoman: Oh yeah!? At least I don't have any <BLEEPS>!
Censor: As you can see this sort of thing keeps me kind of busy, in
a thankless, long houred job, if you'd like to send me a donation
here's the address....666 Rasenber-
(Suddenly our RIB Productions President enters)
President: Now that's enough! You know we don't allow any tips or
donations to our staff members! Only to Robert!
Censor: Why you...<Bleep> <Bleep>!!
(The President and the Censor disapper off-camera wrestling and
screaming obscenities at each other)
-=-
SCENE V
(We see Troi and Mrs. Psychowoman in front of a large button on a
console that says 'censor', Troi is pressing it repeatedly)
Troi: Even the Censor is a...<Bleep>!
Psychowoman: I can't TAKE it anymore!
(Troi and Mrs. Psychowoman disapper off-camera wrestling)
-=-
SCENE VI
(And now..back to our recital)
Riker: Why, no, I hadn't noticed that my belt resembled the third
moon of the seventh star system in the 95th corsica.
Hutchinson: Well it does.
Picard: Do we ever get a recital?! I brought my camcorder and
everything! Oh and by the way, there is NO such Jacuzzi competition!
(Picard takes out his camcorder and starts recording)
Hutchinson: Yes you will, and yes there is!
(Hutchinson pushes a button and a large stage forms out of the
ground he hops up onto it and grabs a microphone)
Riker: Thanks a lot! Now we have to watch this:
Hutchinson: Ladies and Gentleman..what I am about to show you is a
Klingon Hat dance, it is derived from ancient Klingon custom, if I
have any interruptions the magnitude of this performance will be
spoiled so please be quiet!
(Hutchinson takes out a normal looking baseball cap, He waves it to
the audience)
Audience: OOOH!! AAAH!
Hutchinson: I said..QUIET!
(Hutchinson places the Hat on the ground he then begins walking
around it chanting)
Hutchinson: Ooommm Licka licka licka..Ooohmmm..Licka..licka..VCR
REWINDER... Ooohmmm..Nice day for a walk?...OOHMM!!
(Hutchinson spits on the cap and then begins dancing around it
wildly, he then jumps ontop of the cap several times screaming
random losing presidential candidate's names)
Hutchinson: MONDALE!!! MCGOVERN!! BUSH!! NIXON!! FORD!!
(Hutchinson then takes out a Flamethrower and starts to bathe the
hat in flames!)
Hutchinson: HAHAHAHAHA! Gawd this is fun!
(We see Picard frown. Suddenly tweleve of the Universe's
semi-finalists in the "Ms. Federation Jacuzzi Competition" come
running out of no where in bathing suits)
Candi: Where's the Jaccuzi!?
Bambi: Look! Over on that guy's face!
(All twelve run at Picard, knock him down and attempt to jump into
his face and use it for a jacuzzi)
Hutchinson: What did I tell you Picard!? And they say I lie! Geez
now my whole dance recital is gone!
Picard: AGH!!! OW! OWIE! HELP ME!!
(Worf runs over and looks angrily at all of the women)
Worf: <grunt>... GROWL!!!!!!!!!
(The women scatter)
Picard: Thanks, Worf, I think I'll go back to the Enterprise and
grab my home plastic surgery kit now..
(Picard stumbles out)
Hutchinson: Years of practice!! I didn't even get to use my machete!
(Worf walks over to Hutchinson sits down next to him and puts his
arm around him)
Worf: <Grunt>..everything's going to be ALL RIGHT..
(Suddenly the RIB Productions Censor and President come rolling out
wrestling with each other and cursing at each other)
Censor: You don't pay me enough for this <Bleeping> Job!
President: We'll triple your pay!
Censor: Three times NOTHING is STILL nothing!
(Suddenly Data steps out of his hiding places and addresses the two)
Data: Why Mr. RIB Productions President, has anyone ever told you
that your cheekbones look like a hand-held Romulan nostril flute?
(The President stops fighting and quizzically, looks up)
President: Er.. no..they haven't!
Data: And Mr. RIB Productions Censor, has anyone ever told you that
the crack in your buttocks is reminiscent of the valley between the
Talzakian mountain range on Hemmoroid II and Beta BETA III?!
Audience: Beta BETA III..OOH AAH!!
Censor: Why no..they haven't..thank you..!
President: Yes..it seems like our argument was so unjustified now..
Censor: Yes, why can't we all live in peace and harmony with each
other? Like brothers?
President: Yes..even when our brothers are spineless no-talent
drop-outs..we must love them all the same.
(The President offers a hand to the Censor)
Censor: Yes..and even when our brothers are parasitic organisms
hungrily sucking off of a worthless writer!
(They shake hands and walk off smiling and talking..Riker walks over)
Riker: Data! You just made peace between two mortal enemies! You
should be a Radio Therapist!
Data: Well, thank you, Commander!
(Before they have time to confer, one of the men of the station
turn around and point a large blaster at everyone..it's Mr. Josh
Treeson!!)
Treeson: Yes! It's me! Josh! I'm back!
Riker: What do you want!?
Treeson: They never paid me for appearing in "Dirtfight, Part II"!
Riker: It was only a CAMEO!
Treeson: So what!? I have things to do you know!
Riker: No you don't..you have nothing better to do!
Treeson: Oh yes I do! I have to watch Deep Space Nine! I know
you're in here RIB Productions President!
Worf: <SighGrunt>
-=-
SCENE VII
(We see Picard emerge from his quarters on the Enterprise with his
home plastic surgery kit.. suddenly a man in a suit appears in
front of Picard)
Man in a suit: Hey-lo home audience! You see this plastic surgery
kit? It can be yours if you act now. It includes 'nose removal'
snippers, Vasectomy clippers as well as an entire array of plastic
eyelashes!
Picard: Could you get the heck out of my way!?
Man in a suit: If you act now we'll throw in the CAPTAIN OF THE
ENTERPRISE, Mr. Jean-Luc Picard, as your personal servant for a
week, just send $19..
Picard: Move out of my way!
(Picard pushes the man past and starts walking towards a turbolift,
the man pulls a blaster and aims it at Picard)
Picard: Uh oh!
(Picard dives and knocks the man down and out, he then takes his
communications device and runs for the lift)
Computer: 30 seconds till Ship Strip search, have a nice day.
(Picard makes it to the transporter room breathing heavily but
RIGHT before he can reach the buttons all power goes off)
Computer: Get ready for strip search! Hope there's no one still here!
Picard: <Gulp>
-=-
SCENE VIII
(Outside the ship we can see the _Enterprise_, with a large sweater
all over, we then see giant hands emerge from the station and start
removing the sweater, frisking as it goes)
-=-
SCENE IX
(By listening to the communications device Picard manages to wander
around the ship looking for the bad guys, he finds them, they
capture him and he tells them his name is 'Phil' and he's the
janitor)
Sally: Phil, you just stay quiet as we siphon all of the pine
cleaner for your ship to use to CLEAN UP THE DIRTY SHIP ARMADA!
Picard: NO! Not that! ..What is that?
Sally: You know, the Armada of Federation ships that use Dirt to
propel themselves through the reaches of space!
Picard: Oh them. NO! Don't take the cleaner!
Sally: Shut him up will you, Grunt?
(A man called Grunt walks over with a blaster and sticks it at
Picard who sits down calmly and relaxes, he takes out a jelly
doughnut and begins eating)
Grunt: I hope you brought enough to share MISTER!
Picard: Nope, just this, here I'll throw it out in this handy dandy
garbage disposal..
Grunt: No! That's not a garbage disposal!
(The room is filled with gas, Picard destroys their siphoning
device and runs away)
-=-
SCENE X
(Meanwhile, on the Station)
President: Mr. Treeson, don't you think six-figures is a little
much for two lines!?
Josh: No it isn't! I want a dental plan also.
President: Ok, that's where I draw the line!
(Josh pulls out his blaster)
President: The line..where I sign this contract! Yeah!
Josh: Much better!
(Meanwhile, Riker is talking with Troi, Data and Worf)
Riker: We'd better make a weapon!
Data: I say we use the power in Mr. Worf's sash to overcome them,
we use the reflection of Hutchinson and his head against it to blind
them, the only problem is it would knock all of you out but me. That
and we need a distraction to make it work!
Riker: I know, I'll attack Josh!
(Riker walks up to the RIB Productions President and Josh)
Riker: You know..Josh..are you sure that contract isn't a bit much.
Josh: Actually I want more.
(Riker dives at Josh and tries to knock him out, Josh dodges him
and throws Riker into a wall, where he falls over unconcious.)
Josh: I always wanted to do that. RED ALERT! RED ALERT! Hehe.
President: <Sigh>
(Suddenly a blinding light fills the room, everyone falls out cold
except Data and Josh)
Data: I thought this thing was supposed to work!
Josh: It did! Just not on me! I'm a God too, remember.
Data: Look, let me just check on Picard..Data to Picard..what is up?
Picard: We have a band of terrorists on the ship trying to take it
over and siphon the pine cleaner from the engines for use in
warfare, could you please stop the strip search and beam everyone
but me into a prison?
Data: Sure, with your permission, Josh.
Josh: Oh yeah, just as long as I get my contract, and a bagel.
Data: Oh by the way, have I ever told you that you are the first
human I have ever met that looked like a walrus?
Josh: Why..thank you.. I'm flattered..
Data: And your chest hair..it resembles the cilia on the inside of
Hutchinson's nose.
Josh & Hutchinson at once: THANKS!!!
(Data quickly pushes a few buttons, and the Enterprise is saved)
Data: By the way, I am a compulsive liar.
(Josh takes off and attacks Data, they disappear off-camera,
wrestling and screaming obscenities at each other, the RIB
Productions President gets up walks over to the contract and picks it up)
President: Don't you love running jokes? I never signed this.
(The RIB President tears it up)
Josh: ARGGH!
(Josh and Data come rolling in, in a tangle of arms and legs, Josh
grabs the RIB Productions President and pulls him in, they all disappear
off-camera wrestling and screaming obscenities at each other. Josh speaks)
Josh: The moral of the story is, GIVE ME A DENTAL PLAN!
-=-
NEXT WEEK:
Picard falls in love for a chick with a great keyboard. Sound
exciting? TUNE IN!
-=-
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