|
|
 |
|
|
|
register |
bbs |
search |
rss |
faq |
about
|
|
|
meet up |
add to del.icio.us |
digg it
|
|
|
|
Star Trek The Tallens of Rigel 7
Filename: p.028
Category: Star Trek (tm) parodies
Title(s): Star Trek "The Tallens of Rigel 7"
Author(s): Dale Clark
Newsgroup: rec.arts.startrek
Poster: Dale Clark
Date posted: 1988 10 18 15:04:24 GMT
First date published: 1988 10 18 15:04:24 GMT
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
STAR TREK - RECENTLY FOUND LOST EPISODE
"THE TALLENS OF RIGEL 7."
---------------------------------------
(Opening scene, lots of noise from the bridge)
Sulu: Approaching Rigel 7, Captain.
Kirk: Good. Put it up on the screen. (Pause) Sulu, I said put it up on
the screen.
Sulu: I did, Captain. It's that tiny blue dot right over there. It will
be another two days before it's large enough to see with the naked
eye.
Spock: Another 2.3 days to be exact.
Kirk: Well, call me when we get there. Until then I'll be reading in my
quarters.
(Opening Music and credits)
COMMERCIAL BREAK
(Whistle in Captain's quarters)
Sulu: Captain - we're entering the Rigel system now. We'll arrived at Rigel 7
in an hour.
Spock: Another 1.01 hours Sulu, I wish you would be more precise.
Kirk: Can't we get there any faster?
Spock: Illogical Captain. The theory of relativity says that no object
can move faster than the speed of light.
Kirk: Well, call me when we get there. Until then I'll be having lunch
with Yeomand Rand in my quarters.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
(Kirk enters bridge)
Sulu: Captain, we've assumed standard orbit around Rigel 7.
Kirk: Good. Report Spock.
Spock: (Looking at blue light from scanner). It's an unknown planet,
Captain. It's very large and dense. I've never encountered readings
like this before. I'm sure we'll all find it fascinating.
Kirk: Prepare to beam down. The landing party will consist of you,
myself, Dr. McCoy, and geologist Louis.
(Scotty beams the crew down to the planet's surface. Immediately, all
four men collapse to the ground and fall into comas. Music builds.)
COMMERCIAL BREAK
(Ten minutes pass. At last, the crew regains consciousness and struggles
to stand up.)
Bones: (gasp) My God, Jim - I can't breathe. There's no oxygen on this
planet!
Spock: Apparently I failed to scan for oxygen on the Enterprise.
Bones: You pointed-eared Hobgoblin! How the hell could you forget to scan
(cough, cough) for oxygen???
Spock: (gasp) Really, Doctor. It's not fair to comdemn my scanning procedures
because of a single error in my procedure.
Bones: SPOCK! -
Kirk: Gentlemen! We're here in the name of science and before we go we've
got to take a core sample. Ensign Louis - take this hydraulic
planetary drill over to that ridge and collect a core same.
Louis: But...
Kirk: That's an order.
(Ensign Louis, gasping and shivering, begins crawling into the distance,
dragging a gigantic, styrofoam-looking drill behind him.)
Kirk: (flips open communicator) Kirk to Enterprise.
Scotty: Enterprise, Scott here.
Kirk: Three to beam up, Mr. Scott, we're dying down here!
Scotty: What's that you're sayin' Captain? There's too much electrical
interference from that planet you're on.
Kirk: Scotty, beam the three of us up - fast!
Scotty: But what about Ensign Louis?
Kirk: It's too late for him! Beam us up!
Scotty: Ay, Captain, but you'll have to wait 'til our orbit brings us
back around to your side of the planet. We canna beam ya up now
or ya'd come back a mass of dyin' flesh!
Kirk: All right, Scott, we'll try to hold on. Kirk out.
Bones: SPOCK! You and your damnable Vulcan logic...
Spock: You're far too emotional Doctor.
Bones: Why you damned green-blooded pointed-eared inhuman jack rabbit.
Why don't you just go fry in hell!
Spock: Unlikely, Dr. McCoy, hell is ...
Kirk: Pipe down you two. We've got to conserve oxygen. We have none,
and it's got to last us another half hour. Now, take some readings.
We need oxygen and we need it quick. (Music builds).
COMMERCIAL BREAK
(Scanning whistles)
Spock: (Walks about 3 feet from original site) Captain - I'm detecting
alien life forms.
Kirk: What kind of life forms?
Spock: Unknown. I've never encountered readings like this before.
Bones: Wow, what a news flash!
Kirk: Explain.
Spock: It appears to be a rotting, brown colored fungus. It's capable of
movement and right now is positioned behind the rocks near the ridge
where Ensign Louis is drilling. It's the only life form on the planet,
except for some fascinating plant life.
(The three exit the scene and enter another scene with identical rocks and
red lights for the horizon).
Spock: (points the tricorder down at some rocks) These are the life forms,
Captain. They seem to be attempting to communicate with us using a
highly advanced form of telepathy.
Bones: It stinks. Whatever they are they could use a bath.
Kirk: Can you understand them?
Spock: I do have an excellent capacity for telepathy, Captain. They are called
Tallens.
Kirk: Tallens.
Spock: Yes. They want us to leave their planet immediately. The entire colony
of more than a billion of them are present in this small area. They
seem to indicate that if we do not leave immediately they will display
a sign of force.
Kirk: Right now, Spock, I want to display a typical human male force.
Spock: A strict regimen of nightly masterbation since age thirteen?
Kirk: No, Spock. (grinds boot into the fungus) Self defense. Well, I guess the
Tallens won't ever threaten the federation again!
Bones: JIM!
Spock: (Raises both eyebrows) (Music rises).
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Kirk: I don't know if I can take this asphyxiation much longer. I need a cool
drink from this stream near where the Tallens were.
Bones: JIM! Are you out of your mind? That water might be salty, or warm!
Spock: Jim, wait!
Kirk: Out of my way Bones, I've got a hunch that water's good for drinking.
(Scoops up a handful of water and drinks voraciously. Two seconds
later, he gags and vomits violently). Auuuugh! It's no good.
(Communicator beeps twice)
Kirk: (flips open communicator) Kirk here.
Scotty: Scotty here, Captain. We're ready ta beam ya up.
Kirk: Good! Energize!
(Three men are transported back to the Enterprise.)
COMMERICAL BREAK
(Final scene: Kirk, McCoy and Spock are chatting around the Captain's chair).
Kirk: You know, Spock, I could be wrong, but I thought I saw you smiling
just a little bit when we were beaming up from Rigel 7.
Spock: Incorrect Captain. It would be most improper to express joy while
my core samples lie on the planet next to the remains of Ensign Louis
over 1 billion Tallens.
Bones: My God Spock! A man is dead, and you're worried about core samples
and fungus! You inhuman bastard!
Spock: (Raises eyebrows) I merely stated a fact, Doctor.
Kirk: (Chuckles) Helm, set a course for Rigel 8. Navagation, what's our
estimated time of arrival?
Checkov: Vell, even though it's the closest plant in the Universe, I'm
afraid the limitation of the speed of light means we'll be lucky
if our great-grandchildren live to see it. And even then,
Captain, not for weary long.
Kirk: In that case, I'll be in my quarters. Steady as she goes.
(All laugh violently as ending music begins.)
|
|
|
To the best of our knowledge, the text on this page may be freely reproduced and distributed.
If you have any questions about this, please check out our Copyright Policy.
totse.com certificate signatures
|
|
|
About | Advertise | Bad Ideas | Community | Contact Us | Copyright Policy | Drugs | Ego | Erotica
FAQ | Fringe | Link to totse.com | Search | Society | Submissions | Technology
|
|
|
|
|
|
