About
Community
Bad Ideas
Drugs
Ego
Artistic Endeavors
But Can You Dance to It?
Cult of the Dead Cow
Literary Genius
Making Money
No Laughing Matter
On-Line 'Zines
Science Fiction
Self-Improvement
Erotica
Fringe
Society
Technology
register | bbs | search | rss | faq | about
meet up | add to del.icio.us | digg it

Star Trek in the UK

Filename: p.149
Category: Star Trek (tm) parodies
Title(s): Star Trek in the UK (a sample)
Author(s): Eric Iverson
Newsgroup: rec.arts.startrek
Poster: Eric Iverson
Date posted: 1990 10 25 04:20:38 GMT
First date published: 1990 10 25 04:20:38 GMT
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

FLASH!!!

Would yer believe...that ST:TNG is a ripoff?
Hard ter believe, but true. I'll make us all a nice cup of tea.
Irwin Allen, of Lost In Space, Time Tunnel, and Land of the Giants fame
'as Royal Miled a lorsuit against Gene Roddenberry chargin' that 'e
stole a script MR. Allen was commissioned ter write for the bleedin'
'ffen-proposed' Star Trek revival. Mr. Roddenberry supposedly returned
the script unread, yet read the bleedin' attached excerpts from
Mr. Allen's script and see for yerself if it bears any resemblence ter
wot we know know as ST:TNG.

[Scene opens wiv the newly commissioned SAUCER Class starship: U.S.S.
Enterprise warpin' ffrough space. Zoom in on the registration numbers:
JUP-ITER2-D.
Focus in on the bridge,as Captain John Luke Picardson records the log.]

Picardson: Captain's Log, stardate 7. Cor blimey guv, would I lie to
you. The Enterprise 'as been sent on its maiden voyage ter
open negotiations wiv the planet ReallyFarPoint, at Alpha
Centauri. We will meet up wiv me first officer, Don Riker, who
is already on detachment at the base. This ship represents the
finest technology the bleedin' Federation 'as ter offer.
On board are many families, wich will colonize far oray planets.
Boy, I love children.

[Picard turns off the bleedin' log and turns ter DATA the Robot, the
bleedin' almost 'uman android who longs ter be a real person]

Picardson: DATA, are we near ReallyFarPoint yet?

DATA: NEGATIVE, CAPTAIN PICARDSON. WE SHALL ARRIVE IN EXACTLY 8.2 SPACE
'OURS.

[Suddenly, Zachery Troi, the empaffic ship's Doctor, screams out.]

Troi: OH, The pain. I'll make us all a nice cup of tea. The bleedin'
pain of it all. We are DOOMED!

Picardson: Wot's the problem now, Troi, mate? Yer know, yer really
don't belong on the bleedin' Bridge.

[The yerng navigator, Will Crusher, son of the Chief Medical Nurse,
Maureen Crusher, reports ter the bleedin' captain. Yerng Crusher is
the bleedin' yerngest person ever ter serve on a starship. 'e's a
super-genius. The captain finks of him as if 'e was 'is own son.
The captain 'as a bit of a crush on 'is mom.]

Will Crusher: Golly, sir. There's a really big power surge approaching.

DATA: DANGER, cor blimey! DANGER! Struth! ALIEN APPROACHING, cor blimey!

Troi: Oh, the bleedin' pain!

[There is a sudden blindin' light on the bridge, and a giant Carrot-Man
is standin' on the bridge.]

C: I am Carrot Man. Yer can call me Circus Flea. I represent the
Vegetable Continuum. Yer tresspassin' into our space.
Go back. Yer can't 'ave a knees-up wivout a joanna. Yer
will receive no furffer warning.

Picardson: We are on a peaceful, colonizin' mission.

C: We don't want yer furry mammals in our space anymore. Go oray.

[C disappears]

Troi: Yer! Honest guv! Yar. Yer're security chief. Wy didn't yer
kill that monster. He'll destroy us all!

[Judy Yar, security chief, looks uncertain. Tears begin ter swell
in 'er eyes.]

Picardson: That'll be enough, Troi! Struth! We are on a peaceful
mission. I'll get out me spoons. Judy was right not ter fire.

Troi: Well, I will assume we will be givin' up this silly mission and
returnin' to Earff.

Picardson: We are goin' on. We 'ave crew members waitin' for us at
ReallyFarPoint.

Troi: But that 'ideous creature will destroy us!

Picardson: Well, ter be safe, we'll detach the bleedin' saucer section
and put all of the women and children aboard. Yer're free ter
join them.

Will Crusher: But, sir! Honest guv! We can't detach!

Picardson: Wy's that, son?

Will Crusher: Because the ship is just one big saucer, sir.

Picardson: 'mm. Yer're right. Then it's settled. On ter ReallyFarPoint.

Troi: This ain't the last yer'll 'ere from me! I'm goin' to get
sumfink to eat. Come along, yer bumblin' boobie.

Picardson: Yes, DATA. Go along and keep the good doctor out of
Barney Rubble.

DATA: WOE IS THE LIFE OF AN ANDROID!

Troi: 'urry along, yer tin ninny. I 'ave an excruciatin' back-ache.

[They depart down the turbo-lift]

Yar: Wy do we put up wiv 'im, Captain?

Will: Golly. 'e's not so bad, once yer get ter know 'im.

Picardson: That'll be enough of that. 'ave yer built that new super-
anti-matter-converter for yer muvver yet?

Will: I'm still studyin' up on Quantum-anti-matter-physics sir. I should
have it invented before dinner.

Picardson: Just don't forget ter eat yer dinner. Yer know 'ow yer mom
gets upset wen yer skip yer daily veggies.

C: VEGGIES??!!! Struth! That's the bleedin' last stror! Boat Race
the wraff of the Vegitable Continuum!, mate!

[All freeze as the voice booms across the bridge. Suddenly the bleedin'
ship lurches as it is frown across the vast reaches of space!]

Will: I CAN'T GET CONTROL SIR, mate! WE'RE MOVING AT INCREDIBLE SPEED!

[Picardson lunges for the intercom ter call Chief Engineer Penny LaForge]
Picardson : Penny, mate! We're out of control. Can yer put the
mockers on us?

LaForge: EEEEEEEEEEEK!!!

[Suddenly the ship puts the mockers on it's terrible momentum]

Picardson: Will, were are we?

Will: Unknown, sir. We are farffer than any ship 'as travelled before.

Picardson: Yer mean we're...

Will: ...LOST IN 'YPERSPACE!!!

Yar: EEEEEEEEEK!

[All look up at the James Dean ter see a GIANT ship approaching.
DATA appears on the bridge]

DATA: WARNING WARNING! Struth! DANGER, WILL CRUSHER!

Picardson: Wy it looks like a...

[Suddenly a Boat Race appears on the James Dean]

Alien: Arrr, me maties. Yer be tresspassin' in Borg space. I'm Cap'n
Tucker, the meanest Borg Pirate yer'll ever meet. Cor blimey
guv, would I lie to you. Prepare to be boarded and scuttled!
Struth! Arr.

Troi: AAAIIIIEE, mate! WE'RE DOOMED!

[Fade Out]

[Narrator's Voice over]
Tune in next week ter see the bleedin' efforts of the space ship
Enterprise as it trys ter escape the dangers of outer space, and find
it's way back to Alpha Centuri.

[Quick shot of First Officer Riker tappin' his foot and lookin' at
'is watch]

Even if Picardson and 'is crew escape the Borg Pirates, they must still
Boat Race the wraff of the Vegetable Continuum. Bruce Lee kidnaps
Captain Picardson and sends 'im ter a space zoo, wile a mesterious
alien trys ter lure Doctor Troi into destroyin' the ship.

Alien: Pretty, 'andsome, pretty, Dr. Troi. Make ship go boom!

DATA: DANGER, guv! DANGER!

[Fade out, roll credits]
 
To the best of our knowledge, the text on this page may be freely reproduced and distributed.
If you have any questions about this, please check out our Copyright Policy.

 

totse.com certificate signatures
 
 
About | Advertise | Bad Ideas | Community | Contact Us | Copyright Policy | Drugs | Ego | Erotica
FAQ | Fringe | Link to totse.com | Search | Society | Submissions | Technology
Hot Topics
Simpsons movie!!
blazing saddles SUCKED
Gummo
Hannibal Rising
Who's Your Caddy?
Requiem for a dream
Mobster Movies
Top Ten Movies to Watch on Acid
 
Sponsored Links
 
Ads presented by the
AdBrite Ad Network

 

TSHIRT HELL T-SHIRTS