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Star Trek: Ten Top Plot Lines You Never Saw in Tim
Top Ten Plot Lines You Never Saw in Time's Arrow II
---------------------------------------------------
10. Mark Twain stays in 24th century. Writes best-selling
"A Connecticut Klingon in King Arthur's Court."
9. Data's head sings "I've got no body" like Marty Feldman in Young
Frankenstein.
8. Troi secretly wishes the rest of the crew loses their heads. It
sure would make her job easier!
7. While in the 19th century, crew runs into the TOS crew in that
horrid "High Noon" episode.
6. 19th century people think Riker's a goofball too.
5. San Francisco really a holodeck simulation as part of a twisted
Romulan plan. 19th century Guinan is really Sela in disguise.
4. Captain Picard refuses to reattach Data's head because it "makes
a nice bookend."
3. Old West Guinan taken to 24th century. Drinks and advice now
served twice as fast!
2. 12% degregation of Data's head shows its effects. Data reboots
into DOS.
1. Captain Picard finds 19th century fashions extremely comfortable
and well-fitting. Wears topcoat and hat for rest of season, ending
all shirt-tugging "Picard maneuvers."
Top Ten Other Reasons Barkley was Stressed
------------------------------------------
10. Thought he saw Elvis in the transporter.
9. Heard a rumor of an upcoming four hour Trek miniseries -- "Return to
the Royale."
8. Holodeck stuck in Disco Fever simulation again.
7. New Chief Engineer to be Mr. T from the A-Team.
6. Due to Federation-wide recession, Enterprise refitted for a five year
mission to balance the budget. Barkley transferred to accounting.
No more cool techie adventures!
5. Poker group keeps using Barkley as an easy mark.
4. Riker to show his boring vacation slides from his last leave on Raisa
again.
3. Encounter with super-intelligence has left residual effects. Barkley
seems to be spending a lot of free time playing Tetris.
2. Promised he'd babysit Alexander next weekend.
1. Two words -- "President Quayle!"
Spoilers dead ahead, captain!
Third episode -- third list. I hope this list isn't as lame as "man
of the people!" Yech.
Top Ten Lines You Didn't Hear in "Man of the People"
----------------------------------------------------
10. Klingons do NOT do Tai Chi! -- Worf
9. I don't want anybody else, when I think about you, I touch myself. -Troi
8. I guess this means I get a good evaluation. --that lucky young crewman.
7. Do we have to bring somebody back from the dead in EVERY episode
this season? --Beverly
6. Help me, I'm melting! -- Evil Ambassador
5. I am sorry Counselor, I can only repeat that function a limited
number of times each night. --Data
4. What? No lines? -- Geordi
3. And I thought *I* had serious psychological problems! -- Barclay
2. Father, what is "horny?" -- Alexander
1. Damn, these Betazoids are real PAINS! -- Captain Picard
Eee -- capt'n, I don't think she can take any more of these spoilers
and top ten lists!
Yes!! Finally a real good episode this season (altho with a lousy ending).
So from the TA office in Los Angeles, California ....
Top Ten Surprises in Store when the Rest of the TOS Crew Visits
---------------------------------------------------------------
10. Sulu and Riker square off in a "big grin" contest.
9. Worf confronts his great-grandfather Chekov.
8. Spock picks up a Romulan sense of humor. Yikes!
7. Picard wears a toupee so Kirk feels at home.
6. Uhura nearly loses an eardrum when she tries sticking a
communicator/broach in her ear.
5. Mudd puts a tribble in the replicator. Comedic hijinks ensue!
4. Dr. McCoy is actually young and happily well-adjusted. He just
appears old and cranky because he is being used as a recepticle of
evil thoughts.
3. Geordi learned a little TOO much from Scotty. He now claims it
takes "one month" to do a level 1 diagnostic.
2. Scotty becomes a professor at Star Fleet Academy and makes Wesley
do a lot of work in radiation chambers.
1. Nurse Chapell's been stuck in the Enterprise's computer for 75 years!
---------------
If you really liked this top ten list, please send me mail. If you'd
like to contribute any ideas, I'd love to hear them!
OK, I admit it. I couldn't think of a good funny topic for
"Schisms." So here is my backup list, prepared weeks in advance for
just such an emergency. So from the TA office in Los Angeles,
California ---
This is a political Top Ten list. I have tried to be offensive
evenly to all three candidates, so no flames please!
Without any further ado,
Top Ten Reasons Captain Picard is Voting for Bush
-------------------------------------------------
10. Clinton has too much hair.
9. Barbara reminds him of his dear Maman.
8. Loves a good mystery -- like searching for Bush's economic plan.
7. Would also rather discuss war in Bosnia than fight.
6. Both have goofy second-in-commands.
5. Pro-life. Having unwanted children on the Enterprise makes a
good plot device.
4. Enterprise obviously a product of high military spending.
3. Picard is a Texas Rangers fan.
2. Who needs an environmental policy when you have a holodeck?
1. Spelling of potato changed in early 24th century. Quayle was
a genius ahead of his time!
Top Ten Reasons Riker's for Clinton
-----------------------------------
10. Heck, Clinton gets the girls.
9. Pro-choice. Wishes Wesley was aborted.
8. Wouldn't mind "doing" Hillary.
7. Likes name "slick Willie." (Unfortunately, several of the female
crew members have been referring to Riker as "quick Willie" if ya know
what I mean.)
6. Doesn't much like his father either.
5. Riker never went to Vietnam.
4. Thinks of himself as part of "cultural elite."
3. Troi likes Clinton -- 'nuff said.
2. Riker identifies with Democratic Jackass.
1. Both Riker and Clinton can't play music worth a damn.
Well, to be fair, here's half a top ten list for that
half-a-candidate Perot.
Top Ten Reasons No One is Voting for Perot
------------------------------------------
5. There's already one Frenchman in charge.
4. Riker will never shave his beard off.
3. Barclay swears that Perot's got "Transporter anxiety."
2. Data says "Perot? Ah -- demagogue, athoritarian, little Napoleon, ..."
1. Klingons do NOT vote for third party candidates!!!
- "Worf, what will it take to convince you that there are no spoilers ahead?"
- "Space bar!"
Ewww! Speaking of Q, this episode reminded me of James Bond's
champagne in "The Man With the Golden Gun" -- Foo Yuk! Really. This
was just a bad ripoff of "Bewitched" without the laugh track. Q had
some good lines though!!
But let's leave the reviews to the experts!
From the stressed, midterm-bound, maybe-a-TA-no-longer office in Los
Angeles, California ....
Top Ten Pranks at Q University
------------------------------
10. Melting Professors!
9. Getting the answers to the final exam *before* the test is even written!
8. Changing the gravitational constant of the universe during
football games.
7. Rewriting history during lecture, confusing the professor to no end.
6. Disassembling universes and rebuilding them in friends' dorm rooms.
5. Creating partial vacuums in people's underwear.
4. Going to the prom *as* your date.
3. "Inside-Out Day" -- not your clothes, your body!
2. Interdimensional panty raids.
1. Replacing the fine coffee they usually serve with dilithium crystals!
---
Wish me luck on my midterms!
---
Spoilers ahead, so ask your mommy first.
I liked "Rascals." It had a somewhat lousy plot -- with the
oh-so-getting-overused "just use the transporter to fix any problem"
ending, but it had some very funny lines.
So from the "post-midterm disaster area" in Los Angeles, California ...
Top Ten Changes With the "Kiddie Captain" in Charge
---------------------------------------------------
10. Captain logs now start with "Stardate 90210."
9. Replicators no longer make vegetables. (bet you could see that
one coming a mile away!)
8. "Ready Room" renamed to "Romper Room."
7. Souvenir flute from the "Inner Light" traded for an electric guitar.
6. Can't stop giggling whenever he refers to Riker as "Number One."
5. Now on a five year mission in search of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
4. Alexander new security chief.
3. Plans on saving all hair clippings "just in case."
2. Forget all those Shakespeare references -- comic books now the
order of the day!
1. In next week's episode, the crew comes down with cooties!
------
Next week -- Alexander is involved in a plot blatenly stolen from
"Westworld." I think I'll watch Murphy Brown instead!
Top ten list #7. Collect them, trade them, share them with your
friends! Send me mail for back issues.
Well, missy, there are spoilers ahead.
Don't these Season 6 episodes seem familiar? That's because the
plots are all recycled from old TV shows and movies. Notice: "True
Q" = "Bewitched," "Schisms" = "The Twilight Zone," "Times Arrow" = "Time
Tunnel," and "A Fist Full of Datas" = "Westworld." It's a trend for the
rest of the season. So from the TA office in Los Angeles, California ...
Top Ten Upcoming Plot Lines Stolen from 1970's TV Shows
-------------------------------------------------------
10. Data interviews an array of eccentric characters while taking
subspace call-ins on "Data-hue."
9. The crew gets an economic lesson on perceived pricing strategies
and has the opportunity to win valuable prizes on the "Enterprise is
Right."
8. Data once again tries to find love -- this time by interviewing 3
lovely ladies with amusing double entendres in "The Data Game."
7. Captain Picard and the valiant crew defeat the Borg by exposing
them to music that has a beat they can't resist in "Shake your Borgie."
6. A series of murders baffles Dr. Crusher until she resorts to
doing autopsies. Meanwhile, Q's back. Yes, it's "Q-incy!"
5. Troi, Riker, and Ro are trapped during a storm on a planet and
forced to share an emergency shelter in "Three's a Landing Party."
4. The Enterprise takes Luaxana and Milton Berle(!) on a romantic
trip to Raisa. Meanwhile some comedic Ferengis smuggle some contraband
in Luaxana's luggage! Riker escorts guests to their rooms,
Guinan serves drinks, Crusher handles space-sickness, and Picard
provides class and wit. All this and more on the "Love Starship!"
3. A transporter accident (surprise!) gives Geordi the superhuman
powers of the Q in "I Dream of Geordi."
2. Captain Picard pretends he's a detective to whom he bears more
than just a passing resemblance in "Ko-Jacques."
1. Any plot from "Space 1999." Oops! These are saved for "Deep
Space 9!"
-------
Top Ten List #8. Collect them, trade them, share them with your friends!
Send me mail for back issues.
Is it alive or is it a spoiler?
This list isn't one of my best, but I have been busy growing a beard
and it's been taking up most of my concentration :-)
So from the beautiful economics department in scenic smog-free Los
Angeles ...
Top Ten Signs That Data's Becoming A Liability
----------------------------------------------
10. Dripping oil under his station.
9. When Geordi reattached Data's head, he had some left over parts he
didn't know what to do with.
8. Data's "full fuctionality" and superhuman speed has resulted in
the deaths of some female crewmembers.
7. Spot now has unsightly borg-implants.
6. 6-year 60,000 light year warranty almost expired.
5. Is it just me, or does Data's burning desire to be a human seem eerily
like the obsession of the serial killer in "Silence of the Lambs?"
4. Data keeps making lewd remarks and giving lecherous looks to the
washing machines.
3. Data's HAL imitation is no longer funny. And since he's refused
to stop it, it's darn right eerie!
2. Life aboard the Enterprise is no longer as pleasant since Data
led an armed insurrection to free the food replicators from slavery.
1. Since Data's affected the holodeck, Riker's holodeck "simulations"
are no longer very stimulating!
------
Next week -- it's a rerun! However a NEW top ten list is already in
the works, so don't fret!
Ooooh look, it's Top Ten List #9! Wouldn't you like to be one of the
cultural elite -- a possessor of the complete collection? Send me
mail for back issues.
-------
Guaranteed Spoiler Free!! Happy Turkey Day!
Since it's a rerun week I have to (*gasp*) come up with an original
topic. Anyway, while at my grandmother's house I picked up an old
copy of "Moment Magazine" (a favorite of Jewish grandmothers
everywhere) that had an article entitled "Is Star Trek Jewish?"
Among other revelations, it claimed that Worf's adoptive parents were
originally supposed to be Orthodox Jews, but was changed because it
made Worf appear too "wimpy." He was given Russian parents instead,
evidently because they are more macho, I guess.
Anyway, in light of this, I present (from the office in Los Angeles,
of course) ....
Top Ten Changes If Worf Were Jewish
-----------------------------------
10. Mother's constant reminders that "you could shoot your eyes out
with one of those things" explain why Worf is a lousy shot.
9. Knows he could be second-in-command instead of that WASP Riker if
Star Fleet didn't have secret quota system.
8. Worf's appearance demonstrates stereotype of Jews having large
foreheads and bumpy "horns" on heads.
7. Only Klingon that won't eat Gach because live worm-like things aren't
kosher.
6. Worf's full name is "Worf Ben-Mogg."
5. Worf wasn't in the first few episodes of this season as they
coincided with the High Holidays.
4. Worf lives by his personal credo -- "I am a honorable Klingon
warrior who just happens to identify with Woody Allen's characters!"
3. And you thought Deanna's mother was overbearing!
2. "Ethics" episode would have contained the lines: "Fine, don't kill
me. I'll just lie here and suffer. Oy! I'm suffering! Am I
suffering enough for you yet? I'm in pain. Are you satisfied? (etc.)"
1. What kind of name is "Alexander" for a nice Jewish boy?
-----------
Top Ten List #10!
It's funnier than "Dracula" and "Malcom X" combined! Order your free
collection of Top Ten Lists delivered to your computer. Send me mail
for your personal copy.
------
No spoilers here!
This week's a rerun so once again, it's up to me to find some humor!
I've got finals RSN, so don't expect much.
OK. Here's the concept. Bill Clinton is on the Enterprise. Don't ask.
So from the TA office in Los Angeles, California ...
Top Ten Plot Twists in the "Clinton on the Enterprise" Episode
--------------------------------------------------------------
10. Bill is watching "Hee Haw" and discussing his experiences as a
Rhodes scholar with some friends. The fabric of the universe can't
take this juxtiposition of the idiotic with the intelligent and Bill
is technobabbly transported to the Enterprise.
9. Picard is stunned into utter speechlessness by Clinton's hair.
8. Shares "war stories" with Riker. ie. "And then her husband
walked in!"
7. Thanks to replicator, all food is FAST food! Clinton's in hog heaven!
6. Dr. Crusher politely tells Bill, "with our medical technology, we
can correct that overbite."
5. Clinton learns from Star Fleet how to eliminate the US budget
deficit -- get rid of money!
4. Bill & Will save Enterprise from hostile aliens by playing a rather bad
duet on Sax and Trombone.
3. Advances in genetic engineering can eliminate problems from
inbreeding. Clinton brings the technology home to Arkansas and
becomes a hero!
2. Clinton makes the transporter an intregal part of his universal
health care plan.
1. As he leaves the Enterprise, Clinton closes his goodbye with "I
still belive in a place called Hope." Data responds with, "There are
exactly 143,452 settlements with that name in the geographical records."
-------
Top Ten List #11!
It's funnier than a root canal and provides more laughs than an auto
wreck! It's the complete Top Ten List Collection! Order your free
copy from the "Automatic Mail System." It's easy. Just send me mail
at "[email protected]" with "gimmie" as the subject. It will
automatically mail the lists to you.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jason Zarin [email protected] Grad Student at UCLA
To an economist, real life is just a special case.
Go Bruins!!! (Both UCLA and Boston)
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