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Vax Trek
Filename: p.144
Category: Star Trek (tm) parodies
Title(s): VAXTREK
Author(s): Tom Wade, Eoin Meehan
Newsgroup: rec.arts.startrek
Poster: Scott N. Streeter
Date posted: 1990 10 15 16:12:35 GMT
First date published: 1990 10 15 16:12:35 GMT
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
These are the voyages of the StarVAX ENTERP::, it's five-year mission:
to explore strange new nodes, to seek out new protocols, new hardware-
to boldly address where no call-request packet has been addressed before!
"Captain's Log - Etherdate 0B-00-0D-7B-EF-A8
The StarVAX ENTERP:: is in standard orbit around a strange, hostile, barren
system. Previous Federation scouting missions have disappeared without trace
and the we have been sent to find out what happened. The only reference
the ships computer has is an alien symbol transmitted back to VAXbase by a
previous expedition before it disappeared - "/usr/etc/planet". What can it
mean?"
System Programmer Spock leaned over his OPA0: and tried to penetrate the
dense shell surrounding this barren rock, but even photon protocols were being
deflected.
"Spock, what do you think?" inquired Kirk from his command chair.
"It's illogical, Captain" he toned in his level Vulcan manner. "I've
tried communicating in every protocol known to VAXfleet in every combination.
I have tried DDCMP, X.25, SNA, BSC, IPARS, ASYNC, SYNC, ASCII, EBCDIC, EBCD -
even BAUDOT and MORSE! Nothing registers!"
Kirk's communicator warbled for attention. He pressed the RET button.
"Kirk here"
"Scott here Captain. I dinnae think the Etherdrives will hold out on the
journey back to VAXbase. We need fresh, empty packets. ETA0: is down to 20%
free and ETA1: is nearly at 0%! We've detected natural ethercables down on the
planet. Our only chance is to try to interface to that thing with an
Etherbridge!"
"Impossible, Scotty" replied Kirk. "No-one has managed to interface
to a system like that - I've never come across this before - but I have a
feeling ... it's a Unix"
A hush decended on the bridge. Operator Sulu did not have to be told:
he declared Red Alert. Sirens echoed around the ship, as audit alarms
were enabled.
"A Unix, Captain?" inquired NetManager Uhura. "What's that?"
"A Unix - Unnatural Network Interface eXtended - they were
outlawed by the CCITT (Committee for the Continuation of Intergalactic
Thankless Tasks at their last meeting on Regulus IV. You know, the one where
the Institute for Badly-made Machines finally declared an end their fruitless
research into a Tokenring warpdrive after two centuries. But I never thought
I'd actually see one.
"Scotty, we have no choice - we'll have to PAD down. Could you break
that shell just long enough for the TRA0: to open a virtual channel?"
"Aye, Cap'n" replied Scotty. "If we fire enough RTLLCUAs (Random
two-letter lower-case unintelligible acronyms) at it theres a chance we can
crash it's shell. But we could also zap our own root and I dinnae think the
engines'l take that!"
"OK, Scotty, we'll have to risk it. Spock, join me in the PAD room with
a portable Etherbridge. I'll also want a team of Security ACLs. Let's go!"
Kirk and Spock stood on the PAD. "Set your PHA0:s for high-water
marking" Kirk ordered. "We're taking no chances. Anything that attacks us
will get zeroed AND erased. Energise!"
Scotty threw the Fast Select switch and Kirk, Spock and the ACLs
were dispatched to the surface of the hostile ball of electronic hell.
They reassembled on a barren wasteland. Kirk had to shout to be
heard above the noise. "Remember STOP/ID first and find out the process-name
later!"
A voice boomed out. "su ; grep /user/vaxling/* | rm"
(roughly translated: load your guns and find the vaxlings, and
when you do, destroy them).
Kirk and his party dived for cover. "I AM CAPTAIN KIRK OF THE STARVAX
ENTERP::. WE ARE HERE ON A PEACEFUL MISSION!"
The creature took no notice whatsoever.
"Captain", Spock interjected. "I seem to recall that the Unix only
speaks in lower-case."
"Uh, right, thanks Spock". Kirk turned to the creature again.
"i am captain kirk of the starvax enterp::. we are here on a peaceful
mission."
A shadow of recognition and what might pass for intelligence registered
on the creatures face. But then it began roaring "urm star!" over and over
again. It approached menacingly.
"Spock, try some SMTP on him" Kirk shouted. "Every half-intelligent
system in the Galaxy can converse in SMTP!"
Spock: helo unix
Creature: "helo: not found"
Spock: mail from: [email protected]
Creature: "Usage: mail [user] [-pxhduytbnc]"
Spock shouted. "Captain, try giving it some vowels. It seems to
be somewhat lacking in those!"
Kirk took out his VAXfleet Alien eXtended Gift Pack for eXtra-
terrestrials (VAXgpx) and slowly showed the vowels to the creature. "Here,
Creature. These are good, logical, vowels. See - SHOW TIME, DIRECTORY, COPY
even ANALYZE/ERROR/SINCE=TODAY!"
"CAPTAIN!! They're not in lower-case!!!" Spock warned.
At the sight of the logical, case-independant vowels, the creature
seemed to get very annoyed and began to bear down on the landing party.
"Take cover!", Kirk shouted, "Spock, try to locate his process ID,
I'll see if I can stun him with a Force Exit System Service".
Spock pointed his Tricorder and expertly searched for the creatures
PID. "Urm star!" the creature kept roaring. Suddenly, a burst of electrical
energy erupted from the creatures talons and a plasma deletion-asterisk lanced
toward the party. An ACL wasn't quick enough and the asterisk caught him full in
the chest. He was instantly transformed into a symbolic stack dump.
"$REPLY/TO=SYSTEM 'PID found Captain. It's 2CF!'" shouted Spock.
"$PHASER = 2CF (= Set phasers to kill)"
"$STOP/ID =''PHASER' (= Fire!)"
The Super-User crashed to the ground in the midst of a core dump as
the entire landing party opened multiple input channels from their PHA0:s.
Kirk walked over to the remains of the entity. "A core dump is
always an ugly sight!"
"Looks like the shell is disintegrating also, Captain" said Spock.
Kirk agreed. "Let's get our Etherdrive packets then PAD back to
the ENTERP::. I've had enough of this Unix. There's a natural ethercable over
there. System Programmer Spock, attach the etherbridge, enable NETMBX and
send up the packets"
Spock attached the H4005 and plugged the AUI cable into the etherbridge. He
flipped opened his communicator.
"FTP ENTERP"
%I-TRYCONN-Attempting to connect to ENTERP
220 USS Enterprise, go ahead landing party.
"Login Spock"
331 Please verify identification.
"UHURA-HAS-A-CUTE-BUM"
230 Password correct, proceed.
"SEND ETHERPACKETS"
200 Port 42,1701,1,1,138,80 Okay
125 Packets are present - sending contents.
226 closing connection.
%I-FTP-GONE-Transferred 1008700 bytes in 4 s.
"Exit"
221 closing connection, may the Force be with you
"Smart ass FTP server", mumbled Spock. "15 recoverable media errors on
device TRA0, captain".
"OK, Spock. let's get out of here", answered Kirk.
Kirk pressed the RET button on his communicator.
"Kirk to ENTERP::"
Static hiss answered.
Spock held up his tricorder. The words "Unexpected System Service
Exception" lit up on the display.
"Captain, we appear to have lost our connection to the ENTERP::
Tricorder indicates Network Partner Exited".
"%F-COMMAND-EXPLETIV-Damn it Spock, we're stranded -- and it's at
least 50 parsecs to the nearest Inode"
"%I-OPCOM-RESPONSE-Captain, I suggest we take cover among that pile
of free blocks to the east, until we can regain contact with the
ENTERP::"
The Free Blocks turned out to be the remains of a small inode which had
been wiped out by a recent plague. From the remains of several log files,
they tried to deduce what had happened, but the only clue was the cryptic
message scrawled in blood on a nearby struct which said "remember to relink
it nodebug before you distribute it!".
By that monument to Secure Software Distribution they set their translation
attributes to Concealed and entered a HIB state.
* * * * *
Field Service Engineer Scott was worried as he sat in the console chair. The
Enterprise had lost contact with the landing party. The etherdrives were
replenished and had passed all the diagnostic tests, but the ethernet was
a different story.
Well, in fact, it's really part of this story, so we'll tell you anyway.
Somebody was jabbering. The whole ether, presumably as far as the Andromeda
Repeater was jammed by a continuous burst of noise from the planet below.
"If we cannae get this sorted oot, it'll be back to the Async drives",
he said to the hushed bridge, "and that'll mean nearly five years to get
to the nearest Router, assuming no data overruns, of course."
McCoy, the Diagnostic Supervisor, was in no better mood. "It's all
that pointy-eared programmers fault", he said, "why couldn't he leave
it to remote diagnostics ?"
"Mr Scott", said Operator Uhura, "message coming in on Port 25 from the
planet. Switching to Bridge relay".
"attn aln spccrft", intoned the voice, "y wll srrndr yr shp immdtly, r y
wll b blstd by r plntry dfns systms"
WHAT IS THIS LATEST THREAT TO THE BRAVE CREW OF THE STARVAX ENTERP::?
WILL KIRK AND SPOCK SURVIVE ON THE DESOLATE /usr/planet?
WILL SCOTTY BE ABLE BREAK THE ETHERBABBLE?
DOES UHURA HAVE A CUTE BUM?
TUNE IN TO THE NEXT EPISODE OF:
V A X T R E K
ON A NETWORK NEAR YOU!
fade out ...
swish ... uuuuu ... uuuuu uu uuu uu uu uuuuu ... swish ...
(thats the theme)
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