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Vax Trek V, the movie, The Crunchy Bits 3
Filename: p.035
Category: Star Trek (tm) parodies
Title(s): VAX Trek V The Movie
The Crunchy Bits: Episode 3
Author(s): David J. Young
Newsgroup: (email)
Poster: David J. Young
Date posted: 1989 05 22
First date published: 1988 12 ??
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
VAX Trek V The Movie: "The Crunchy Bits"
----------------------------------------
Episode 3:
----------
Captain's log, CPU Time: 4:42 point 42
--------------------------------------
By a stroke of genius, Scotty has managed to make episode 3 happen before
episode 2, thus saving Lt.Uhura's life. We expect to rendezvous soon with an
earth bound supply ship, which Lt.Uhura will journey home aboard...thus avoiding
the untimely death which would have befallen her if she'd stayed on till
episode 2.
Jim:"Mr.Sulu..let me know when we hit the supply ship."
Spock: "Jim..."
Jim: "Quiet Spock!..can't you see I'm talking to Mr. Sulu?"
Sulu:"Be fair captain, my driving isn't THAT bad."
Jim: "Well try not to do so much damage this time....the Federation had to
write-off the last supply ship we hit, and you killed 500 crew members. It's
just as well they were all red jersey grade or you'd have been up for a
Federation Court Martial."
Sulu: "I've taken lessons since then...I can steer the ship fine now."
Spock: "Jim..."
Jim: "Shut up Spock...I'm still addressing Mr.Sulu..."
Sulu: "As I was saying...I've now realised that the secret of steering the
EnterKey properly is to look where you're going...quite obvious really."
Spock: "Jim..I hate to interrupt your enthralling conversation with Mr.Sulu,
but the fact that we are about to collide with a large planet might
be of considerable interest to both of you."
Jim: "Hooooooooolllleeeeeeeeeeeee Sh** !!!!!"
Sulu: "..I beg your pardon?"
Jim: "Quick you fool!..slam on the brakes!..Scotty give us full reverse warp
drive power!!!!"
Scotty: "The dilithium crystals canna take it captain..."
Jim: "Right!..activate the flashing red lights and start up the whooping sirens
...this is a red alert...we're going to have to attempt a crash landing"
Sulu: "Are you sure we can do that sir?"
Jim: "Yes you idiot...it's in the script. That big green button to your left
that wasn't there last week lowers the undercarriage."
Sulu: "Oh!..so THAT's what it does...ok then..undercarriage lowered...we're
going in....hang on to yer trousers...."
Frodo sat in his favourite chair by the fire, in his comfortable little
Hobbit hole at Bag End, sipping tea and enjoying a good smoke on his pipe..
It was finest grade pot from the eastern marches, and its full effect was now
coming over Frodo...Gandalf, lounging in the other chair, now looked like a
little pink fluffy elephant, which would periodically flap its ears and float
around the room. Gandalf meanwhile...who was also partaking of the evil weed
FELT like he was a little pink fluffy elephant that periodically flapped its
ears and floated round the room.
"Like heaveee man...what was that bang I just heard?", said Gandalf..suddenly
sitting bolt upright in his chair and straining to hear the commotion outside
the window.
"It's just the start of the percussion section.....you know..we're on the third
side now....", replied Frodo.
"I knew I should never have bought you Tales From Topographic Oceans...and that
bloody record player is an anachronism anyway...you should get rid of it.",
said Gandalf as he got up from his chair and staggered toward the small round
window.
"Oh bugger....it's that idiot Kirk again and his bloody starship...they've
crash landed right in the middle of Hobbiton.", exclaimed Gandalf with faint
signs of annoyance sweeping over his face. He straightened out his flares,
buckled his sandals and made for the door...with Frodo scurrying after in a
state of bemused excitement....
Next Week: Episode 2.
Credits:
-------
Story by: DJY
Special Effects: DJY
Photon Torpedoes Supplied By: DJY
VAX Computer System kindly run by: Those Great Computer Centre People
Prevailing wind and weather patterns by: The Coriolis Effect.
Tune in again..same time..same channel...next week...for another thrilling
episode.
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