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Vax Trek V, the movie, The Crunchy Bits 6
Filename: p.039
Category: Star Trek (tm) parodies
Title(s): VAX Trek V The Movie
The Crunchy Bits: Episode 6
Author(s): David J. Young
Newsgroup: (email)
Poster: David J. Young
Date posted: 1989 05 22
First date published: 1989 ?? ??
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
VAX Trek V The Movie: "The Crunchy Bits"
----------------------------------------
Episode 6:
----------
Captain's Log Stardate 42.424242
--------------------------------
We are being held at gunpoint by an impostor who was posing as Uhura, and
to make matters worse, we are confronted by three Klingon battlecruisers..
Uhura: "Oi! what do you think you're doing! Get back over there and keep
your hands up!"
Jim: "I was just doing my Captain's log"
Uhura: "I'll DO you if you don't watch it Kirk"
Spock: "Little man, if he DOESN'T do the log then Starfleet Command will send
out a patrol ship to look for us. And then we'd be rescued, you'd be
caught, hung, and then given a fair trial. You wouldn't want that
would you?"
Uhura: "As long as you didn't put anything in the log that might arouse
their suspicions..."
Jim: "Oh no no, nothing of the sort....Just the usual stuff about the
engines, the crew, the ship in general really."
Uhura: "...Nothing about me?"
Jim: "Nope...it completely slipped my mind that you were here actually.."
Uhura: "Hmm..alright then...but check with me next time you want to do
anything."
Jim: (whispering) "phew!...that was a close one Spock....how long till
Starfleet get here with the heavy artillery?"
Spock: (whispering) "3.4212 hours approximately Captain"
Jim: "Damn...how can we hold out here for over 3 hours?...I feel like I need
to go and powder my nose already..."
Checkov: "Here Captain, you can use mine" (producing a make-up set from his
handbag)
Jim: "Groan...Checkov...you must learn not to translate everything literally
into Russian...when I say I want to powder my nose I mean...oh
forget it......."
Uhura: "Look you lot!..Stop muttering...just keep your hands up, and keep
quiet!" (fiddling with a few switches on the communications panel)
"Purple Hamster calling Klingon battlecruisers, come in please...
Purple Hamster to Klingon battlecruisers..."
["This is Brown Envelope to Purple Hamster...we read you loud and clear.."]
Uhura: "I have the crew at gunpoint....please come aboard.."
Jim: "Why the dirty little!!....He's a Klingon agent..."
Uhura: "Very observant of you Kirk...."
Jim: "What are you after ...you..fiend!"
Uhura: "For many years the Klingons have been trying to capture a Federation
Starship...and at last we have succeeded..."
Spock: "...The Federation's greatest technical secrets are incorporated
into its starships.....they'll find out the secret of the warp drive
system.......how our weapons work....how our transporters work..."
Uhura: "Bugger all that.....we want to find out how to make our doors
go 'Sheesh'"
Jim: "How do you know OUR doors go ...'Sheesh'?"
Uhura: "It's no use pretending Kirk, we have evidence...It took us many years
to find out, but our greatest scientists
built a new sensor device that could be used to detect the door
noises on nearby starships..."
Spock: (whispering to jim) "..very ingenious....but also extremely pointless..
...Typical of the Klingons really....they've a lot to learn...
..and it has a lot to do with why we got our own TV series and they
didn't..."
Uhura: "Shut up.....and stand at attention...prepare to salute Commander
F.J.Trouserpress of the Imperial Klingon battle legion..."
[Trumpet fanfare, as the main doors to the bridge open.....]
********************* Next Week: Episode 7. ************************
Galactic Credits:
----------------
Story by: DJY
Special Effects: Available at extra cost
Transporter Powered By: Duracell batteries
VAX Computer System kindly run by: Those Great Computer Centre Peeps
Impostor Uhura Supplied By: Zorko's Dwarf Emporium
Phasers: Set to 'kill'
Tune in again..same time..same channel...next week...for another thrilling
episode....
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