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Vax Trek V, the movie, The Crunchy Bits 8
Filename: p.041
Category: Star Trek (tm) parodies
Title(s): VAX Trek V The Movie
The Crunchy Bits: Episode 8
Author(s): David J. Young
Newsgroup: (email)
Poster: David J. Young
Date posted: 1989 05 22
First date published: 1989 ?? ??
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
VAX Trek V The Movie: "The Crunchy Bits"
----------------------------------------
Episode 8:
----------
[Sheesh..]
[Aaaaaaaargh!]
....forgetting that the turbolift would not actually BE there at bridge
level, they all charge through the door and fall down the lift shaft...
....luckily only about 16 feet down, they meet the lift coming up,
and land with a resounding OOOOOMPH! on something soft...
Jim: "What the..."
Scotty: "...where did all these jerseys come from??!!?"
Jim: "...your guess is as good as mine Scotty......wait a minute..they're all
yellow or blue....this is VERY suspicious.."
Bones: "ah!....so it's true...."
Jim: "What is?"
Bones: "I've been hearing rumours that there's an illegal black market on the
lower decks, dealing in non-red jerseys......but up till now I hadn't
given it much credence."
Checkov: "That's a big word Dr.McCoy.."
Jim: "Shut up Checkov... I bet those two new Italian crew members, Nickedyatelli
and Videonasti have got something to do with it......Damn suspicious
pair of characters they are....hanging around the rec. rooms with their
dark glasses and their violin cases."
Bones: "..yes but I wonder where they got all these jerseys from..."
Jim: [Holding one up for close examination] "ha!...by the look of them,
they've knitted them themselves........How on earth they expect ANYONE
to think they'll pass as real jerseys I don't know.."
Scotty: "Cough..."
Jim: "What's the matter Scotty?..."
Scotty: "uh...oh..nothing cap'n..." [fiddling frantically with some loose ends
of wool from his own jersey....which interestingly is yellow today
rather than his usual red.]
Bones: "Sssh!...listen...Uhura has returned to the bridge..."
[There is some cursing and swearing from below.....followed by an "aha!",
followed by the sound of an unconscious Vulcan being kicked by someone
posing as a starship's communications officer in a red dress with a very short
skirt.]
Spock: "...oooooooer....what the...uuugh...get your hands off me you evil little
man!"
Uhura: "Where are your comrades, fool??!"
Spock: "Comrades?...ah so that's it..you're some kind of pinko commie marxist
aren't you?"
Uhura: "What!?"
Spock: "It won't work you know...it all depends on properly integrating the
original class ridden social structure into a single party state where
absolute individual equality is the ideal. However, in order for this
to have some degree of control, someone has to be a leader, thus
immediately destroying the original founding principle of equality.
Mind you, past cases show categorically that this form of government
wins you more medals at the Olympic games."
Uhura: [Waving his phaser menacingly] "Look...I've had just about enough of you
...anyway I've found what I was looking for...."
Spock: "...what? the door sound mechanism?"
Uhura: "..Yes...though I must admit I'd have thought the Federation's
technology was a BIT more advanced than an old battery operated tape
recorder stuffed under a lavatory cistern...."
Spock: "Yes well, admittedly it's a bit 'low-tech' but we like it"
Uhura: "Well I can't stand around all day wasting my time with you...I'm off"
Spock: "You mean you're leaving?..."
Uhura: "...that's USUALLY what one means when one says 'I'm off'...rather than
'I'm decomposing and smelling quite badly'...obviously from the context
you can tell I didn't mean the latter."
Spock: "..Oh I dunno..."
Uhura: "....Just for that I'm going to make sure this ship and all crew on it
are blown to smithereens as soon as I beam back on to the Klingon
flagship."
Jim: "Hold it right there..." [Throwing a spare phaser across to Spock]
Spock: "Well done Captain.."
Jim: "Now drop your weapon Uhura.....and CAREFULLY put the tape recorder on the
floor...then raise your hands above your head"
Uhura: "grrr.."
Checkov: "It's just like in the movies.."
[Suddenly three globular entities begin to materialise in the centre of the
bridge...]
1st Being: "Greetings,... we are the Nurbs of Morris Minor, Guardians of the
Floating Point Exception, Supreme Nobless of the Sheep Squeezers of
Splatigan Five, and utter Overlords of the Universe."
Jim: "...emm..shouldn't that be 'Nobles'?"
1st Being: "..well..no actually..'Nobless'...it's a bit embarrassing really"
Jim: "Look..we're a bit busy at the moment..." [consulting a small black book]
"...could you come back in the next episode?"
1st Being: "2 o'clock, next Wednesday?"
Jim: "Yes...we should be able to fit you in about then...I'll make a note of
that...see you then"
[The three globular beings vanish as interestingly as they arrived..]
Jim: "Right where were we?"
Checkov: "We were about to lock up this impostor in the brig until we get
to a starbase where he'll be tried for spying, hijacking, and
treason."
[There is a flash...and a puff of thick smoke...When the smoke clears, a small
pile of ash lies on the floor where Uhura once stood]
Jim: [re-holstering his phaser] "..Honestly...I just CAN'T be bothered with
damn formalities.."
*******************************************************************************
Tune in next week for a new adventure...
Will Spock be awarded an honorary degree in Politics and Social Studies?
Will Nickedyatelli and Videonasti get their knitting patterns sorted out?
Will Jim get a chance to do his log?
Galactic Credits:
----------------
Story by: DJY
Special Effects: The CNBR10 Corporation
Transporter Powered By: Duracell batteries
VAX Computer System kindly run by: Those Great Computer Centre Peeps
Impostor Uhura Supplied By: Zorko's Dwarf Emporium
Phasers: Set to 'kill'
Bone's Lines: Approved by the BMA
Scotty's Accent: Improving with practice.
Tune in again..same time..same channel...next week...for another thrilling
episode....
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