|
|
 |
|
|
|
register |
bbs |
search |
rss |
faq |
about
|
|
|
meet up |
add to del.icio.us |
digg it
|
|
|
|
Vax Trek VII, the movie, The Interesting Bit 2
Filename: p.043
Category: Star Trek (tm) parodies
Title(s): VAX Trek VII, The Movie
The Interesting Bit: Episode 2
Author(s): David J. Young
Newsgroup: (email)
Poster: David J. Young
Date posted: 1989 05 22
First date published: 1989 ?? ??
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Star Trek VII, The Movie: "The Interesting Bit"
----------------------------------------------
Episode 2
---------
Captain's Log, Stardate 11/785.12345
------------------------------------
Science officer Spock has been kidnapped by three beings posing as the Utter
Overlords of the Universe. Luckily the REAL Utter Overlords of the Universe
turned up and they'll help us track down these criminals and recover Spock.
1st Being: [Looking about as shifty and embarrassed as a globular being with no
visible appendages could possibly be] "....emmm....well actually we
CAN'T help you..."
Jim: "But you're the Utter Overlords of the Universe...amongst your other more
dubious titles...."
1st Being: "To tell the truth..none of that was true....we're just servants
of The Boss.....He's away on holiday at the moment...so we thought
we might try out a bit of supreme ruling while he was gone"
2nd Being: "We'd get into terrible trouble if we helped you out too much"
Jim: "Come on...just a teency weency little clue as to where you think they've
taken Spock?"
1st Being: "...please!..you must understand...we just can't tell you.."
Scotty: "..Captain...what about the..emm..you know what.." [winking at Jim]
Jim: [Immediately cottoning on to Scotty's fiendishly cunning plan]
"...Would a milkshake from our food synthesis unit help you change
your mind?"
[The three beings move closer together and begin whispering intensely...]
1st Being: "emmm....what flavour?"
Jim: "..anything you want."
1st Being: "Does it do chive and prune flavour?"
[In the background Sulu and Checkov turn noticeably pale and slap their
hands over their mouths]
Jim: [Trying to keep control of his stomach..and only just succeeding]
"...Unfortu..I mean, fortunately, yes...the food synthesis unit can
produce anything you desire..."
1st Being: "It's a deal then!...three chive and prune milkshakes...and don't
forget the Marachino cherries and the little umbrella things.."
Jim: "Right away.....Sulu...go and fetch that order please.."
[Sulu lurches off the bridge]
Jim: "...right then....where have they taken Spock?"
1st Being: "You're not supposed to know about this...but there's an alternative
Universe through an old black hole near here...that's where they took
your Vulcan....."
Jim: "Beta Globulus X9?"
1st Being: "yes..that's the one......Ah!..the milkshakes...Thanks..We better
be off then..."
[Sulu, now wearing a spacesuit, hands over the tray of milkshakes....and the
three beings vanish in quite an interesting manner which almost defies
description....and since it almost defies description this means it's pretty
near to being not describable..i.e. difficult to describe...so I won't bother]
Jim: "Sulu....get to your post and set a course for Beta Globulus X9...warp
factor ummm let me see...we haven't done seven for quite a while
...yes ...warp factor seven should about do it.."
Sulu: "Aye aye captain"
[Ten minutes later the Enterprise arrives in the vicinity of Beta Globulus X9]
Jim: "Right Sulu, slow ahead...impulse engines only"
Sulu: "You mean we're going into the black hole!?!?"
Jim: "Sure thing!...No-one's ever done it before...it'll be another first
for us"
Scotty: "But we'll be utterly destroyed...crushed under unimaginable forces
....to say nothing of the cost of the special effects"
Jim: "Trust me...trust me"
Checkov: "Report from damage control on deck 4, captain: They're getting thrown
about a bit down there. Major structural damage...the two main access
corridors have been blocked by wreckage and a huge fireball swept
through the whole level killing at least 50 crew members"
Jim: "Not NOW Checkov!...we haven't entered the black hole yet you fool!.."
Scotty: "Would ya look at that!" [Pointing to the awesome sight of the
swirling maelstrom of the black hole on the main forward
viewing screen]
Jim: "Right Sulu...take us in..."
[The Enterprise begins to pick up speed and heads for the very centre of the
black hole. As they descend further and further into its depths the turbulence
builds up considerably...]
Checkov: "Damage report from deck 4, captain...."
Jim: "Oh forget it Checkov...we KNOW now"
[Splat!!]
Scotty: "What the...."
[...a mass of strange yellowy greenish matter consisting mainly of what
appears to be diced carrots and vegetable soup plasters itself across the
forward viewing screen]
Jim: "....Somebody else obviously came through here and found it as rough
as we did..."
Scotty: "...aye..and look at that...there's tables and chairs and old fridges
and t.v. sets floating about out there.....Look!...and there's Spock!"
Jim: "..it's not REALLY Spock..it's just an image of him...we must be at the
event horizon...."
Scotty: "Maybe before we go on we should explain what the event horizon is?"
Jim: "Good idea" [Turning to address the camera...and pulling out a crumpled
piece of paper with some hastily scribbled notes on it]
"Ahem...The event horizon is the point in a black hole where the
gravitational force is such that light can no longer escape, thus
the image of any object passing into the black hole is preserved
at that point in space for eternity"
[Maybe the storyline's a bit dubious but at least it's educational]
[The images fade and the turbulence intensifies....]
Scotty: "...iiiiitttt''ss ggggetting pppretty rough ccccapttain"
Jim: "It's not so bad if you don't stick two fingers in your mouth and waggle
them about like that..."
Scotty: "...I ggggettt ttthe ffffeeling you'rre nnnnot entering iiinto tthe
sssppppirrit of ttthhis."
Jim: "I decided at quite an early age that if I ever had an "Entering a
Black Hole" scene to do I would refrain from the usual cliched
overacting.....It's nowhere near as terrifying as they all tell you"
[Suddenly the buffeting and turbulence reaches a mind buggering crescendo..
and then....SILENCE....]
*************** TO BE CONTINUED ***************
Yes I know....it's stopped at a really interesting bit, AGAIN.
As usual it's a case of tuning in next week to see if I can possibly make
anything of a storyline that's becoming more convoluted than the intestinal
system of a Nebulous Planet Eating Bloboid.
******************************************************************************
Credits:
Storyline: (Is there one?) DJY
Stunt Coordinator: Darth H. Vader
Fight Arranger: "Iron" Mike Tyson
Ringside Seats: At Exorbitant Prices
Computer System Run By: Wonderful Comp.Centre Peeps.
Special Thanks to: The Ops,CCA244,CNBP01,CRAA15,CADU34,CLIP07
CBAR28, and many others for their undying
support for the author through his most
troubled times, and for chipping in to pay
for the psychiatric help.
Any characters depicted in this series are fictional and any resemblance
to characters living or dead is purely unintentional. In fact it'd be
bloody remarkable to tell the truth. There surely can't be any REAL people
that wear funny jerseys that are too small for them....can there?
Special Notice:
The author has received a number of death threats from hardline
serious Star Trek fans. There will be no further episodes until
these threats are lifted. Meanwhile I'm going into hiding.
|
|
|
To the best of our knowledge, the text on this page may be freely reproduced and distributed.
If you have any questions about this, please check out our Copyright Policy.
totse.com certificate signatures
|
|
|
About | Advertise | Bad Ideas | Community | Contact Us | Copyright Policy | Drugs | Ego | Erotica
FAQ | Fringe | Link to totse.com | Search | Society | Submissions | Technology
|
|
|
|
|
|
