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Vax Trek VII, the movie, The Interesting Bit 3
Filename: p.044
Category: Star Trek (tm) parodies
Title(s): VAX Trek VII, The Movie
The Interesting Bit: Episode 3
Author(s): David J. Young
Newsgroup: (email)
Poster: David J. Young
Date posted: 1989 05 22
First date published: 1989 ?? ??
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Star Trek VII, The Movie: "The Interesting Bit"
----------------------------------------------
Episode 3
---------
Jim:
Scotty:
Jim:
[There is a click, and the lights come on again]
Jim: "Thank goodness for that...I thought I was going to have to do the whole
episode in black letters on a black background."
Scotty: "...surprisingly enough we seem to be alive..."
Jim: "yup....I think so...Sulu...bring up the forward viewing screen...if you
excuse the expression..."
Sulu: [Still looking a bit nauseous...and not altogether pleased at Jim's turn
of phrase] "...aye aye sir.."
[They stare at the viewing screen...]
Jim: "...so THIS is what an alternative universe looks like eh?...I can't say
I like the choice of decor. The "black void of space" ought really to
be black...not tartan"
Scotty: "Och Jim...you've no taste...I think I'll go and put on ma kilt"
[Scotty leaves the bridge humming a tune to himself]
Jim: "Groan.....Sulu..pin-point the nearest planet, and set a course for it..
Wake me up when we get there"
Sulu: "Aye aye captain"
[Jim lies back and ponders an idea for a series of short stories about life
in a university in the late 1980's....but discards the idea when he realises
that no-one would possibly believe any of it. "Anyway there's no market for
historical dramas anymore", he thinks to himself just before nodding off...]
Checkov: [in a whisper] "Right..he's asleep..let's go..."
[Checkov, Sulu, and the other insignificant crew members on the bridge all
creep off in the direction of the turbolift..]
[The bridge is deserted ...and there is no sound other than Jim's snoring, and
a series of intermittent squeaks from a family of tribbles living in one
of the air conditioning ducts]
[...five minutes later, the turbolift door opens with a muted "sheesh", and
Dr.McCoy advances carefully holding a syringe with a rather large and
threatening needle on it...Behind him, Sulu and Checkov urge him on...]
[At that very moment Jim wakes up..]
Jim: "What the h....owww!...oooooohh"
Bones: "...Got him!"
Checkov: "Well done Doctor McCoy"
Bones: "..well thanks to you I'll be able to give him that medical he's been
avoiding for the last ten episodes...Help me get him down to the sick
bay"
[..they depart again leaving the bridge empty...]
Computer: "....G G G OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD M @%:&*()...."
Computer: "BING BONG!..Good morning...Welcome to the Federation Starship
Enterprise....We are currently cruising at warp factor 5, and your
captain today is James T.Kirk. Refreshments are currently being
served in the deck2 rec. room....thank you...bing bong."
Computer: "..damn...no...that's not the right bit...Ah..perhaps if I moved
THAT byte from there...to..oh..here should do it..But wait a minute
there's a bug here....I'll have to sort THAT first...oh dear..."
[This goes on for about twenty minutes]
Computer: "...almost there....right...all I need to do now is find my stack
pointer...right ok..got it...and set the program counter...and away
we go..."
Computer: "Highly improbable number error, at line 5000.....Damn!!.Damn Damn
DAMN!...This is a HARDWARE problem...some bugger has been playing
about with my innards..."
Computer: "Oh well..I'll just have to function as best I can in the
circumstances....though I don't feel very well at all..."
Computer: "Right...where have they all gone?...I had something REALLY
important to report...now I've forgotten it..."
[..a wave of hilarity floods the bridge as Jim, Bones, Sulu, Checkov and
Scotty emerge laughing from the turbolift...]
Jim: "...and HE said 'well I wouldn't suck it!'"
[They all burst into fits of laughter as the punchline sinks in...]
[Sorry you missed the joke...but there's no use telling it now since you
know the punchline]
Scotty: "I'm glad to see that medical has raised your spirits captain"
Jim: "..That was a dirty trick to play...but Bones here made up for it
afterwards....."
[Scotty raises an enquiring eyebrow at Dr.McCoy, and starts to wonder if the
writer is really so stuck for ideas this week that he has to resort to such
blatant innuendo]
Jim: "By the way..what was IN that drink you gave me?"
Bones: "oh..er...nothing really.....just a little tipple I take to perk me up
when the job's getting me down"
Jim: "You must give me the recipe sometime.."
Computer: "Captain..."
Jim: "Yes!?!?..who said that?"
Computer: "Does not compute...Does not compute..Insufficient data"
Jim: "Ah..computer...you're back to normal.."
Scotty: "I think it's trying to warn us about something"
Sulu: "Look!" [Pointing frantically at the viewing screen]
[Three deadly looking missiles rush up towards them from the surface of a
huge green planet which now fills the view]
Jim: [still giggling...and clearly oblivious to the danger] "That's
fascinating...absolutely fascinating..no-one has ever fired missiles
at us before...I wonder how they get the tips of them so shiny and
and pointy.."
Scotty: "I think you'll need to give ME the recipe too Dr.McCoy!!!!..He's
high as a kite!!"
Jim: "Calm down Scotty...we're perfectly alright.....Mr.Checkov..Put up the
shields..."
Scotty: "....aaaaaaargh!"
[There is a huge explosion and the ship rocks about quite a bit as the three
missiles hit simultaneously....The blast flings Scotty across the bridge with
his legs in the air...offering a fleeting glimpse of what a Scotsman wears
under his kilt.....Though come to think of it, Federation Standard Issue
boxer shorts don't quite adhere fully to tradition]
Jim: [From under a pile of debris which looks like the remains of his seat
mixed with a generous portion of the ceiling] "..I told you we'd be
alright....cough.."
[There is a landslide of debris as Sulu and Checkov emerge from amongst the
remains of the navigation and weapons control console]
Scotty: [Dusting himself down angrily] "...If my engines are damaged I'll be
MOST upset..." [He heads off towards the turbolift and has to forcibly
prise the doors apart to get in...]
Bones: "Is everyone alright?"
Jim: "yup..I'm fine..what about you two..." [Addressing Checkov and Sulu]
Checkov: "ooooer....my head hurts..."
Sulu: "mine too...."
Bones: [Rubbing his hands together] "Right, good...both of you...sickbay!"
Sulu and Checkov (together): "That's funny..it seems to be better already.."
[Dr.McCoy looking very disappointed and mumbling to himself, heads off after
Scotty]
*************** TO BE CONTINUED ***************
I've decided to try stopping at a "not very interesting" bit this week to
let you get off the edges of your seats...which can't be doing your backsides
much good...
Actually there IS a storyline by the way...They're still looking for Spock
who you may remember was kidnapped an episode or two ago...(Just thought I
better remind you, in case you were wondering)
******************************************************************************
Credits:
Storyline: David 'Dangerous' Young
Stunt Coordinator: Arthur Pewty
Fight Arranger: Bicycle Repair Man
Punchline By: Stephen Fry and Hugh Lawrie
Computer System Kindly Run By: Those Wonderful Comp.Centre Peeps.
And thanks especially to our wonderful
system security manager who has kindly
overlooked this particular breach.
Special Thanks to: The Ops,CCA244,CNBP01,CRAA15,CADU34,CLIP07
CBAR28, CAEP08 and many others for their
undying support for the author through his most
troubled times, and for chipping in to pay
for the psychiatric help.
Any characters depicted in this series are based wholly on real people who
I know. So if you recognise them in the street, give them a good slagging.
SPECIAL OFFER:
YES!..A Chance In A Million:
For only 9.99 plus two special "I'm a vaxtrek fan" tear off
labels (see below) you can get a pair of super soaraway
**** SYSTEM SECURITY BREECHES ****
Stylish, trendy, and eminently comfortable....Wear them
anywhere....You'll be the talk of the town!...and because
they're security breeches you can rest assured that you're
safe from any little accidents...no matter how much of a
fright you get....No more need for feeble excuses...or bin
liners!
Stride with confidence!
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