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Easy Choice, Hard Decision

by sumfuktupkid

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We are all faced with difficult decisions in our lives where a choice must be made for better or for worse. Many battle with career choices, how to spread out their next pay check, which mansion they want to buy, cat or dog or both, a dozen kids or none, even pepsi or coke. For a little known number of us, the most difficult decision we will ever face is between drugs and love. Some will read this and think it's a simple decision, choose joy over artificial joy, but for those with parallel experiences to mine know that it's hard to decide even though we know what we should do.

Love is a wonderful thing, don't get me wrong, but your favourite high can be just as good as any lover. The problem with our drugs that we try not to face is that they will not be there when we run out of money (or good friends) whereas a good woman (or man) could stick it out through tough times and maybe even be your "sugar mamma" for a while. A lover can make you feel better when your down, or bring you down even harder, similar to mdma[1]. One hit can make everything just that much more beautiful similar to the sweet subtleties of life when your in love. One hit can also wreck your world and make you react to the smallest things strangely, even violently. Sounds like your "ex," doesn't it? (no pun intended) An addiction to a high is almost the same as being in love; at first you cannot get enough of it, you'll snort so much coke[2] until you can't even move, and with your new girlfriend you'll fuck until you can barely walk. As it wears you down though, you find that love and hate also have a close relationship. You find that the independence you had you somehow gave it away without even noticing. Soon, you're struggling to get a weekend to party with the boys or telling yourself that you won't touch your candy today, just to prove that your not whipped by your woman or in the other case, prove that your not addicted. Later that night, your girls winning all yours and your buds' at hold 'em[3]. Still though, even though you want some time to yourself, you find that when you have had a night to yourself, your more than glad to have her beside you again, sleeping. Being without your substance longer than usual doesn't always give you the same feeling. Many times I have wanted to kick myself for giving in to it.

Falling in love, like starting a new high, is easy. Always hard to find, but once you do, it grows on you faster than you want to admit to yourself. The most difficult thing about being in love, is staying in love. In my personal experience, it's the small things that tip me off that I've fallen for her. Simple things like the way she talks, the little jobs that she does around your place even though I've asked her not to, the way she moves, and most of all, the fact that she's there. An addiction to a drug is harder to notice, because noone wants to admit that they've become dependant on a substance. People will ignore obvious signs, such as scraping up your change for a half, carpet crawling, and that inexplicable, sometimes debilitating urge for just a taste. Most people that I've encountered have figured out that they're addicted on their own, but in some cases people will be told that they're addicted before they realize it themselves. Keeping love going is hard, mainly because the lovers become somewhat desensitized to eachother and so accustomed to eachother that they are expectant of more. After a relationship lasts years, sexual and romantic boredom is a killer. The things that used to get her or yourself smiling barely get a smile, or even worse, you don't care enough do them anymore. The couple will crave the feelings and actions they had when the relationship started, and may try to create them again or to seek them out elsewhere. This sort of scenario leads to cheating by either or both parties, which leads to long and crazy break up stories when the cheater(s) lucky. An addiction can be easier to keep going, if you call a full money clip your spare change anyways. Once addicted, people will go to self-abusive lengths for another hit. Personally I have only gone as far as being broke enough to starve myself for a few days. I know of others that will suck dick, steal, mug, and beg just for a point[4] of coke. It can never be enough, no matter how much they've come to hate their substance and themselves.

Again from my own knowledge and from what I see from others, people who become addicted to a substance are some of the most emotionally fragile individuals you'll ever meet. All those that I know will put up a front, but can easily break down in different ways, which comes to a big complication, love vs. drugs. Being so emotional and commonly suffering from some sort of mental disorder of varying degrees, having someone love an addict can feel to them like the only thing they are alive for, the only reason they feel they have left to go on. Once loved, you know that what you do will have a personal effect on your lover. Every girl that I have ever met loves to be the center of her other halves attention. Being addicted to a substance leaves very little of your thoughts for other things. A lover does not like taking the backseat to a lifeless chemical or plant, let alone hanging out with a broke tweaker all the time. This is where the choice comes in, give up what you love for someone you love, or vice versa. So many people do not realize just how hard it is to give up your chemical friends. They never seem to realize that your chemical comes with strings that are tied to friends, lots of parties, a good income, a meaning to (or distraction from) your life before her. This is what it's like just if it's a recreational habit or mental addiction, a physical addiction is far more serious and they will have some understanding while your in withdrawl if they didn't before. You know what choice you should make, but you'd rather avoid having to make it. You'll lie to her, saying you haven't touched it in weeks while you're conciously trying not to breath in her direction. When she figures it out or decides to draw the line, that will be around time you realize what you've become: a dick. Giving up a physically addictive substance is a tolerance test of both lovers. Withdrawl from methadone makes a gentle touch feel like a criminally insane cat is scratching you, and just having to watch someone going through that kind of pain because of you is unbearable. Relationships without enough collective willpower, patience and of course, love, between the two will not succeed in either continuing or curing the disease in either a physical, mental or habitual problem. Just being in love alone without drugs is sometimes not enough, the same factors apply in keeping a relationship alive, as well as many others.

Loosing someone is a pain that nearly everyone can relate to. Anger, denial, depression, hopefully acceptance all come with the end of a relationship, but sometimes weirder emotions and actions can take over, especially to those emotionally fragile folks that I mentioned. Once lost, memories of how a high felt will barely ever be put out of mind for a long time. Same deal with love. You will always remember how she made you feel, you'll remeber the small, subtle things that you fell in love with her for and wonder why they became so insignificant. You think it was a mistake, noone else is out there for you, not like her, you'll die alone and without any tears from anyone. Or mabey it's her fault, you think you were good to her, she never loved you, she's a bitch and you hope she burns in hell. Even if that's the case, there's still the fact your thinking about her, and probably talking to yourself ;). Quitting a substance, whether it was once physically addicted to or otherwise, is a battle that will last a lifetime or until you're diagnosed with final stage alzheimers. There will always be the voice whispering in your ear "just a little bit, just once, you won't get addicted again, you're smarter about it now. Do it. Come on, do it..." Being in love with someone and taking your drug feel so alike eachother it's hard to see what the difference is. If you have to make this choice, you should try to remember that even though your substance feels better than waking up beside someone you love, it's really hard to have sex with a tablet and the tab' will never return your love. Drugs will leave you broke, hungry, you're head spinning and begging for more, like a woman that's just taking advantage of you. Think about what which girl you'd rather be with: one that loves ou or one that loves your wallet. To those who are just weekend recreational users of an easy, light drug like pot[5] with their significant others, I both envy and hate you... lucky bastards.

"So unstoppable, my love for you. So unstoppable, memories of you. Just remember, when everything seems typical I'll be the wish upon a star [...] goodbye." -Goodbye by Mudvyne

Some terms: [1] mdma : very popular psychoactive substance that gives a euphoric and empathogenic experience, aka extacy, 'x', xtc, e. sidenote: im not an etard btw :P [2] coke : cocain, of course. [3] hold 'em: card game played with modified poker rules, makes people loose money fast. [4] point: a measurement of coke, 1 point = .1 grams or a line, usually only bought in broke or stressful circumstances or while trying to quit. [5] pot: i'm not explaining that one...

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