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Jackie Thorne's Story - persecution of a transvestite (by his ex-
A Transvestite's Story
My name is Jackie Thorne. I am a TV and have been going out in public
for over twelve years. I have been dressing since I was 4 or 5 years old
when I would get into my Mother's clothes. There was no sexual connotation
regarding this activity. I just knew it felt so good and I enjoyed the
textures of the fabrics and the colors that I could not wear as a male.
Looking back on it now, I know my parents had to be aware of what I was
doing. But they were wise enough not to make an issue of it. I guess they
thought that if this was just a phase I was going through, I would grow out
of it. If it was not, their making an issue of it would not change me.
This was really remarkable as the phenomenon was not all that common then,
nor was it understood by those who knew of it.
As I got into high school and college, the urge did not leave me, but
actually became stronger. During this period I did not dress completely;
merely panties, padded bra, a slip and occasionally hose and shoes. Being
intelligent and curious about this craving that was obviously not
shared by my peers, I read everything I could get my hands on about it
and related subjects. The hot topic at the time was sex change operations.
Was I a candidate for gender reassignment? Was I homosexual?
After a great deal of study, reading between the lines and through the
personal negative prejudices of the mostly male authors, I was able to
determine that I was just a plain vanilla heterosexual male transvestite.
Not only that, but there were quite a few of us out there. Estimates
seemed to fall around 10 % of all men have the urge to some extent. But
because it was not the sort of thing that one advertised to others, most
men thought they were the only one with this somewhat strange desire.
Upon graduating from college, I got married. During the first few years,
I was able to suppress the desire by sheer will power and the substitution
of other activities for my crossdressing. But I was always conscious of it
lurking just below the surface like the unseen mass of a massive
psychological iceberg. It was not until the marriage began to come
unravelled (after fifteen years) that the urge began to reassert itself.
I was 6' 1" tall and weighed (at that time) about 150 pounds. When we
married my wife weighed 118 pounds and stood 5' 3" tall. While carrying
our two children, she gained about 40 pounds each time and did not lose
it after their births. So she weighed, at that point, about 185 pounds.
This meant she had to wear size 16 dresses and underwear of like
dimensions. Guess what size I wore? You're way ahead of me.
The opportunity to use her clothing in almost complete safety was
presented to me when she took a job that required her to be gone from
home for two weeks out of each month, traveling for business. By
indulging my desires I came to experience a feeling of contentment,
relaxation and satisfaction that was not sexual in nature. I believe
this was the emergence of the feminine side of my personality as I
allowed it freedom to express itself after all these many years.
The marriage continued to deteriorate. The crossdressing I was doing
had nothing to do with the worsening relationship. I chose not to
tell my wife for several reasons. First, because of her upbringing,
she would not have understood. Second, her personality was such,
with divorce a real possibility, she would have had no qualms about
using that information against me. This concern proved well founded,
for when she ultimately found out, about two years after we were
divorced, she couldn't wait to tell the children hoping they would
reject me.
The story of how my ex-wife found out about Jackie is interesting and
may be instructive for others. With another man, I was half owner of
a company providing professional services to businesses. My ex and I
continued to attend the same church that we had been members of for
over twelve years. Another member of the church had been divorced by
her husband and after about twenty years as a housewife, suddenly
found she had to get a job to support herself and her children, even
though she had no readily marketable skills.
One of the ministers at the church asked us if we would hire her as
a typist for our office, since our secretary/staff member had recently
quit. We did so and over a period of years trained her so that she was
able to make a decent living without relying on her exhusband who was
rather irresponsible relating to his obligations to their children.
Her hostility toward men was thinly veiled. One day when I was not in
the office, she went into my desk drawers (supposedly looking for
information for a client of mine who had called) and found some
pictures of me dressed and some correspondence in an obviously personal
file. Instead of putting the file back in the drawer when she saw it
was not what she was searching for, she examined the contents and
extracting some of the items gave them to my ex-wife. Had I been able
to prove it I probably would have brought charges against her for
theft and against my ex-wife for receiving stolen property.
In any event my ex-wife proceeded to tell both children about what I was
doing or at least what she thought I was doing. If the effect on the
children had not been what it was, it would have been funny, because she
had no idea of what she was dealing with.
My daughter, who is and was living with her mother, was told that I was
gay, I had AIDS, and God only knows what else. If you say something loud
enough and long enough, those who hear it will believe it is true,
whether it is or not.
My son took the news better than I thought he would. Much better than
my daughter did. My son's reaction, after several sessions of sitting
and discussing what I really was doing and why, was what I call neutrally
acceptive. He did not want to see it, but I was still his father and he
was still my son. This did not change our love for one another, although
it placed considerable strain on it at the time. He has come to realize
most of the things his mother has told him about me are uninformed bullshit.
However, my daughter, subjected to an almost constant barrage of
vilification of me, will have to wait until she is out from under her
mother's roof, out in the cold cruel truth of the real world before she
realizes that most of what her mother told her was spoken from a position
of hostility, ignorance and prejudice.
Personally, I believe the majority of my ex's wrath arises from the fact,
when she saw the pictures of me, she thought, consciously or
sub-consciously, "That Son of a Bitch looks better than I do." And I
did!! Her actions have effectively denied my daughter a normal
relationship with her father, or at least as normal as they can be in
a divorce. This is the real tragedy since this period of her life can
never be replaced.
In any event, I have come to grips with who and what I am. I am happy
with this second personality that dwells within me. As I have allowed
her free rein, Jackie has become a separate three dimensional person
with her own character traits. Granted, Jack influences Jackie's
personality. But no more or less than Jackie influences Jack. I believe
they are both better persons for it.
I would consider remarrying, if the right person came along. I like
people and am very extroverted and optimistic in my outlook on life. But
I also realize that Jackie is, and always will be, a major factor in my
life. Anyone who marries Jack is marrying Jackie also. Both of us are
quite self sufficient. This means that it would take a very tolerant
individual to put up with all the little quirks and idiosyncracies. So
far I haven't found that person. But that does not mean I will quit
looking.
Meanwhile I am enjoying life on my own. The freedom to do what I want,
when I want, where I want, with whom I want and how I want is almost
intoxicating. I don't advertise what I do, but I don't hide it either.
I don't flaunt my crossdressing, but I certainly do not apologize for it.
I own my own home (the mortgage company and I) in a town house complex
that allows me to come and go freely. Some of the neighbors have seen
Jackie at a distance, as well as driving Jack's car in and out. Since I
have several different wigs ranging from platinum blond to dark auburn,
I am sure some think I have a harem running in and out of here. I own a
substantial wardrobe which I have acquired over ten years which is
probably larger than some genetic women have. The outfits run the gamut
from bugle beaded and sequined gowns to Suzy Secretary everyday clothes
that I can wear to go shopping.
I recognize I am extremely fortunate to be able to be as open about
Jackie as I am. There are so many others who would like to be, but
for various reasons can not. Because of my good fortune, I feel an
obligation to help other TV's and educate the general public. This
is why I belong to the TV support group Gulf Coast Transgender
Community (GCTC) as well as the Imperial Court of the Single Star.
If I can help anyone or offer an opinion (I'm definitely good at
that) on a subject that may be puzzling you, please ask.
Jackie Thorne
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